\
  The most prestigious law school admissions discussion board in the world.
BackRefresh Options Favorite

The New Yorker: "Guy Walks Into a Bar" (link)

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-...
galvanic market becky
  07/27/14
begrudging 180
Mildly autistic mauve hell hominid
  07/27/14
...
galvanic market becky
  07/27/14
...
ruby boyish scourge upon the earth
  07/27/14
...
Disrespectful station
  07/29/14
I am charmed
Buff drunken doctorate
  07/27/14
180
twinkling racy house
  07/27/14
awesome
drab meetinghouse
  07/27/14
I don't know what to say about this.
orchid frisky death wish
  07/27/14
But what about the bathroom full of geese?
Light corner
  07/27/14
TITCQ
galvanic market becky
  07/27/14
I guess you could say that world peace is the peace each man...
Light corner
  07/27/14
Most 180 part was the explanation about the low alcohol tole...
Aphrodisiac high-end electric furnace
  07/27/14
...
galvanic market becky
  07/27/14
How did this get published in the New Yorker? 180 though.
marvelous travel guidebook
  07/27/14
pieces like this aren't uncommon for the New Yorker
galvanic market becky
  07/27/14
Interesting. I've always assumed it was more snooty.
marvelous travel guidebook
  07/27/14
some are but not all
galvanic market becky
  07/27/14
It's written by Frank Rich's son.
Light corner
  07/27/14
lol what the hell amusing tho
chartreuse volcanic crater water buffalo
  07/27/14
it's amusing, but is there something deeper i'm supposed to ...
internet-worthy community account brunch
  07/27/14
I remember reading this a few months back, why is it suddenl...
brindle property ladyboy
  07/27/14
because the OP is simon rich
internet-worthy community account brunch
  07/27/14
*pays $30 a month on a subscription for The New Yorker*
galvanic market becky
  07/27/14
Are you sure you're not thinking of New York Times? New York...
brindle property ladyboy
  07/27/14
Conan O'Brien tweeted it
submissive rambunctious office
  07/29/14
missing a detail: if he's gay, his average penis would've be...
curious french stage sex offender
  07/27/14
most likely he was straight but his pathetic pissworm couldn...
electric citrine gaming laptop
  07/29/14
180, as a fan of the original 12" Pianist joke.
erotic out-of-control rigpig selfie
  07/29/14
TOTALLY NORMAL
Razzmatazz arrogant prole resort
  07/29/14
Significance of the geese?
Cruel-hearted Knife
  07/29/14
To help establish that the genie is hard of hearing.
submissive rambunctious office
  07/30/14
Simon Rich also wrote this, another favorite of mine http...
submissive rambunctious office
  07/29/14
(Simon Rich)
galvanic market becky
  07/30/14
that was really sweet. :)
erotic out-of-control rigpig selfie
  07/30/14
...
Salmon cowardly fanboi base
  07/30/14
...
galvanic market becky
  08/08/14
...
dark temple masturbator
  10/15/14
tldr
Bateful gay set fat ankles
  10/15/14


Poast new message in this thread



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 12:36 AM
Author: galvanic market becky

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2013/11/18/guy-walks-into-a-bar?src=mp

So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”

So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.

So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”

And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”

So the bartender is understandably ashamed.

And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.

And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”

And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”

But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”

And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”

And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”

And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”

And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.

And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”

And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”

And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”

And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”

And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”

And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!

And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”

And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”

And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”

And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.

And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.

And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”

And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”

And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”

And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.

And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.

And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”

And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”

And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”

And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.

So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.

So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”

And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.

And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”

And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”

And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.

And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”

And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007779)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 12:46 AM
Author: Mildly autistic mauve hell hominid

begrudging 180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007837)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 12:51 AM
Author: galvanic market becky



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007865)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 3:15 PM
Author: ruby boyish scourge upon the earth



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26010158)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 29th, 2014 9:23 AM
Author: Disrespectful station



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26021162)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 12:51 AM
Author: Buff drunken doctorate

I am charmed

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007860)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 12:51 AM
Author: twinkling racy house

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007866)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 12:58 AM
Author: drab meetinghouse

awesome

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007906)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 1:05 AM
Author: orchid frisky death wish

I don't know what to say about this.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007936)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 1:09 AM
Author: Light corner

But what about the bathroom full of geese?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007961)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 1:09 AM
Author: galvanic market becky

TITCQ

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007966)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 1:14 AM
Author: Light corner

I guess you could say that world peace is the peace each man makes with the world and his fellow man, and the geese led the man to discover this.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007984)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 1:10 AM
Author: Aphrodisiac high-end electric furnace

Most 180 part was the explanation about the low alcohol tolerance of a twelve-inch man.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26007972)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 2:29 PM
Author: galvanic market becky



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26009890)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 2:41 PM
Author: marvelous travel guidebook

How did this get published in the New Yorker? 180 though.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26009975)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 2:44 PM
Author: galvanic market becky

pieces like this aren't uncommon for the New Yorker

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26009992)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 2:48 PM
Author: marvelous travel guidebook

Interesting. I've always assumed it was more snooty.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26010015)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 3:11 PM
Author: galvanic market becky

some are but not all

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26010135)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 3:08 PM
Author: Light corner

It's written by Frank Rich's son.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26010127)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 2:46 PM
Author: chartreuse volcanic crater water buffalo

lol what the hell

amusing tho

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26010008)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 2:52 PM
Author: internet-worthy community account brunch

it's amusing, but is there something deeper i'm supposed to be getting from this?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26010034)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 8:47 PM
Author: brindle property ladyboy

I remember reading this a few months back, why is it suddenly showing up now?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26011730)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 8:47 PM
Author: internet-worthy community account brunch

because the OP is simon rich

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26011737)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 8:48 PM
Author: galvanic market becky

*pays $30 a month on a subscription for The New Yorker*

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26011739)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 9:03 PM
Author: brindle property ladyboy

Are you sure you're not thinking of New York Times? New Yorker is like $20 for a year if you time it right.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26011826)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 29th, 2014 8:58 AM
Author: submissive rambunctious office

Conan O'Brien tweeted it

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26021123)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 27th, 2014 9:05 PM
Author: curious french stage sex offender

missing a detail: if he's gay, his average penis would've been roundly mocked on grindr already.

otherwise excellent

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26011836)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 29th, 2014 8:53 AM
Author: electric citrine gaming laptop

most likely he was straight but his pathetic pissworm couldn't hack it at big rod's. he found shelter at a homely clothmo gym, and you can figure out the rest.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26021119)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 29th, 2014 9:02 AM
Author: erotic out-of-control rigpig selfie

180, as a fan of the original 12" Pianist joke.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26021129)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 29th, 2014 10:13 AM
Author: Razzmatazz arrogant prole resort

TOTALLY NORMAL

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26021266)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 29th, 2014 10:13 AM
Author: Cruel-hearted Knife

Significance of the geese?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26021268)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 30th, 2014 11:33 AM
Author: submissive rambunctious office

To help establish that the genie is hard of hearing.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26028395)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 29th, 2014 12:52 PM
Author: submissive rambunctious office

Simon Rich also wrote this, another favorite of mine

http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2012/07/30/unprotected?currentPage=all

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26022087)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 30th, 2014 6:44 AM
Author: galvanic market becky

(Simon Rich)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26027508)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 30th, 2014 11:27 AM
Author: erotic out-of-control rigpig selfie

that was really sweet. :)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26028353)



Reply Favorite

Date: July 30th, 2014 11:28 AM
Author: Salmon cowardly fanboi base



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26028364)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 8th, 2014 7:22 AM
Author: galvanic market becky



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26086075)



Reply Favorite

Date: October 15th, 2014 10:22 PM
Author: dark temple masturbator



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26524699)



Reply Favorite

Date: October 15th, 2014 10:27 PM
Author: Bateful gay set fat ankles

tldr

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2628877&forum_id=2#26524726)