In light of what I thought your moniker was until recently, I rate you as Ginny and the Glory Hole, another Harry Potter fanfic:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11005122/1/Ginny-And-The-Gloryhole

It's a pretty odd story, to say the least:

"It was as Ginny thought this that she noticed a huge hole in the wall of the stall it went into the other stall next door and it had writing around it that read "For Some Good Big Fun Place Your Wand Under This Hole And Say Penis Penis Come On Thru Fill Me Full And Make Me Big". After reading the words and not one to pass up a nice big penis Ginny gave one last almighty groan causing the last brown log to splash into the potty before pulling her wand from a secret pocket of her black ruffled school skirt and placed it on a star shaped pentagram. Then in a clear voice Ginny spoke the magical words as she did the tip of her wand began to glow in a pale pink light and the hole in a light green light.

As Ginny sat on the toilet watching the glow get brighter and brighter she started to feel a tingling over her clit at first it was pleasure and kind of warm but then the feeling grow and she felt as if someone was pulling her clit out looking down between her legs Ginny noticed her clit glowing in a light pink aura and saw it stretching all on its own as it grow she watched it take on a penis like shape the tip slit open but didn't hurt it grow out until it was to heavy at around a foot and a half then it curved down toward the stall floor and kept grow it was as she looked back at her fat stretched pussy that she almost screamed as swelling under her new penis she saw a pair of testicles growing and they were already the size of a pair of blugers and were still swelling up each smooth round shiny and full to the brim with thick white seed. As Ginny was checking out her huge testicles she nearly jumped off the potty as the now quffle sized dickhead touched the cold stone floor of the castle and began to ooze thick white seed all over her slip-on brown mary janes."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35032081)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/4778437/1/These-Black-Eyes

Keep in mind, this was all written for a cartoon show aimed at 12-year-olds.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025113)

Celebrian is the name of Elrond's wife. In LOTR canon, Celebrian was captured and tortured by orcs, never psychologically recovered from the ordeal, and sailed off to the west about 500 years before the events of the books.

The story Celebrian offers a rather different take on these events. In this version, Celebrian is drugged and then seduced by an orc king, and turned into the gross sexual plaything of the orcish army. The disturbing thing is, she grows to ENJOY this. After being rescued by her sons, Celebrian can't readjust to elvish life and becomes estranged from her husband. In this story, her traveling west is just a cover-up: What she REALLY did is go back to the orcs to be their immortal SEX SLAVE.

The story ends as follows:

"Three centuries after she serviced her first orc king, a visiting orc watched her performance for a week. He found it hard to recognize the elf under the fat breasts, distended by endless titty-fucks, the skin covered in obscene tattoos, the heavy jewelry of cocks and pussies, and the generally thick layer of semen coating her at most times. Her teats were now each a foot long and a two inches wide when aroused, as they almost always were. Somewhere along the centuries by magic or use, they had grown to where they could become as hard as a male’s cock. Her labia, still delicate lavender, hunger several feet down her thighs after so much use. Her pussy itself could easily swallow an orc’s arm although she could clench it tight around a dog’s cock if she wanted to.

She was thoroughly depraved and thoroughly pleased with her life.

Before he left, he calculated that she had given something on the order of two million blowjobs, two million pussy-fucks, two million ass-fucks and two-million titty-fucks. With her well trained orcs, wargs and horses, that was something like 2 million pints of semen, as well.

The orc shook his head in admiration before leaving. Who knew how many she would service before she was done? She could last for millennia."

https://web.archive.org/web/20010423131650/http://www.greyarchive.com/Celebrian.htm

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025193)

https://youtu.be/6jamrudGfC4?t=19s

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35026014)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3464631/1/Sacred-Host

Animorphs was a children's chapter-book series in which alien slugs called the Yeerks invade planet Earth. The Yeerks are themselves powerless slugs, but are capable of entering victims' brains and controlling them. So, they're basically trying to conquer the Earth through an Invasion of the Body Snatchers theme.

In the books, the Yeerks are resisted by a small group of California high schoolers who can transform into animals after being granted that power by an alien. In Sacred Host, the Yeerks face an altogether more powerful force: CHRISTIANITY.

That's right, Sacred Host is a Catholic apologetics fanfic. The main character is a high-school girl, Teresa Sickles, a controlled individual who begins to proselytize both her Yeerk controllers and their subject species with the gospel. Eventually, the Yeerk empire is brought down not by a great act of hate, but by one of love, and many great saints are created throughout the galaxy.

At 77,000 words long, Sacred Host is almost exactly as long as the first Harry Potter book. It's not finished, though it has been receiving intermittent updates for a decade.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025265)

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/2354/equestria-total-war

My Little Pony, of course, is a saccharine slice-of-life show aimed at young girls, though the most recent iteration inexplicably became a favorite of grown men as well. They've proceeded to write tens of thousands of stories set in the universe. Some genuinely try to imitate the show's style and are kid-friendly. Many, unsurprisingly, are smutfics of one kind or another.

And then there's Equestria: Total War, which takes simple characters like Rarity the dressmaker and Applejack the farmer and feeds them into a HELLSCAPE OF WAR. Extensive time is spent not just on battle itself, but also discoursing on strategy, morality, and even logistics. Fan favorite Derpy Hooves distinguishes herself as a soldier in part because she isn't held back by ordinary moral qualms, and is willing to use SUICIDE BOMBERS to win a battle.

A very, very large number of ponies die. A random excerpt to give you an idea:

"Rainbow Dash was giving orders. Her 3rd Lancers shot back towards the front. And then, to Twilight's surprise, so did the 2nd, 5th, and 6th. They overshot the lines, then made a wide, lazy-looking loop, so they were flying directly at the Gryphonic flank, parallel to the line of battle. But they were going up, or maybe down. It was strange. They weren't just charging straight in. And the lions saw them, but they weren't bracing for the charge. Almost like they couldn't tell where the pegasi were.

The lancers crashed into the Gryphonic lines. And through them. And the three formations of lancers behind them followed. They sliced through the exhausted and flat-footed lions, like a sickle through wheat. They charged deep, deep into the enemy infantry. And then, as they lost their inertia, they pulled back, up out of reach. And they looped back. And they charged again."

At 154,000 words long, Equestria: Total War is just a smidgen shorter than The Lord of the Rings: The Two Tower.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025364)

http://tv.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=544171253

It really breaks down the psychology of bow ties.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025461)

https://web.archive.org/web/20120321164312/http://www.tuxedojack.com/godawful/aip.htm

Written way back in 1994, Agony in Pink was originally posted on the Usenet alt.sex.stories. The story is about Kimberley, the Pink Power Ranger, being tortured to death. That's it. She get's abducted, there are several thousand words describing her graphic rape and torture, and then she dies, and the villains get completely away with it.

To give you a small taste:

"Tortura went to Kimberly's right hand and began the slow process of removing the pinkie on that hand. The same hideous routine was used on this hand that was used on the left hand -- Kimberly's fingernail was pulled out, the skin removed, and the flesh hacked away until finally Kimberly's finger was snipped off and the open wound cauterized with a sizzling iron. As soon as Kimberly felt Tortura's strong hands grip her finger, she began to go crazy. "NO! NO! PLEEAAASE!! OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD AAAAHHH!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! AAAAHH!!! NO NO NO PLEASE GOD NO PLEASE KILL ME KILL ME NO NO AAAHHH!!! AAAHHH!!!" The Rangers were unable to turn away from the horrible sight of their friend being mutilated before them. As the torture was progressing, Zedd filled the image again. He motioned to Goldar to cover Kimberly's mouth, to muffle her screams of agony so that he could speak to the Rangers. 'How do you like that? Wouldn't you like to feel Tortura work his magic on your bodies? Trini, wouldn't you like to replace Kimberly on the table? And you boys -- look how Tortura treats the lovely Kimberly's fingers. Imagine what he's do to your penises and balls, eh? Ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Yes, he'd remove them very, very slowly! Can you imagine the agony as you are slowly castrated?'"

This story was so monumentally fucked up that it caused the Australian government to BAN the alt.sex.stories newsgroup.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025638)

http://nostrademons.livejournal.com/33411.html

Some dreadful excerpts:

"He held the drill up to Draco’s forehead, and then pressed until it bit into flesh. Draco let out a long scream, an agonizing wail of fear and despair and pain and hatred. Still, Lucius pressed on.

Slowly, deliberately, as if to prolong the agony, Lucius twisted the crank. Blood spurted out of the wound, like a monster longing to escape its confines. It splattered all over Lucius – good thing the robes and cloak he was wearing were thoroughly worn, and could be easily disposed of. The drill tore through skin, tore through flesh, tore through blood, and gouged out a piece of the skull.

“Father…” came Draco’s pleading whimpers. His breath was coming in ragged, short gasps – amazing how little resistance he had put up. He must truly be a wimp.

...

He grabbed Draco’s soiled underwear, and then smeared the still-wet feces over his member. On previous occasions when he had tried this, he often found it difficult to enter the brain proper without lubrication. While grey matter was itself wet enough, the surrounding tissue often wasn’t. He didn’t want any snags.

Trembling again with desire, he positioned himself at the opening to Draco’s skull, and gave a thrust. Fuck. The hole was too small. His shaft remained exposed to the empty air, unable to penetrate the hard shelter that held the prize."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025865)

180, thanks!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025871)

Said roommate almost attended law school several years ago, but I successfully disssuaded him and he is now an important figure at a news website that is regularly linked on this board.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35025936)

https://www.fanfiction.net/play/Screenplays/

Instead of featuring actual screenplays, it seems to have been colonized by literally tens of thousands of fanfics (and maybe original fiction!) written in INDONESIAN. The handful of English words and phrases only serve to enhance the mystery of what the hell is going on.

A sample story:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11754074/1/My-Idol-My-Boyfriend

Helpfully, one of the few things comprehensible in English is the set of content warnings: "Typo(s), yaoi, Ruined Plot, POV changing, cross-dressing, Alcohol, smut/seduce(gk?), Crack-Pair, etc.

Also it seems to be about a Korean boy band.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35026226)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5782108/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Methods-of-Rationality

HPMOR is possibly the most famous fanfiction ever written, and possibly the most-read, given the 33,000 reviews it has on Fanfiction.net. The fic is the work of legendary autist Eliezer Yudkowsky, the autodidact founder of LessWrong.

HPMOR's premise is that Petunia, Harry's maternal aunt, married a college professor instead of Vernon Dursley, so Harry was raised to use reason and the scientific method. The main character is obviously a self-insert of Eliezer himself, and for the most part other characters are dramatically changed as well.

The concept of the book is supposed to be Harry applying the scientific method in order to "break" magic, and it's gotten a lot of good reviews on that basis. But in fact a lot of substantially dumber stuff is going on. First, the fic is very long, at 660,000 words. Granted, that's only a quarter of These Black Eyes, but it's still almost as long as the first five Harry Potter novels combined.

All that bloat has to come from somewhere, and it mostly comes from Yudkowsky's weird digressions into things that are definitely not about applying the scientific method. For example, the plot is sidetracked for many chapters and thousands of words as Harry and the other Hogwarts students take part in an elaborate Ender's Game-style competition organized by Professor Quirrel. Later, there is this baffling arc about Hermione being framed for attempted murder so that she can be found guilty and placed in "blood debt" to the Malfoy family. There is a LOT of exposition dumping.

But don't take it from me. I was going to do a review of the fic a la Christian Nation, but 1. It's too damn long, and 2. There's already a guy who did a pretty entertaining takedown of it:

https://danluu.com/su3su2u1/hpmor/

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35026578)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/1300678

Sadly, you need to be registered to read it, but here are some choice quotes:

"She gritted her teeth as the horse was slowly led inside her. It was so painful she thought she must be tearing. It burned so much and it took all her willpower not to cry out in pain. Dany tried to relax, her eyes still closed. Blood of the dragon, blood of the dragon, she kept thinking, and it helped. She was Daenerys Stormborn, of the house Targaryen, the blood of the old Valyria. She was blood of the dragon, and this was just a horse."

...

"'Fire and blood! Fire and blood! Fire and blood!" Yes! she thought, it is not the horse that fucks the dragon. It is the dragon that fucks the horse! "Fire and bloooooood!!!!!" Her screams rose above the murmur of the Dothraki as she came and she felt triumphant sliding away from the huge cock and into the loving arms of her sun and stars."

Dany cums so hard that she kills the horse, btw.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35026950)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/2544224/1/CSI-Death-by-Chocolate

The story opens with Charlie Bucket being violently murdered, and it's up to the cast of CSI to crack the case:

"Charles M. Bucket, according to his cleaned-up passport," Dr. Robbins pronounced over the supine corpse in the morgue. 'Country of origin, England. Age 22, good health – aside from being dead – and quite possibly the healthiest set of teeth I've ever seen. Not a single cavity, let alone any other sort of dental work. Not even caps." He pushed back Bucket's upper lip to show Grissom. Indeed, they were perfectly shaped and pearly white, the sort of teeth that toothpaste companies would kill to have smiling on one of their ads.

"What about the substance covering him when we found him?" Grissom asked.

"Here's where it started to get a bit strange," Robbins replied, "Sugar, cocoa, milk, all slightly turned. Rancid chocolate."

"Chocolate?" Grissom's brow furrowed.

Robbins nodded. "And I found more of it in his throat and lungs. Which makes the C.O.D…"

"Death by chocolate." Grissom arched an eyebrow at this.

"I'm putting out down as asphyxiation due to drowning, but yes. This man drowned – or was drowned – in liquefied chocolate."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35027184)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10021449/1/Eternally-Never-Yours

The story opens with a very long love letter from Bowser to Mario:

"Mario,

Let's get this cleared up:

You're a moron.

I don't get how you've been missing it for so long. I'm not going to make it easy and spell it out for you. It's not your style and that's not how I want it. But I'm losing my patience, which has never been that high to begin with.

It's been years of the same routine, over and over again. I kidnap the princess; you jump around tons of worlds that I've taken control of, and storm your way to my castle. Have you ever stopped and wondered why I keep at it? You must have.

Everyone else wonders. She does. Her people do. My people. I'm pretty sure your brother does too. So you must have questioned my routine. What I question is how you couldn't figure it out from that.

How could you not see that I'm doing this…all of it…for you?

...

"I delude myself with how much I want from this. My thoughts drift, wondering if a monarchy has ever had to kings united through their matrimony and if we'd be the first. We haven't even begun to explore a relationship, let alone entertain such thoughts. (Still, I can't seem to help myself.) Could we engage in romance with one another? Would we be so compatible? I don't know. I like to think so, but I realize that we need to actually get there first.

It goes nowhere though. I hesitate, afraid of consequences. Fear seeps through me as I wonder what the world around us, the people, will think. Is it so unnatural? On how many levels? What lines would we cross by becoming lovers? Would we be rejected and horrify the masses? Or would we be embraced, finding the best solution to peace that could be arranged? Would your brother accept a monster in law, literally instead of figuratively? Could my son understand my love for you and accept you as a second father?

There are no answers. Only fantasies."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35027423)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9444923/1/Mrs-Frizzle-Gets-Crunk

(yes her name is Ms. Frizzle on the show, but Mrs. Frizzle here)

In this fic, Frizzle and the class get crunk. Fuck it, we're posting the whole thing:

Arnold was thirty minutes late to school. And for good reason; the bus he took which generally got him there was in an awful accident. The bus driver was launched out of his seat after hitting a group of babies in the middle of the road, and all the students except Arnold who was busy being pissed off in the corner with a trash can over his head fell victim to the toxic gases released from the babies upon impact. He had hastily rolled out of the back, hoping to get hit by a car. He didn't get hit by a car, and thus had to walk the treacherous three yards to the school door. He took the trash can off.

When he got inside, he was immediately taken aback by the pungent smell of fresh doobie. Mrs. Frizzle was blazin' it in her room. All the other students were screaming in agony, as she had forgotten to let them out of the school building for the past three days, locking them in without food or water the entire time. It was a good thing Arnold was dismissed early last Friday.

He opened the door, and the entire class weakly fell onto the ground and began to crawl to the nearest water fountain, groaning like a bunch of very irritated zombies. Arnold sighed and stared at the asses of the meek children sprawled across the floor. He rolled his eyes and walked into the room, the marijuana odor emanating from the northwest corner of it. Mrs. Frizzle was staring blankly at the ceiling.

"Sorry I'm so late to class, Mrs. Frizzle. The bus got in an accident."

Mrs. Frizzle did not reply. Arnold looked down to the bottom of the Friz's dress, and saw a very familiar tail poking out of it, swishing back and forth.

"Oh, that's just gross."

After about fifty more minutes of the curly-haired reject and his teacher having a bit of a staring contest, the students piled back in the classroom, looking healthier than ever. They had roasted the lunch ladies in the oven in the middle of the science wing. Nobody even noticed. They filed back into their regular seats and attentively looked at their mentor, silent.

"Arnold, if you don't get back to your seat in three seconds, I am going to literally tear your eyes out of their sockets."

Arnold, completely forgetting the sound of his teacher's voice over the past several days, turned around to find the source of the horrendously scratchy noise that vaguely resembled human speech. It was a full twenty three seconds before he realized that it was probably Frizzle, and he ran to his seat. He was able to do this in more than three seconds because Frizzle was too buzzed to even move correctly. The tearing out of his eyes ended up just being her slowly moving her hand to the left.

She grabbed her whiskey bottle and dangled it haphazardly from her fingertips.

"Now listen here, you little shits. Today, we're gonna learn how to get crunk."

There was a confused murmur amongst the crowd, probably because none of them had ever heard of the word crunk before, except D. A.

"What the fuck's a crunk?" Ralphie asked.

D. A., in her bitchy know-it-all fashion, turned around to face him and slammed her leg on his desk, getting mud all over the poor child's face before wailing the definition at him.

Everybody unanimously understood with a reassuring "huh".

Mrs. Frizzle took a long swig of her booze. "Good job, Dee-Ay. Now get your foot off of my fucking desk before I break this bottle over your head. I have to pay for those, you know."

D. A. took her foot off of the now slimy desk, whimpering and returning to her rightful seat.

"Okay. I bought us eight tickets to the Lil Wayne concert next to the school. Since there's only eight, and Liz counts as a person, that leaves six of you to come with me, and two of you to stay. Arnold, you can keep your ass glued to the chair because I'm sure as hell not going to take your unenthusiastic attitude to Weezy's perfect stage. Wanda, you're too Asian to understand anything he's going to say. Sound good?"

The class was undecided.

"If you all come, I'll kill Arnold when we get back."

The bus was filled within seconds.

"See you bitches later." Frizzle smashed the bottle on the front of the car, pieces flying everywhere. The bus ran over a good amount of pieces, and the two front tires completely popped. Mrs. Frizzle, in her drunken stupor, just kept on driving the bus, her foot pushed fully down on the gas pedal and her other foot nonchalantly controlling the steering wheel. As the concert was literally only one block away, the class was there in only two hours, and they filed out the bus silently.

Back at the school, Wanda and Arnold were watching the clock go by, counting the minutes until Arnold's final demise. Arnold was an emotional wreck, and was sobbing uncontrollably while Wanda was pooping in the bathroom.

Wanda eventually walked out after hearing the crying, bringing with her a semi-soiled toilet paper roll to help sop up his tears. Her pants weren't on, but Arnold wasn't wearing any glasses so she figured he wouldn't notice.

She sat down across from him. "Arnold, I know life can get you down sometimes, but this is one of those times where you need to man the fuck up and move on with your life. I mean, how many times have you thought you were going to hate a field trip and ended up learning something?"

Arnold blew his nose into Wanda's hair, mistaking it for a tissue. "I know, Wanda. It's just that being around Mrs. Frizzle intimidates me. I want a woman like her, and she's forty-three and married. Not that her husband is alive or anything, but you catch my drift."

Wanda grabbed a pair of scissors from the other side of the room near the sink and started cutting the mucus-infused hair off of her head. "You know, I bet if you just talked to Mrs. Frizzle, she'd reconsider. She's drunk as shit anyway, so I doubt she would be too hard on you." She cringed as she accidentally punctured her ear with the scissors. Blood flowed onto the floor.

"You're right, Wanda. I just need to drown my sorrows first. Thanks for the chocolate, by the way!" Arnold lunged for the soiled toilet paper, taking quite the bite out of it. He choked, but thought of his family life to help trigger his gag reflex.

At the concert, Mrs. Frizzle handed out the tickets. "You lose these and you're not getting back on this bus. Are we clear?" She kicked the bus to prove her point. The bus did nothing, because it was a bus. "Fuck this. You're all boring. I'm gonna go get me some crack. Phoebe, come on. I need your lunch money." Phoebe was dragged along by the torso.

"At my old school, we never learned how to get crunk!"

"Phoebe, if you say that goddamn punchline one more time, I'm going to turn your ass into gelatin. I've got the vaccine right here."

Phoebe quit complaining.

Meanwhile, Tim was having trouble finding a seat in the packed stadium. Where there looked like an empty seat, there always ended up being a shattered beer bottle, disposed-of babies, or worse: porn. He decided to plop his big black butt on the stairs to the food vendors. Sometimes they dropped a french fry or two, so he could scrounge for food without looking like a deranged homeless woman.

About thirty minutes into the concert, people started getting restless. Their precious Weezy was nowhere to be found, and all the clean water had been gulped down already. For Phoebe, however, this was not a problem. Phoebe had spent her twenty dollars not on lunch, not on crack, but for some cracked, moldy cookies that were dripping with liquid. At this point, she was so famished that when she saw the liquid dripping off of the cookies, she just forked over the twenty right then and there. It was only twenty more minutes before she realized just what that liquid was. She was tripping balls by the time Mrs. Frizzle bursted out of the porta-potty with an old mexican man, lower parts of her dress torn and covered in fecal matter. Phoebe saw three Mrs. Frizzles with guns and colored like the American flag, and ran off sideways because the world was spinning. She didn't get far before flipping over face-first into the crowd.

Ralphie, Liz, D. A. and Carlos found themselves near the front of the stadium. The speakers were broken, loose wires dangling from the ceiling, and a high-pitched squeal was the only thing they could hear other than their own voices. Liz sat on Ralph's fat lap, settling herself in his meaty mounds. Ralphie didn't know much better than to pet her. As he did so, he felt a strange attraction arise. Literally. Liz arose from Ralph's lap, and turned around, gazing into Ralphie's dark brown peepers. She gave the green-shirted moron a lick on the cheek, and smiled. He blushed as his face got closer to the reptile, and the ringing from the speakers softened as the two finally commenced their perfect kiss.

Carlos watched the two go at it, before looking directly at D. A.

"I guess you could say that this predicament is pretty..."

"Don't do this."

"Ralph-worthy!" Carlos chortled hysterically before acting upon his words, proceeding to vomit directly onto Dorothy's face, covering her purple sweatshirt with his yellow stomach acid, burning her face to the bone in some areas.

The entire stadium, peeved at his antics, shouted Carlos' name, besides D. A., who was busy literally screaming her face off, flesh dripping from her cheeks like a stick of butter in a microwave. Carlos's necrophilia kink kicked in, and he averted his eyes to keep from blushing. To keep his mind off of the hot mess in front of him, he did what he always did whenever he felt hot and heavy.

"I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay." He rocked himself back and forth in the fetal position.

D. A. paused her screaming to make sure she was hearing more clearly. "You're gay? Dude, that's like, my favorite sexual orientation! Let's make out!"

Carlos sniffled up his tears. He could finally do this. He'd been practicing making out with the corpse of his dead dog for eons just for this very reason. His teeth still had rotten meat in them.

The hispanic child stuck out his tongue for the barely-breathing blonde bitch to bite on. She ripped it off, but she was hungry anyway, so it really didn't matter in the long run. The two perverts lay in silence, tongues in each others mouths for a good three consecutive hours.

Meanwhile, Ralphie and Liz were getting serious, doing despicable things to each other. All that the underage obese child could feel was a barrage of pleasure, pain, and scales. But mostly the last two. Having never experienced any sort of physical affection in his entire existence, including his birth where his mother screamed louder after giving birth than during, he passed it off as merely just the social norm for kinky interaction. He could have done without the claws in his nipples, though. He was pretty sure milk wasn't supposed to be red. Pretty sure.

Four hours passed, and there was still no sign of Lil Wayne. Ninety percent of the audience had already filed out of the stadium, and the majority of the rest of them were too crunk to move. The atmosphere really needed some livening up.

All of a sudden, the lights flashed off, and a small stage in the center of the stadium rose, a purple spotlight shimmering down on it. A single person stood atop the platform, not moving, not breathing. A single twitch of the buttcheek later, and the lights all flipped on, revealing an African-American girl twerking it like none of them had ever seen. She had obvious buttock implants, as her booty rammed the top of the stadium and the bottom of the stadium with each shake. The crowd cheered with the enthusiasm of a thousand parents relieved that they don't have to take their kids to Disney World. One particular lady, though, was a bit skeptical of all the excitement.

"Holy shit, that's Keesha!" Tim hollered.

Indeed, the Nicki Minaj lookalike, was, in fact, Keesha. Upon hearing her name, the kinky stripper brought her dancing to a halt. She slid the twenty feet down the pole, and hung her head in shame. All she had ever wanted to do was get away from the madness that was Mrs. Frizzle, and even then, she could not escape.

The half-conscious lady stumbled down the stairs, hurling herself into the stadium. She spilled her 128-ounce jug of what probably wasn't fruit punch on herself, banged her foot off of Phoebe, who was now muttering something about astrophysics and the theological factors of entomology, and tore her dress off in the ring, feet away from Keesha.

Keesha sighed and let her hair down. "Damnit, Mrs. Frizzle. I tried to run away from you because your class always bored me. I thought if I learned to get crunk, maybe I would finally be happy."

Mrs. Frizzle smiled sadly, petting the side of the black girl's face. She was proud of her little prodigy, and she took a minute before deciding how to respond to the flattering jewel of passion smiling innocently in front of her.

"Bitch, if you don't get in the fucking bus by the count of three, I'm gonna jam my fist so far up your ass you're gonna start shitting food you haven't even eaten yet."

Keesha groaned. "See, this is why..."

But she never finished her sentence because Liz smacked her to the ground and tied her mouth shut with medical tape. Ralphie handcuffed her hands behind her back using Liz's trusty emergency S&M gear kit, and Carlos rubbed D. A.'s face on her legs, rendering her unable to use her now rotting feet. Keesha rolled her eyes as they dumped her in the back of the bus like they did with Arnold's adult diapers.

"I was gonna see Weezy!" Ralphie grumbled as he took his seat next to Liz, who had jammed her claws into his torn jeans.

The entire bus ride back was a conglomeration of angry moans, erotic farts and Mrs. Frizzle slamming the bus back and forth to try to knock Keesha out, with no avail.

Back at the school, Wanda and Arnold were finishing the touches on his speech to Mrs. Frizzle when she got back. Arnold was determined to win his spot back in his much-beloved classroom.

"Now, say what we worked on, Arnold." Wanda gave him a reassuring thumbs-up.

"Mrs. Frizzle, I know I've been an asshat to you recently about my opinions on your field trips, but I really don't mean it. It's just flirting and shyness, because in truth, I really wanna rub my hands up your shirt and motorboat those fine tits of yours. It's hard for me to be nice to people when I always have this raging boner that nobody will let me whip out. I just want to love you, and I hope you'll reconsider mauling me."

Wanda gave him a smile. "That should win her over." Arnold smiled too. In fact, he puckered his lips together, leaned in, and...

"Hey, look! It's the bus!" Wanda snapped her head around, breaking Arnold's nose with a fine crack. She wasn't sorry. She grabbed Arnold's penis and pulled him out into the front of the school, waiting for his teacher to arrive, gun in hand.

The bus slowly grinded to a halt in front of the school. Mrs. Frizzle was tired, and she just needed to get up and go to sleep. She stood up, and accidentally slammed full speed on the gas pedal, launching the kids into the back of the bus with Keesha.

"At my old school, we never..." Phoebe was cut off by the screaming of the class, including Mrs. Frizzle who smashed her head into the horn out of sheer annoyance. The class suddenly went silent, as they realized just what they had done. They all leaned their heads out of the shattered windows to take a peek at what they hoped was going to be just a coincidence.

Arnold was dead.

The entirety of the school burst out of the building wielding pinatas, firecrackers, and complimentary champagne. The battle was finally over. Everybody was crunk.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35027623)

https://www.fimfiction.net/story/119190/fallout-equestria

As you can probably guess, this is a crossover between My Little Pony, a cute cartoon aimed at little girls, and Fallout, a post-apocalyptic grimdark video game series aimed at teen boys. The bucolic land of Equestria has become a ravaged hellscape, with mutated monsters ravaging the landscape. The story includes nuclear holocaust, torture, cannibalism, and copious amounts of gore. Apparently all the pony characters from the show stay in character, though!

The fanfic is 620,000 words long, making is longer than Atlas Shrugged by a solid margin. Despite the vast length, it was written in less than a year. You might think it was the work of an unhinged male brony, but whittier tells me the author is actually some 20-something prole white woman from Idaho.

Besides being long, Fallout: Equestria is also unbelievably popular. How popular? Well, it has its own wiki, distinct from the show:

http://falloutequestria.wikia.com/wiki/Fallout:_Equestria

You can buy custom-made physical copies of the book, or listen to an ebook version recorded by fans:

https://i.imgur.com/jOiGWCf.jpg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PLqkyti4niqGzGvFBqzKGrVB9n9Zy41_iP&v=zo0V3Q1KAKs

There's even a radio play:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfdS190xBYc

Naturally, the fic has spawned mountains of fanart, and there are even dozens of fanfics FOR THE FANFIC:

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/35/fallout-equestria-related-fics

And some of THOSE fanfics are so popular that THEY got custom-made print copies.

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/bJ_uuONqrLI/maxresdefault.jpg

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35029634)

John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them, now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway.

John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships, daddy."

Dad said "NO! YOU WILL BE KILL BY DEMONS!"

There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.

"This is Joson," the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!"

So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.

"HE GOING TO KILL US," said the demons!

"I will shoot at him," said the Cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill.

"No! I must kill the demons," he shouted!

The radio said "No, John. You are the demons."

And then, John was a Zombie.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35031636)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0R0ZZF4O0K4

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35041464)

http://celeb.adult-fanfiction.org/story.php?no=600091492

The story begins as a Luke/Leia/Chewbacca three-way that incorporates scat fetishism. Then, Han walks in and is so traumatized he kills himself. Dash Rendar from the Shadows of the Empire shows up and bites Luke's dick off while blowing him, and then murders both Luke and Leia. At the end, only Chewie is alive, and the story ends with this happening:

"Solo was much more of a prized possession now than a naked blue chick. His body was thrown in the center of the room and once again Jabba demand his army of bounty hunters take their respective cocks out and start stroking. One-after-another the men would ejaculate onto Solo’s faceless body, mixing with the poop on his leg. Jabba, though, was having a blissful time, both jerking off, laughing and talking of memories past with his friends as they did both.

Jabba made sure to carry Han’s body to his private corridors, where that evening he laid the corpse flat onto the floor. BLOP! it went. Jabba made sure the door was locked tightly, for he wanted no one to see him mount Han’s dead body. He prepared his monstrous dick for insertion into Captain Solo’s butthole, climbed atop the body and shattered all it’s bones. The slobbering beast fucked Han’s asshole until he wore himself out and fell asleep on top of the body. This continued nightly for three years."

Hey, it's still probably better than The Last Jedi.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35031696)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12241802/1/Twilight-s-bloom-Not-mine

At 332,000 words, Twilight's Bloom is longer than any novel in either series. It is notable for its unusual pairings and for how those pairings, uh, develop.

That's right, Twilight's Bloom is an infamous male pregnancy fic. Male pregnancy, or mpreg, is exactly what it sounds like: an entire subgenre where at least one member of a yaoi couple gets pregnant and has a baby out their ass. In Twilight's Bloom, Harry is knocked up by Edward, while Draco gets pregnant by the werewolf Jacob (in this universe, male pregnancy is a special wizarding power).

To give you an idea:

“No,” Draco snapped. “No you don’t! My father can barely stand to look at me, Jacob’s on the other side of the country and I don’t even know what I feel for this- this baby growing inside of me!”

“I thought you told your dad you didn’t want to terminate.”

“Usually…I don’t,” Draco admitted. “But sometimes I just want it to all go away.” His lips pursed in self-disgust and anger. “And then two seconds later, I feel horrible. I feel horrible that I don’t want this kid whole-heartedly and without hesitation. And just seeing Jacob…just having him think it’s so easy…I…” Draco shook his head, almost curling into himself as his arms wrapped around his middle.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35031923)

http://grrm.livejournal.com/147038.html

Martin wrote the story on a lark in response to some "who would win in a fight" online popularity poll that pitted Rand Al'Thor against Jaime Lannister.

Notably, it's almost certainly the best thing he's written since A Storm of Swords was published 17(!) years ago.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35031981)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6896609/1/Dance-Dance-Revolution-SuperNOVA-2

Okay, the "Zelda" part of the crossover is pretty weak; the main thing is that, despite taking place in New York, the two main characters are accompanied by Tatl, Link's fairy from Majora's Mask. Also, at one point in the story the main characters simply get on Skype and talk to Link, who informs them that Zelda is pregnant...and yeah, that's it. That's his only role in the story, though the author does make sure to note that Link does not have Skype (or even electricity) in Hyrule, and is using magic to access their computer. Whatever.

Of course, setting the weird crossover aside, how exactly do you make a fanfic out of DDR? It's a dancing game, and most games have no plot! Well, apparently in this universe, dancers can generate "danceblades" and use them to fight crime.

The plot moves pretty briskly:

"The streets began to echo gun shots, police sirens, and screaming people. Two men were driving a red Camaro, dressed in black. The back seat had a little child screaming and crying for help. It was a kidnapping scene.

"Come on. We gotta save that boy!" I stated.

"All right!" Rage cheered. "Dancing SuperNOVAs Time!"

We called out our dance blades and used our element chains to catch up to the kidnappers. After swinging from building to building, we jumped onto the Camaro. The vehicle was rocking from side to side to shake us off. Rage used his dance blade to cut a hole on the roof to see if we could make the kidnappers pull over. As the vehicle kept rocking, it was harder for Rage to cut an opening.

"It's not working!" Rage yelled. "What now?"

One of the kidnappers were shooting at us, creating small holes on the roof. My eyes widened with an idea.

"Tatl, can you fit into one of these holes?"

She examined them. "I see one I can fit in."

"Get in there, and make them pull over. But, be careful! There's a boy inside!"

"Got it!"

She flew inside the Camaro. I heard screams from the two men. The vehicle began to lose control. At any moment, it would crash into something. I used my dance blade to break the back window.

The boy screamed. "Please, help me!"

I held out my hand. "Come on!"

He grabbed my hand and I pulled him out of the Camaro. I held the kid in my arms as Rage and I jumped off the car. Tatl flew out the window before the car crashed into a fire hydrant. The two men were still armed with guns as they got out. When they shot at us, I used my dance blade to deflect the bullets.

"Impossible!" the man shouted. "How can a girl like you block our attacks?"

Rage's hand glowed orange. "Drop those guns! Now!" He was going to use Impulse on them.

The kidnappers dropped their weapons and cowered behind the wrecked Camaro. The police officers arrested the two men and had no problem getting them inside the cars. Even if they refused to, they knew that Rage would threaten them physically.

I kneeled down to the boy's level. "Are you okay, honey?"

He hugged me around the shoulders. "Yeah. Thank you, Dancing SuperNOVAs."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35035137)

http://web.archive.org/web/20050314163928/reallybadfanfiction.com/Fanfics2/Executive.txt

In this story (written back in 1998!), a scheming Hillary becomes president after Bill Clinton fortuitously keels over. Bizarrely, the author describes her as a highly desirable sex object and much of the story revolves around her NSFW escapades:

"Some of them had known her for years, yet somehow she had gained a lustre of power that had not been there before, that shone from her skin like dangerous radioactive light. And dangerous she was. Her skirt was a little too short, revealing soft, pale swaths of feminine thigh; her white silk blouse was a little too tight, drawing attention to the generous swelling of her breasts; the heels on her black pumps were a little too high, adding definition to the graceful curves of her calves and displaying her slim ankles. Her advisors had warned her that she was too daring, to colourful, that she risked alienating the conservative voters; but she had known better. The cameras loved her, loved to linger on her beautiful body. Everything about her screamed power, both temporal and sexual. She knew that every man -- and not a few women -- in the nation mentally subtracted her clothes, knew she visited them in their fantasies every night clad in leather or PVC or black lace or nothing at all. Just thinking about it was enough to send pleasant tingles through her groin. The air was icy against her womanhood as it grew damp, bare as it nearly always was, as it had been during the whole campaign -- a risk which would have horrified her advisors had they known."

It gets weirder, though: In this story, aliens are real and Hillary has access to some of their technology. She uses it to abduct a random passenger bus. She shrinks them down to a tiny size, and begins torturing them to death, frequently in sexual ways. For example, one she kills by eating with her vagina:

"Hillary lowered the woman between her legs and began rubbing her gently against her parted cunt lips, her breath catching as the guide continued to kick and slap, but now at the wet folds that slid against her flesh.

"Help me!" screamed the little woman, her eyes wide and bulging as she stared into the cavernous black depths before her, the air redolent with the humid musk of sex.

"Help you?" said Hillary, smiling. "Of course I will. Here you go." Pushing gently but relentlessly with her thumb, she drove the guide inside her until only the wildly flailing feet could be seen poking from the quivering folds. Hillary narrowed her eyes and flexed her vaginal muscles, her teeth gritting together. The guide's legs popped out nearly to the thighs and then, with a wet slurping noise audible to those staring aghast on the desk, her whole body was sucked inside.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35046770)

https://web.archive.org/web/20120428155936/https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7131369/1/Rape_and_why_he_did_it_UPDATED

In this story, Arthur's dad rapes both Arthur and his sister DW, and despite the title it's never explained why he did it.

"After fucking her for five minutes, he came, but not only cum came out, but blood and poop came out as well."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35046871)

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). [[I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

“What’s up Draco?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35027203)

http://rbf.livejournal.com/4228.html#cutid1

This short fic is about Scrooge McDuck being a cocaine addict with transsexual longings.

"Scrooge hated Donald Duck and never wanted to take care of his snot nosed kids; Hewy Duwey and Louie. Donald went off to Guadalajara to get the sex change operation. Scrooge told him not to do it and hated the fact that he did do it. But secretly, Scrooge was jealous, because he secretly wanted the operation for himself.

Scrooge loved women’s clothes and the fact that once a month, women go through their special cycle that keeps them close to the ebb and flow of the ocean and moons. That mysterious ritual that connects the women of the earth connected with the woman of the earth, Gaia. Secretly Scrooge wanted to share in the sacrificial ceremony of giving blood to Gaia through bleeding of the kooch, but alas, he couldn’t. But his way of bleeding, was bleeding of the nose. That’s why he did the cocaine, so he could bleed like the women of this earth and of all earths."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35046918)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/5782775/1/Studio-33

Really, "crossover" is a weak term. This is clearly just smut shoehorned into The Price is Right, and the characters are named Bella and Edward for some reason (maybe the author likes the books, idk). In this story, Edward is the host of TPIR, having replaced Bob Barker, and Bella is one of the show models.

They play sexy Plinko with each other:

He handed them to me and beckoned me up the steps. Once I reached the top of the pegboard, I looked down at him. I couldn't help but feel a little nervous about what was on those chips. I knew he was capable of some devilish things in bed, but just what was I subjecting myself to? Ah, who was I kidding? Whatever he had on there, I'd love. With that thought, I placed the first chip down on the board.

I watched as it zigzagged its way down, ever so slowly, until landing in the middle $10,000 slot. Not too bad, I thought to myself.

He promptly picked up the chip and read the piece of paper that was securely taped to it. "The winner of this chip gets to choose the sexual position of her choice."

I smiled, liking that I was going to get to call the shots during our next rendezvous. It was a rare treat as Edward could be rather dominant in the bedroom.

The next chip moved down the board with speed and narrowly missed the $0 slot. I loudly blew out a breath.

"Close, Bella," he warned before gathering the chip and reading it to me. "The lucky winner of this chip shall enjoy the talents of a cunning linguist."

"And a talent he is," I called out from up above. I may have had to share the stunning vision that was Edward Cullen with America each work day, but no one else got to enjoy the magic of his tongue.

Eagerly, I dropped the final chip and watched it go. My smile turned to a pout when it landed on the zero.

Edward shook his head and made an over-the-top sigh. "I'm afraid this was the best one of them all, Bella." He pulled the chip closer to his face and pretended to struggle at reading his own handwriting. "If this chip lands on a winning slot, the lucky victim...errr lady...shall be stripped naked and rope tied onto the Big Wheel and spun round and round."

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#35051324)

Naturally, my first thought was "Hm, this seems like an underexplored niche for fanfiction."

But I was an idiot. Naturally, this brand of fanfic already exists:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11640699/1/To-Love-and-Be-Loved

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3842335&forum_id=2#39175279)