Date: February 1st, 2018 5:53 PM
Author: Abusive Thirsty Locus
The biggest problem with flying is that the public is generally unaware of the Cumulative Defiance Theory of flight dynamics. I pause here to note that I call it a "theory" out of respect for the traditional nomenclature of our field but, at this point, it is in fact much more a law than a mere theory--this is a known, observable, and reproducible phenomenon which explains real-world events now cropping up in divers pockets of the globe. Flight is and always has been a time-limited grand bargain. The dark gods who rule the invisible world undergirding our waking existence never wanted us to leap into their airy realm and have regarded our efforts to defy that edict with an angry eye. I say with some pride that we have pushed the boundaries of the permissible through the tooled power of human innovation, but we are in a race we ultimately cannot win. The day of reckoning is coming my friends. I tell you, we already trade stories from far corners of the world which forebode this approaching cataclysm--reliable engines shutting off midflight with no perceivable explanation; large commercial aircraft swatted thousands of feet off altitude in mere seconds; mysterious electrical discharges crisscrossing instrument panels to generate ratioed signals which translate into deadly warnings in the ancient tongue. The rage of the gods is real and our time of penance is nearly at hand. Anyway, thank you for flying Southwest this morning. Our estimated time to Boston is 2 hours and 15 minutes, and I'm going to do my best to shave a few minutes off that to get us to the gate before 11:00. The temperature in Boston is a balmy 35 degrees, so I hope you all brought your winter coats. Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.