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What is the hypothetical scenario where divorce doesn’t fuck up the kids?
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 11:31 AM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm It requires:
1) SPS dysfunctional communication and interpersonal dynamic between both parents,
2) nonetheless, both sides can put aside their pride enough to be collaborative and flexible with each other as co-parents post-divorce, and
3) both find long-term partners with whom they don’t have SPS interactions and that make both of them happier/more self-confident/more emotionally secure.
Anything else? Even then aren’t the kids still fucked up bc they think that their existence was the result of some mistakes their parents made while they figured out how to do life (guessing this is 1000000x if either parent has more kids with second spouse, so maybe I add 4) no more kids?).
Been thinking about this a lot watching friends and people at our kids’ schools going through divorce. |
Date: April 23rd, 2019 11:32 AM Author: razzle flatulent set main people wife gains weight and state alimony/child support laws are favorable to man. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38129313) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 1:38 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm Wife gets fat is not credited. This is the central problem—neither wife nor husband can “win” the divorce too dramatically or it fucks the kids up bc they still have to love/respect/pull for the loser. I file husband favoring child support/alimony under being collaborative post-divorce/as co-parents but practically speaking you’re right that this is a huge factor.
I think the other key strategy is to blame how the kids’ grandparents fucked up husband and wife as the root cause of why the marriage failed. Obvs this is much easier if the grandparents are dead. But in my case (and likely in many others) it has the benefit of being 1) largely true, and 2) helpful context for the kids to consider when they decide whether/who to marry, etc. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 1:39 PM Author: Startling Black Woman 1 abusive parent so the divorce is actually beneficial to the kid.
Assuming normal circumstances, shared family home still and co-parenting is about the best you can do. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 1:47 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm Interesting. So you think husband and wife suffering through staying proximate, even when they are constantly shitty to each other, is still better than kids losing a sense of home as a place, both physically and as a set of constituents? I think you’re underestimating how damaging it can be for kids to see parents who constantly fight and have grown to deeply resent/have contempt for each other. And I guess in the hypo where both marry well the second time the kids are supposed to get two places that feel more safe/comforting than the previous home, even when no one is actually abusive in the previous home. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130128) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 3:37 PM Author: Startling Black Woman Naw, what I'm saying is that the parents should avoid each other as much as possible, but the kids shouldn't have to move around b/c the parents are dicks to each other. Moving for a kid is way more traumatic than most ppl give credit for. The parents can have their own place, but the kids remain the the "family" home. That's the kids' safe place, don't take that away from them too. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130709) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 3:47 PM Author: Insane Rehab Wrinkle Bad idea. Never give ur ex wife access to ur home. Seen this scenario end w wife bringing drugs in home during her 3 days and saying she found them and must be husbands since he was just there (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130745) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:09 PM Author: Startling Black Woman Ah, well you're right that there are some terrible fucking people (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130828) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:28 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm Do you feel the same way about dads who move the family across country/planet for a new job? I.e. is it the permanence of a physical location or this configuration of people that defines "family" and "home"? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131251) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:54 PM Author: Startling Black Woman Honestly think it's more the permanence of location. Extreme example I guess would be the military kids who get tossed around...the instability of moving and losing connections to places (and also people) fucks with kids who can't process the change.
End result is depression (more often then not), anxiety and difficulty making and maintaining meaningful relationships with people. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:59 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm What about buying a nicer house in the same city, but the kids have to change schools? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131451) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 8:20 PM Author: Startling Black Woman Pretty sure all kids get fucked up in one way or another. Its just varying degrees. The hypo seems pretty good...but if you buy a nicer house you prob have some cash which will trickle into a teen drug habit. Prob wind up ok in the end. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38132085) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:06 PM Author: Orchid tanning salon mediation (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131126) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 1:50 PM Author: Lascivious twinkling uncleanness chad this is sad (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130133) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 1:55 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm It’s crazy how sad life gets in your 40s. Every couple weeks there is some new piece of bad news—another relative or old friend dies, gets cancer, has some bad accident or other terrible problem and shitloads of people get divorced. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130168) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 3:55 PM Author: Lascivious twinkling uncleanness chad doesn't have to be that way. do whatever gives the kid the most stable environment either of you can provide. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130776) |
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Date: May 27th, 2019 6:59 PM Author: Razzmatazz plaza by the time i turn 40 i'll have almost no family left and most of my friends will be struggling in marriage #2 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38297681) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 3:52 PM Author: Massive sepia hominid who's the boss? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130761) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 3:57 PM Author: pale menage foreskin one or both parents dies in the immediate aftermath (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130790) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:00 PM Author: trip buck-toothed station ladyboy (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130803) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:10 PM Author: Fragrant Internet-worthy Coffee Pot Stage (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130832) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 3:59 PM Author: multi-colored light background story happens early on and parents act like reasonable adults (i.e. have as close to 50/50 custody as possible and facilitate the child's relationship with the ex-spouse). (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130796) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:19 PM Author: Aromatic People Who Are Hurt Milk Bullshit. That's almost worse because if parents are reasonable and civilized that basically means they are emotionless robots or faking it and either one is bad.
I'm telling you, only way is to have a marriage so fucked up your kids all breathe in relief when it's over. And if its NOT that fucked up, dont get divorced. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:31 PM Author: Red elastic band , insisted Mandy unconvincingly to herself as another Facebook ad for divorce lawyers popped up. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131275) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:10 PM Author: Fragrant Internet-worthy Coffee Pot Stage Impossible not to fuck the kid up at least a bit with divorce (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130836) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:11 PM Author: Thriller theater faggot firefighter Ding ding ding, we have a winner! (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130840) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:12 PM Author: multi-colored light background story are there scenarios where the alternative is worse for the child? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130851) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:13 PM Author: alcoholic silver personal credit line cuck Obviously (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130857) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:14 PM Author: Thriller theater faggot firefighter (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130859) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:20 PM Author: multi-colored light background story then is it the divorce that fucks up the kids or having shitty and/or incompatible parents? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130890) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:22 PM Author: alcoholic silver personal credit line cuck Latter, but proles also get divorced in the modern world like it's nbd which is retarded.
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:24 PM Author: multi-colored light background story OP asked for a hypo in which a divorce doesn't fuck up the kids. in no way am i saying divorce is good or always better for kids or even usually better for kids. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130918) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:27 PM Author: alcoholic silver personal credit line cuck Yeah I mean the situation that leads to divorce will always fuck kids up.
In some cases it's the best of terrible options.
Others, it's a symptom of the parents' narcissism.
As a Korean, I couldn't understand how easily some of my friends' parents got divorced. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:39 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm Right, I'm interested in 1) how to make the best out of a divorce, and 2) whether/what harms are still expected to the kids, even if you divorce as well as you can.
From friends and acquaintances experiences, it seems like the worse the couple is as a match and the more awful it seems like it would be to be married to one of them, the more often they are terrible to each other during the divorce. The people who seem to be the most responsible in how they're handling the divorce are the ones that make you think "was it really that bad? did they rush into this decision impulsively after a fight and then didn't want to admit they were wrong?" These "calm divorce" people also seem to disproportionately be children of divorce themselves and more likely to act like divorce is NBD for kids. But assuming this latter group was actually maintaing a toxic Nutella parents style household for the kids, then it seems like it's a better result for the kids than them staying together, subject to fifteen other caveats and qualifiers. I do agree with the general theme of the responses ITT that shitty people are shitty and make things shittier for their kids and everyone else that's forced to interact with them in basically all cases.
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:15 PM Author: Turquoise odious bawdyhouse reading party Don Jr, Eric and Ivanka seem ok (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130868) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:18 PM Author: Aromatic People Who Are Hurt Milk Yeah that's all bullshit. The only scenario where the divorce wont fuck up the kids is where the marriage is so toxic and fucked up already and a single parent will do a better job than the fucked up couple together.
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:21 PM Author: Thriller theater faggot firefighter The kid will still be fucked up in that scenario, just less fucked up than if the parents stay together (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130900) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:23 PM Author: Aromatic People Who Are Hurt Milk Yes but it's not the DIVORCE that fucks up the kid. The divorce is cr. But yes obviously kids will still be fucked up. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130909) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:24 PM Author: Thriller theater faggot firefighter Divorce will ALWAYS fuck up a kid, its just a matter of how much (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130913) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:27 PM Author: Aromatic People Who Are Hurt Milk I disagree. In fact I think there are studies that show having a toxic bad father stick around is worse than having no father at all.
If you think divorce always fucks kids up, you haven't seen enough shit (this should in no way reflect negatively on my dad who was all in all an ok guy) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:27 PM Author: multi-colored light background story and a seatbelt causes bruises in an otherwise fatal car accident. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130926) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:29 PM Author: Thriller theater faggot firefighter Dont be obtuse
Obviously divorce is better choice in some situations, but that doesnt mean it doesnt affect the kids at all
Btw, thanks again for saving my grandmother <3 |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:33 PM Author: multi-colored light background story yw.
to be clear, i'm only responding to the OP and not suggesting divorce generally is a net positive for children. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:31 PM Author: insecure vibrant turdskin jewish (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130937) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:18 PM Author: insecure vibrant turdskin there isnt lmao (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130884) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:19 PM Author: mind-boggling nursing home immigrant (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130887) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:24 PM Author: Aromatic People Who Are Hurt Milk Is so. Mine is cr in an lsat multiple choice scenario. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130915) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 4:36 PM Author: Wine excitant sweet tailpipe (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38130966) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:02 PM Author: Comical Slap-happy Brunch My parents finally got divorced when I was 25. I had to witness a lot of terrible fights growing up, and it wasn’t even close to abuse (maybe a little verbal abuse). I wished all the time they’d get divorced when I was old enough to see how awful their marriage was. Lots of slammed doors and father not coming home at night to avoid being around my mom. Lots of crying and hysterics from my mom. Lots of yelling. I’d just try to avoid them both and learned to shut down emotionally at a very young age.
I think reality is that people on here overestimate the ability of an unhappy couple to keep it together for the kids and not devolve into constant fighting. Only scenario it could work is one spouse is gone for work a lot so there’s limited interaction btwn the parents which is really how it ultimately how my parents lasted that long (my dad moved to another country) so basically a divorce before the real divorce. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:07 PM Author: Drab Up-to-no-good Pit New Version There are definitely cases where divorce is better for the kids than the parents staying together, but there is no chance of the kids not coming out fucked up in some way. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131139) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:46 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm It's also terrible for the kids to be the world's leading experts on how their parents' loveless, toxic marriage/household feels. It sends you out into the world with all sorts of fucked up expectations and a baseline level of tension and combativeness built into any feeling of vulnerability, and its much harder to forge deep connections with people, especially in any kind of romantic/relationship context, where you aren't defaulting to judgmental and defensive thinking. It seems plainly obvious to me that two people in a toxic marriage with kids who decide to split up, and then find love and happiness and can be civil to each other afterward are doing their kids a huge favor. But I also suspect this is like .01% of all divorces. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131362) |
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Date: April 26th, 2019 9:33 AM Author: passionate coral property rigpig this (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38145339) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:03 PM Author: Drab Up-to-no-good Pit New Version The parents divorce because they can't deal with grief stemming from the childrens' deaths. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131106) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:32 PM Author: Red elastic band Both parents come out of the closet and now there’s two dads and two moms for the same number of children (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131296) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:33 PM Author: multi-colored light background story Estimate the effect of my in-laws divorce on my wife:
MIL was cheating, and everyone knew it. FIL refused to do anything about it because he loved her so much. When my wife is 12, MIL divorces FIL and moves in with boyfriend where my wife resides as well. FIL is extremely depressed.
MIL leaves boyfriend and tries to reconcile with FIL (so they all move back in together temporarily) but then leaves him again for the same boyfriend. |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:51 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm You have been cucked like 500 times and she probably fucks a new dude every week. Get paternity tests ASAP. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131395) |
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Date: April 26th, 2019 9:34 AM Author: multi-colored light background story fuck. you really think i should do the paternity tests? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38145343) |
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Date: April 26th, 2019 10:02 AM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm I was sort of joking, but real talk: my high school gf's mom left when she was like 10 and it fucked her up rilll good. She cucked me in the last 3 months of an 18 month relationship when we both knew it was over (and in a desperate, pathetic manner that just made her look like an idiot), but then viciously cucked her husband (who she met a year after we broke up) with like 20+ dudes for like a decade. Mom leaving a prepubescent/tween girl logically would scramble that birdbrain for sex/bonding purposes. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38145417) |
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Date: April 26th, 2019 12:56 PM Author: lake irate fanboi pisswyrm Really hoping someone's going to ask me for more details about getting cucked in hs. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38146514) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:40 PM Author: garnet locale Lonely hunter’s the mom. Or bpm affairs and locks down white ape (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131336) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:54 PM Author: Primrose ape pozpig I suck dick. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131413) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 5:59 PM Author: garnet locale (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38131448) |
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Date: April 23rd, 2019 8:31 PM Author: Bonkers dopamine this “divorce fucks up kids” flame is lol
being in close quarters during the most critical developmental years with parents who hate each other (and that becoming your model for all future relationships) is much worse.
case in point, nutella. |
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Date: April 26th, 2019 10:27 AM Author: Wine excitant sweet tailpipe What you're saying is that divorce fucks up kids but parents that can't act like adults and will regularly openly respond with hatred to their spouse in front of their children is even worse, right? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38145508) |
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Date: April 26th, 2019 10:34 AM Author: Tripping laughsome sneaky criminal Parents still love each other and stay together but simply divorce on paper for financial or legal reasons, and it happens when the kids are adults. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4247129&forum_id=2#38145554) |