Our relationship is good. We have many kinks, and are open to new stuff. For me this was my first GF, I never fucked someone else before, so I can't compare to anything. I'm a man that believes in love, but I do have strong patriarchal values, or at least I like to think that I do.

Before being with her, I would have rather fantasize about being a bull to other couples, being dominant, being worthy, well endowed, strong, worshiped. I dreamed (and still do) of having my cock and masculinity worshiped. You get the picture. She treats me good, I can't deny that. Sure, I could live without having this fantasy happen, as long as I know 100% that I am all those things for the woman that I cherish.

Because I really love her with all my heart, I wanted to make sure that she feels great and that everything is aligned with my perception of masculinity and male values. So I started to ask her certain things that for me are crucial. I knew she had 2 partners before I appeared in her life, and I wanted to make sure I'm the best, the strongest, the manliest. You might know where this is going. I asked her who fucked her the best, she said her ex. I asked her who had the biggest dick of all 3 of us, she said her ex. I asked who was the most feminine, she said me.

That moment, my world crushed into millions of shards. I felt unworthy of life, and still do from time to time. I know it's not her fault, she answered QUESTIONS THAT I ASKED, it's not like she said those things out of nowhere. I literally done it to myself. She noticed my face change when I heard her answers, and was concerned, hugged me real hard and told me that I am the best and shouldn't worry about anything. I did open up to her and told her that it affected me and that I genuinely believe I have a problem with myself and my dick and my masculinity. She said that it's not the case, I'm not unmanly, I'm handsome, and my dick is above average, but I feel like I couldn't trust that.

I asked her about penis size, she said that I'm fine and shouldn't worry, I asked what size would most women prefer and she showed me something that is way bigger than what I got, but she specified that most women would want that because they don't know that it's not that good and it hurts. Which is totally different from what I read on the internet, women want big cocks and most, after experiencing a big one get hooked. Average is good, but not ideal.

After her knowing that this matters so much to me, she started telling me that my dick is big, how much she likes how I fuck her and all that. But I just can't help it but remember her answers when I asked her those question, and feel like she's forcing compliments and being fake.

I battle with my own thoughts every now and then, I manage to rebuild my confidence, then something happens again, I remember something or I see something which reminds me of how I failed miserably. Overall, I can say that my self worth has improved.

A couple of days ago I licked her pussy until she came. It was the first time she came from being licked, ever. Obviously, she enjoyed it a lot. Normally I would be pleased and proud of myself, but I am not. Since that day she started saying how much she likes it, how much she dies of pleasure when I lick her and stuff, mostly without me asking about it. And I get more and more insecure about myself with each compliment about my licking, because I am not getting the same reactions when I fuck her like when I lick her. I asked her yesterday if she likes the licking more than the dicking, she responded with "your cock is the thing I need most and I like it most" to which I replied "You're lying" and then she said "you should be happy that I want you to do something to me that bring me pleasure. Fine, the most I like to lick me, I feel like dying of pleasure, take my head because I like how YOU lick me". I told her that I feel like a loser to which she said "don't you see what you're doing? You really think that I don't like your cock? Please don't start again". But I just can't help but feel worthless, as my fucking tongue brings more pleasure than my dick. In my perception, that humiliating. It's very frustrating to notice weak reaction from sex, but strong ones from oral. I feel like I'm not a man, but a lesbian, I hate myself with all my heart.

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PS: Why have I posted here? Because I need help and think they your experiences could be valuable for me in figuring out what to do. I love my GF and I want to please her, but if that means being a cuck or accepting inferiority, then I'm not down for that.

I know some of you will suggest going to a psychiatrist, don't bother with that, please.

I am honestly wishing I was never born, because this is not the life I envisioned. I feel unworthy. I could really use some genuine help, not insults and rude comments.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4396347&forum_id=2#39226671)

you're all a good two rungs lower than the merely queer on the disgustingness/degeneracy scale

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4396347&forum_id=2#39226754)