My name is Nagisa, I’ve been diagnosed with hiv on 5th feb 2020 and I cant make peace with it and I don’t think I would ever be able to do it.

I’m 24 yo and I have been infected by my boyfriend who was cheating on me with guys. Nobody knows about my diagnosis except him.

Starting from begging.. I’m from Poland but I live in England for 3 years now. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years, at first it was completely normal to not call it perfect. But later on I discovered he’s addicted to cocaine, even though wise decision would be to leave him I decided to stay and help him fight his addiction. There were ups and downs but I was always there for him, trying to create him home introducing him to my family covering his problems and showing him from his best sides. But on October last year I found him on gay dating site, I found out he has been meeting guys for sex every time he has been high on cocaine, it broke my heart, we split up for few month but been always in touch. This year by the end of January we met at ours friend birthday party, he said he wants to fight for us as he’s clean since our split. I decided to give him a chance, we end up in bed, had unprotected sex and because I haven’t been on my contraception pills we went to sexual clinic for emergency pill. And all of the sudden he decided to do his blood test for hiv, it got me thrilled but even for a second I didn’t think it would came out positive. Next day he got his results that he is positive, same day I started post exposure medication as I had my last hope he got infected during our split and never passed it on to me. But on 5th of feb I got my results I’m hiv positive. I feel like this date is end of my life where I was happy.

Every night I’m going to sleep with hope I would never wake up again. I feel like I disappointed myself and my family and especially my mom who always were fighting for my health as big part of my childhood I spent in hospitals and visiting dozens of doctors. I’m coming from abusive family where my father was an alcoholic, and the only thing I wanted in my life was to find someone to create full and happy family I never had.

And now everything I ever dreamt of is ruined, nobody would ever want girl with so many problems and is hiv positive. Even my boyfriend last week told me he cannot stand me and my meltdowns. He said I’m making him cringe and wanting to run away from me even though on the day of my diagnosis he said now he’s going to take care of me like I was taking care of him when he was fighting with addiction. Now I’m left completely alone with nobody by my side who would know what I’m dealing with.

I feel like this is the price of trying being good. I was stupid and naive and now I have paid big price for it.

If there’s any chance anybody who would be able to give me advice how to overcome all of this I would be grateful as for now I fell completely hopeless.

Thank you if you managed to read it through till the end.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=4536674&forum_id=2#40227720)