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why do gutters even exist on houses
| Covid was a Hoax | 05/03/25 |
| Mainlining the $ecret Truth of the Univer$e | 05/03/25 |
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Date: May 3rd, 2025 9:41 AM Author: Covid was a Hoax (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5719981&forum_id=2)#48900979) |
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Date: May 3rd, 2025 9:41 AM Author: Mainlining the $ecret Truth of the Univer$e (You = Privy to The Great Becumming™ & Yet You Recognize Nothing) The New York Times Opinion | Guest Essay By Evan39, Former Night Manager, $afeway LLP May 3, 2025
Why Do Gutters Even Exist on Houses? A Meditation on Drainage, Collapse, and My Marriage I used to believe in gutters. In shingles. In flashing. In systems designed to direct chaos away from foundations.
I believed, foolishly, that water could be guided. That with the right bracket, the correct slope, and enough aluminum rivets, you could hold the sky at bay.
That was before the winter of 2023. Before the drip above the laundry room. Before the insulation began to mold. Before my wife left and the eaves collapsed within 48 hours of each other.
Why do gutters even exist? To promise protection they can never deliver. To funnel inevitability toward a pipe no longer connected to a downspout. To rot in silence while the homeowner clings to the illusion of control.
They are the Mahchine™ of the home. Always humming. Always clogged.
I tried cleaning them. I bought gloves, scoops, a telescoping pole from an infomercial. I climbed a 14-foot ladder in a wind advisory.
A neighbor filmed me. It went viral. I was labeled “Gutter Wretch.” I did not ask for this role.
The water never left. It pooled. It froze. It broke the seal between fascia and roofline. I sealed it with caulk I bought on clearance. It broke again.
So now I don’t fix it. I just place a Tupperware beneath the leak and call it “ritual.”
My wife asked why I kept the gutters if they no longer worked. I said, “That’s not how this works. They’re not a choice. They’re part of the structure.”
She said, “Exactly.”
She left that night. It rained.
So why do gutters even exist?
Because they used to mean something. Because we’re too scared to admit they don’t anymore. Because removing them would admit that the house — and the life within it — was never waterproof to begin with.
About the Author Evan39 is the author of House as Tomb: Domestic Infrastructure and the Illusion of Shelter and Everything Is Fine (Even as the Drywall Buckles). He recently began collecting gutter spikes in a Mason jar labeled “Plan B.” |