Starting to feel like there might be something to this degeneracy conspiracy theory you guys are always talking about.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5895288&forum_id=2ค1¤7PHPSESSID=188a95202f833e097d78c96d76bac3f6#50080737)

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I live in an apartment with a balcony.

Yesterday, I came looking for him and caught him jerking off in view of the male neighbor across the way while the neighbor did the same. He didn’t realize I saw what was happening, and I left before he could see me. I really don’t know what to make of this. He’s never expressed any sexual attraction to other men before. Should I confront him with what I saw, and if so, how do I go about it?

—Surprised Spouse

Dear Surprised Spouse,

While your husband absolutely might be sexually attracted to other men sometimes, or even consider himself bisexual, he also may identify as heterosexual and have zero desire for or interest in sexual contact with other men. Kyle Mustain did a significant deep dive into the world of mutual masturbation among men a few years back for Slate, which might help provide some context around some of the reasons why men like to jerk off together without touching each other.

Anecdotally, I’ve spoken with men who enjoy masturbating in front of each other (or attending gangbangs together) as an activity between buddies and show no consternation about whether others might question their straight orientation because of it; men who deeply enjoy these activities and are fixated on the question of whether that makes them some degree of gay (as an introspective endeavor or more of a “I swear I’m not gay, his masculinity is so hot” denial of the complexities of human desire and the blurriness of our concepts of sexual orientation, which often turns out to be a precursor to coming out of the closet or a sign of brutal internalized misandry and homophobia regardless of where their orientation later lands); and men who are so put off by even seeing another man’s genitals in a locker room that they’re horrified by the practice of group self-pleasure. Clearly, your husband is not in the last group. But other than that, we don’t know enough to make any guesses about his motivations and what he was enjoying about this mutual exercise in exhibitionism.

What we do know is that if he and your neighbor could see each other, everyone else who might have looked out their window from either building could have, too. This is rude toward any adults who might have become inadvertent voyeurs, morally reprehensible if any children could have caught a glimpse, and quite likely opens up both parties to legal consequences if anyone chooses to report them to the authorities. That’s what requires confrontation here. If your husband can help you understand his motivations, what he was feeling, and what, if any, the implications are for his orientation, that’s great. But delving into an attempt to discern the details of your husband’s sexuality is likely to distract from the highest-stakes issue here: the deeply inappropriate conduct he is currently engaging in. There are many other, more appropriate places for him to find other men to engage in masturbation with, and switching to one of those is imperative.

The second question to consider is how you feel about your husband taking part in mutual masturbation. What we define as sexual interaction, or cheating, tends to vary on the finer points. This is ideally navigated through conversations about boundaries. Unless the two of you have discussed boundaries previously, and the issue with this incident is limited to the potential nonconsensual voyeurism of bystanders, this is something that he should have asked you about first by virtue of the fact that even though there’s no physical contact, this is a sexual interaction with someone outside of your marriage. Excepting cases of extreme stupidity or naivety, it’s as reasonable to expect a partner to clear this type of interaction with you first as it is to expect them to ask for your consent to make out with someone. Once you’ve addressed his inappropriate conduct, then you can address the breach of your relationship boundaries that took place, and work through whatever comes out of those conversations.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5895288&forum_id=2ค1¤7PHPSESSID=188a95202f833e097d78c96d76bac3f6#50080755)

Skip to the content

Slate Shop

Games

Newsletters

Sign In

News & Politics

Culture

Technology

Business

Life

Advice

Podcasts

Imaginative Dinomania

How to Do It

I Caught My Husband Doing Something Weird With the Neighbor Across the Way. I’m Speechless.

He doesn’t know I saw him.

Advice by Jessica Stoya

Aug 19, 202612:00 PM

A man standing on a balcony. A neon surprised-face emoji.

Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by stockbusters/Getty Images Plus.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I live in an apartment with a balcony.

Yesterday, I came looking for him and caught him jerking off in view of the male neighbor across the way while the neighbor did the same. He didn’t realize I saw what was happening, and I left before he could see me. I really don’t know what to make of this. He’s never expressed any sexual attraction to other men before. Should I confront him with what I saw, and if so, how do I go about it?

—Surprised Spouse

Dear Surprised Spouse,

While your husband absolutely might be sexually attracted to other men sometimes, or even consider himself bisexual, he also may identify as heterosexual and have zero desire for or interest in sexual contact with other men. Kyle Mustain did a significant deep dive into the world of mutual masturbation among men a few years back for Slate, which might help provide some context around some of the reasons why men like to jerk off together without touching each other.

Anecdotally, I’ve spoken with men who enjoy masturbating in front of each other (or attending gangbangs together) as an activity between buddies and show no consternation about whether others might question their straight orientation because of it; men who deeply enjoy these activities and are fixated on the question of whether that makes them some degree of gay (as an introspective endeavor or more of a “I swear I’m not gay, his masculinity is so hot” denial of the complexities of human desire and the blurriness of our concepts of sexual orientation, which often turns out to be a precursor to coming out of the closet or a sign of brutal internalized misandry and homophobia regardless of where their orientation later lands); and men who are so put off by even seeing another man’s genitals in a locker room that they’re horrified by the practice of group self-pleasure. Clearly, your husband is not in the last group. But other than that, we don’t know enough to make any guesses about his motivations and what he was enjoying about this mutual exercise in exhibitionism.

What we do know is that if he and your neighbor could see each other, everyone else who might have looked out their window from either building could have, too. This is rude toward any adults who might have become inadvertent voyeurs, morally reprehensible if any children could have caught a glimpse, and quite likely opens up both parties to legal consequences if anyone chooses to report them to the authorities. That’s what requires confrontation here. If your husband can help you understand his motivations, what he was feeling, and what, if any, the implications are for his orientation, that’s great. But delving into an attempt to discern the details of your husband’s sexuality is likely to distract from the highest-stakes issue here: the deeply inappropriate conduct he is currently engaging in. There are many other, more appropriate places for him to find other men to engage in masturbation with, and switching to one of those is imperative.

The second question to consider is how you feel about your husband taking part in mutual masturbation. What we define as sexual interaction, or cheating, tends to vary on the finer points. This is ideally navigated through conversations about boundaries. Unless the two of you have discussed boundaries previously, and the issue with this incident is limited to the potential nonconsensual voyeurism of bystanders, this is something that he should have asked you about first by virtue of the fact that even though there’s no physical contact, this is a sexual interaction with someone outside of your marriage. Excepting cases of extreme stupidity or naivety, it’s as reasonable to expect a partner to clear this type of interaction with you first as it is to expect them to ask for your consent to make out with someone. Once you’ve addressed his inappropriate conduct, then you can address the breach of your relationship boundaries that took place, and work through whatever comes out of those conversations.

Get sex advice—submit a question!

Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication.

Dear How to Do It,*

Your letter signoff

Your pronouns

Your email (optional and confidential—please include if you're open to How to Do It following up)

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I (very sex obsessed seniors) had anal sex once. She told me it was her first time, but then I learned she and an ex did it a lot. But she told me she didn’t want to and he forced her to do it—even leading to a divorce. I feel like there might be more to the story there. I suspect she’s done it a lot in the past and feels self-conscious talking about it. How do I raise this question with her?

—Curious

Dear Curious,

What you’re describing as your wife having done anal a lot in the past sounds, to me, much more like anal was done to her against her will on multiple occasions. Reading between the lines, I’m concerned that you think she is being shy or coquettish about a sex act she participated in during her previous marriage. What I’m seeing in her story, as you relayed it, is closer to a woman who was repeatedly raped during her marriage and got a divorce to escape that abuse. The physical mechanics of the act may be the same, but the emotional experiences and psychological ramifications are very different.

In 2013, the United Nations did a multi-country study on the motivations of men who’ve raped women or girls. The top motivation across all groups was sexual entitlement, and the second most frequently reported motivation was “fun/boredom.” Findings like these underpin the fact that rape is something other than sex, at least in the sense of a mutually agreed-upon activity for the purposes of pleasure or procreation. Stay open to the possibility that, for your wife, the anal penetration by force that she experienced is not sex, and the time she engaged in it consensually with you was her first experience of anal that qualified as a sexual interaction. This can absolutely be considered a communication misfire between the two of you, and the way forward will need an approach born out of a desire to understand her perspective.

Proceed cautiously, because any hint of seeing this as a sexy secret you want your wife to spill has a high chance of stressing her out to a significant degree. Given the force that she experienced, be vigilant about spotting and stopping the expression of any desire on your part to convince her to have anal again, which could feel like or actually act as coercion. In a moment where you’re both calm, have privacy and plenty of time, and there’s no context of sexual tension, ask her whether she’s open to telling you more about her previous marriage, and go slowly from there.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us!

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I have been together for almost two years. I’m 37, he’s 25, and despite the age difference, we’re incredibly compatible, especially sexually. We both have high sex drives, and for the first time in my life, I feel safe enough with a partner to express what I enjoy, try new things sober, and talk openly without feeling embarrassed.

Before me, my husband had never performed oral sex on a woman, and I had never been comfortable enough to fully relax and receive it. He took the time to learn what I like, listened when I guided him, and made me feel completely safe. I’m incredibly grateful for what he has helped me discover, and I desperately want to return that same care and pleasure. The problem is that I have never enjoyed giving oral sex or felt confident doing it. In past relationships, I avoided it whenever possible. The few times I did it, I was usually drinking, and I would find a way to stop before the man finished. Because of that, I honestly feel as though I am starting from the very beginning. I do not know how to confidently initiate it, what to do with my mouth, how much pressure to use, what to do with my hands, how to coordinate everything, or how to tell whether something feels good to him. I have read guides, watched videos, and asked friends, but I have received so much conflicting advice that I now feel even more overwhelmed.

Could you please give me clear, practical, step-by-step guidance for a beginner? How should I start? How should I use my hand and mouth together? How much pressure is usually comfortable? How can I avoid hurting him? What signs should I watch for to know that he is enjoying it? He is also uncircumcised. That does not bother me at all, but I am unsure whether I should do anything differently because of his foreskin. Should it be gently pulled back, left alone, or allowed to move naturally? Are there areas that may be especially sensitive? Is lubrication more important?

I understand that every person is different and that communication matters, but my husband becomes very self-conscious when I ask him to guide me. I think part of that is because I refused oral sex earlier in our relationship, so now that I sincerely want to learn, he feels embarrassed or uncertain about letting me try. I want to approach this without making him feel pressured, ashamed, or like a practice project. How can I reassure him that I genuinely want to do this and encourage him to give me feedback without making the experience awkward?

The second issue is that he almost always ejaculates very quickly during intercourse—sometimes within 30 seconds and around 95 percent of the time in under five minutes. Are there evidence-based options that could help him last longer? We are expecting a baby in a couple of weeks, so I know our sex life will change for a while. Once I have medically recovered and we are both ready to reconnect, I want to be able to fulfill his wants and desires with the same patience, enthusiasm, and care he has shown me.

—Late Bloomer, Eager Learner

Dear Late Bloomer,

You seem aware that you’ve over-researched blow job techniques to the point of creating a new problem in the form of overwhelming yourself, and you kind of buried the lede here, LB-EL. Take a moment to consider whether the hormonal shifts that occur during pregnancy might be adding a layer of stress or anxiety to your thinking here, or whether that might be coming from a desire to work on something you can control to distract yourself from the whole stack of things that can’t be known about what birth and the first few months of motherhood will be like, much less the tower of uncertainty pancakes that is the rest of your child’s life.

I don’t have data here, but every person I’ve known during their first pregnancy ends up on some kind of quest. It might have to do with the home, or a creative project, and sometimes these quests are fruitful in the form of six months of frozen pre-made meals, a beautiful, intricate novel, or a profitable small business. If that resonates with regards to the question of performing oral sex, you’re probably best off scratching that itch with something you’re guaranteed to successfully micromanage first, like alphabetizing books or organizing your underwear drawer, so the urge to solve something is satisfied and out of the way when you’re trying to relate to your husband and his genitals. The pressure you’re putting on yourself to find solutions to everything that is less than totally ideal in your sexual relationship is probably unnecessary, and inherently at odds with the kind of relaxation and connection that leads to having a great time during intimacy.

I’d also think through how your husband is approaching you, your body, your comfort, and your emotional stability right now, and how his own hormones and emotions might be shifting or heightened. Fathers go through some significant hormonal changes, too, even though they aren’t (usually) doing the gestating. This BBC article from April of this year goes so far as to describe the process as a second adolescence. For both of you, big changes will continue at a rapid pace through the months after you give birth.

Meanwhile, your letter lays out a lot of suppositions about why your husband gets self-conscious when you ask for feedback on the oral sex you’re trying to provide. Make sure you’ve confirmed that he does enjoy oral sex, wants to receive it from you, and is more into it than simply willing to submit to it. Giving your husband the patience, enthusiasm, and care he has given you might (depending on the details of his preferences) mean a different set of physical acts than the ones you enjoy receiving. Consider whether his reluctance to give you instructions is more of a broad tendency in your sexual relationship (or the relationship overall) or is limited to this specific act. If he does want oral, and is only reticent to give you feedback in that one area, be clear that you want to be giving him oral, that you welcome his feedback, and that you need some form of that, even if it’s wordless vocalizations, to be able to feel confident in what you’re doing. If he gives indications of pleasure during any other sexual act (noises, words, body language expressed through muscle tension, with his hands, or small signs from his penis or testicles themselves), that can serve as a fairly reliable gauge for whether he’s enjoying what you’re doing with your mouth.

Popular in Advice

My Neighbor Has Kids. I Have Kids. I’m Horrified by What She Thinks This Means.

My Sister Just Told Me the Tale of Her Latest Hookup. I’m Very Concerned.

I’m So Sick of Hearing the Same Old Complaint From People About Their Savings. They Have No Idea!

I Caught My Husband Doing Something Weird With the Neighbor Across the Way. I’m Speechless.

Generally, to avoid causing pain, you’ll want to avoid slapping, pinching, and scratching with fingernails and scraping with teeth anywhere on the penis or testicles, excessive squeezing, and using any amount of force to retract the foreskin (assuming, actually, that he enjoys having it retracted at all). So, basically, stick to gentle actions. You start by applying a type of stimulation that is usually not in the “painful” category, softly, and seeing what your partner’s response is. You then try that sensation with less pressure, speed, or friction and with more. Depending on what seemed most pleasurable, that’s what you build on. What types of stimulation can be applied with your hands and mouth is a subject that you are now, thanks to your research, familiar with to the point of saturation. All of your other questions are specific to the person you are having oral sex with, and the answers vary wildly. Broadly speaking, the head and testicles tend to be more sensitive than the shaft. There’s a qualifier here, in that (especially uncircumcised) folks may find stimulation on their head overly strong, and testicles are easily overstimulated or ticklish in many cases. You get in there, try stuff, listen for cues that tell you whether it’s good and whether it could be better, and you start to build an understanding of how things affect your partner’s arousal and enjoyment. There’s an added layer of complexity because experiences of sensations sometimes change depending on the degree of arousal. In your specific case, at this moment in time, I think the best advice I can give you is to take a deep breath, exhale slowly, touch his penis, and see what happens.

You can get to a point where you know what the best way to start is, and the best thing to do next, and exactly when to add a hand or mouth. But it might be awkward at first, and that much more so if he’s unused to giving you constructive feedback. Awkward paves the first part of the path to confidence. You build confidence through practice and familiarity. This applies to the general skill of giving oral sex to any particular partner.

As for navigating premature ejaculation, Rich wrote a thorough explainer for this column a few years back (see the fourth question and response), and the available options haven’t changed much since then. The silver lining here is that if your husband tends to orgasm quickly during penetration, he might exhibit that same sensitivity during oral, and that would make bringing him to orgasm with your mouth and hands easier than average.

—Jessica

More Advice From Slate

My mother is getting married to my absolute gem of a stepfather in a few months. I’m not being sarcastic—I love the man. But I have one, probably minor, concern that I want to address with both of them (or at least my mom) before they tie the knot. So, I know my mom has had sex before (myself and my younger brother exist), but our biological father is, to put it bluntly, a narcissistic turd. My mother is one of the “believe in the sanctity of marriage at all costs” types who didn’t even consider divorce when my father cheated on her. Between those two facts and that a couple of years ago I went to my family’s church and the pastor had a sermon that boiled down to an active encouragement of marital rape, I want to make sure my mom knows and understands consent…

Never miss new Slate Advice columns

Get the latest from Prudie and our columnists in your inbox each weekday, plus special bonus letters on Saturdays.

Email address:

Send me updates about Slate special offers.

By signing up, you agree to our Privacy Policy and Terms.

Copy Link

Share

Comment

Gift Story

Advice

Sex

About

About Us

Work With Us

Contact

Pitch Guidelines

Send Us Tips

Corrections

Commenting

Reprints

Subscriptions

Subscribe

Group Subscriptions

Sign In

Account

Subscription FAQs

Podcast FAQs

Newsletters

Customer Support

Advertising

AdChoices

California Consumer Privacy Act (CCPA) Opt-Out Icon Cookie Preferences

Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company.

Follow Us

Facebook X Bluesky Instagram YouTube RSS Feed

User Agreement

Privacy Policy

All contents © 2026 The Slate Group LLC. All rights reserved.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5895288&forum_id=2ค1¤7PHPSESSID=188a95202f833e097d78c96d76bac3f6#50080760)