i was born in 1994, in Los Angeles, California, but soon relocated to Woodstock, New York, where i grew up with my brother, mother and father, who abused me in all possible forms.. looking back i suspect that because of their abuse it was hard for me to make friends as a child and maybe something in my behaviour caused other people to abuse me even more.

until the age of 11 i was molested a number of times and was occasionally beaten by my father.. i was disliked by other children in my class at a progressive school..

i began talking with myself at a very young age. i do not remember if i heard voices at that time but i remember my mother's shock when she found me sitting in an empty room, talking with imaginary people.

i was sent to a psychiatrist.. however, i was successful at hiding myself from others.. i did well in primary school and skipped 2 grades (the 1st and the 8th). i entered high school at the age of 12.

around the age of 12 i started to believe that i was an alien. i was sure that i was the daughter of a very powerful being on a distant planet who had sent me to earth because he wanted me to be an agent here. i had repeated dreams ( or perhaps not dreams? ) in which my 'father's' people would come and take me to their spaceship and teach me their technology. there was one man there, named Atlagahn, who was in charge of my education, a so-called 'guide'. there were times i could call him any time i needed help, and he would respond by coming to me or by sending messages directly to my brain.

Atlagahn and some of the other beings often gave me orders concerning how i should act when i was around people. of course they specifically warned me never to tell anyone else about themselves or else they would never take me home to my 'father'.. i believed them.

around the age of 13 i discovered that i had magical powers to read minds. sometimes when i thought about someone very much, i would become this person for a few seconds (entering his/her body) and in those few seconds i could discover exactly what he/she felt, thought or saw. i could also read people's emotions by seeing their emotions in a form of a line or a light floating near or above their bodies.

throughout this period my parents were going through a process of temporary separation.. they never paid much attention to me any way and under these circumstances it can be easily understood how it was that no one thought my situation more unusual than they did. during these years i had a number of suicide attempts owing to bad school performance and inability to make friends.. i had many dreams (or again - maybe not dreams) in which some creatures presented me a black screen with a large red wound and told me this was my heart and that it will always bleed and will never heal. i remember hearing voices telling me that my current state ( of being lonely and having no friends ) was permanent and no matter how hard i tried i would never ever be able to fix it. "Not because something you did or did not do, simply because that is the way it is" i heard in my head "You are not guilty - just defective".. i also remember being accused of talking too elaborately and metaphorically for people in my age group.

at the age of 15 i graduated from high school. my grades were too low for me to attend the university i wanted to attend, so i enrolled in art college

it was the first time i had no strong obligations and a lot of free time on my hands. i became confused. my confusion was partially the reason that i started using drugs, including heroin.

as i began using heroin i discovered that my 'powers' were gone. i no longer heard voices in my head.. it was so so so very SILENT. i became addicted to that silence in my head. i took heroin for 6 months and came to a point where i needed 4-5 doses to obtain that silent and calm feeling. i smoked it - not injected, however, because i was and still am afraid of needles.

for a while i thought everything was OK. i was very busy, i had an academic activity i enjoyed and even some friends. i managed to combine long hours ( 10-12 hours a day ) spent drinking and using drugs with my friends with a rather good academic performance because of my reduced need for sleep and eating. i slept 4 hours a day and ate once every couple of days. none of these things ever worried me.. it never occurred to me that something was wrong with me. i always thought i was merely 'strange' or unusual - not ill. as for my unusual sleep/eating habits, i always thought of it as a blessing not as something that should be a cause for worry. (i stopped using heroin eventually because i understood i was too dependent on this substance and this substance was not a solution for me. i still held on to the belief that i had some magical powers left. i practiced tarot and black magic and read a lot of literature about Tao, Dzen Buddhism, Kabbala and mystics. several times i tried ( and i believed i was successful ) contacting astral bodies and spirits.)

towards the end of the school year, at the age of 16, i had what i thought was my first psychotic episode. it started one day when i woke up in the morning. everything appeared to be slow - my movements, the movements of the objects around me, everything. it seemed as though i never woke up. later in that day i got the strange sensation that things around me were not real. i remember myself sitting, wondering where i was and what was happening to me.. and EVERYTHING being SO VERY SLOW. i had a strange feeling, as if i were sitting in a fish tank, behind a thick, dim glass and everything i saw, i saw through that glass.

it was arranged that i would be sent home from school but i do not have any recollection of this. all that i remember is being home, seated in the kitchen, and my mother with a worried look on her face asking me what was wrong. i could not explain. there were not enough words in my head and the words that were in my head seemed inappropriate.

i had a month and a half of reality distortions. at this point i could literally hear voices OUTSIDE my head, talking about me or calling my name. i could SEE that objects were moving when they probably were not. i suddenly needed 10 hours of sleep instead my usual 4. and i was feeling so empty all of the time. nothing was very much fun anymore.

i cut off all of the previous relationships i had. people seemed 'flat' to me - without enough depth or personality.

i was taken to see a psychiatrist several days afterward. i told him about these events and my heroin addiction the year before. i was then institutionalized for several months and heavily medicated

after those one and a half months, the hallucinations gradually faded away.. i left the hospital, but something was changed. i did not want to be involved with people anymore. i started to hate my mother and father, outbursting on them, accusing them of various things they did to me in the past. i believed ( and i still do ) that they never wanted me and did not love me...

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2217083&forum_id=2#22905745)