April 5, 2015 by Jenika McCrayer

We recently received a letter from a reader asking how she should approach her husband about some problematic comments he makes about breasts.

While her husband is an advocate for gender equality, she feels the things he says about breasts are objectifying and sexist. She goes on to say:

"But I don’t know how to explain [how this is objectifying] to him well so that he understands. On the other hand, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s okay for him to admire/be attracted to a particular body part. Is fetishising a body part okay?"

This is a sticky subject to broach with men, especially those who feel that they actively advocate for gender equality and aid us in dismantling the patriarchy.

I get it.

Most men want to be supportive and appreciative of women, not to deny us respect and equal rights.

But we all operate under a patriarchal system in which we’re taught to believe that the female body exists solely for a man’s sexual pleasure and entertainment. This sexist and dehumanizing mentality is reproduced daily in things that people deem normal or trivial...

1. It Dangerously Conflates Attraction and Fetishization

Attraction is when a person likes how a physical characteristic or trait enhances a person’s overall unique beauty.

Fetishization is when that person just likes one specific thing and reduces people to that thing.

An example of this would be when men refer to themselves as T or A men.

If that’s the primary criteria of their attraction, they’re essentially saying they would turn away a great, charismatic woman just because she may have tits or an ass that don’t live up to some socially conditioned standard.

Alternatively, they would solely date a person based on how they look – and that, my friends, is the epitome of fetishization.

As a breast owner, I can understand the fascination with them. They’re amazing – I get that.

But breasts are not solely for aesthetic or sexual purposes. They have a function. And there are painful consequences to fetishizing body parts associated with womanhood.

For one thing, it’s cisnormative to equate breasts with femininity and womanhood. Not everyone who has breasts is a woman, and not all women have breasts.

Defining people by their body parts prioritizes your perspective of their body over their definition of self – which is exactly what’s happening when men are more focused on sexually or aesthetically appreciating breast than the freedom, agency, respect, privacy, needs, autonomy, and wellbeing of the person who possesses them.

2. Fetishization Leads to Objectification and Dehumanization

Boobs are great, but forgetting there is a person behind those fleshy bits is not.

Reducing people to their anatomy creates this space that some if not most of us exist outside of because we don’t fit into the male gaze’s narrow categories of what it means to be attractive or a woman.

This dynamic further marginalizes an already marginalized group of people, which is not something I’d imagine a self-identified advocate for gender equality would want to do.

Sadly, women and those perceived as women are still being commodified, picked apart, and scrutinized by body parts.

And most of us are so accustomed to being told that our bodies must always be accessible to the sexualized viewing pleasure of men that, like in the case of our reader, we second guess and question the validity of our own discomfort when faced with this type of objectification.

It seems like normal behavior for men to “appreciate” “women’s bodies,” but not for its functional purposes. Consequently, women are given very conflicting messages about their parts.

We’re told to “save the tatas” afflicted by breast cancer, but not the living, breathing person attached to them.

We are bombarded with scantily clad women in media showing everything but areolas to sell lingerie, cheeseburgers, and washing machines, but mothers are expected to cover their nursing children with blankets or feed them in the bathroom them so they won’t make other people uncomfortable.

Young girls are told that how they look and how sexually accessible they are to men are more important than their education when they are repeatedly being sent home from school for daring to wear shorts and tank tops (read: weather appropriate clothes) because their bodies are “distracting” to boys.

Women are taught to be shameful of every stray hair, stretch mark, blemish, cellulite, freckle and embarrassed of their arm fat, flat butt, wide butt, itty bitty titties that need extra padding in our push-up bras or big-ass titties that fall out of every flimsy top and need to be covered up immediately because patriarchy dictates how female bodies are viewed, what they are best for, and how they best serve men.

3. Your Comments Make Others (Like Your Partner) Uncomfortable

This is where I forget I’m writing this for a mass audience, smack my forehead, and think, “Come on, bro.”

If you only take one thing away from this piece it should be this: If what you do makes another person, especially an intimate partner, uncomfortable, you should stop.

No, this is not up for debate. That is more than enough reason for the husband to reevaluate his actions...

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are alternatives and solutions that wont conflict with your feminist values!

For example, you can do what a friend of mine does and first ask permission to comment on someone’s appearance before actually commenting. (“Hey, can I comment on your sweater?” “Um…yes?” “I love your sweater!”)

This was awkward at first, but I’ve grown to appreciate my friend’s willingness to respect other people’s boundaries and make an effort to give others full autonomy over messages received about their appearance.

While some of you think this route is unnecessarily extreme, it’s important to realize that some comments are neither desired nor warranted. People, especially women, are not always open and receptive to comments about their body, nor should they be.

here are some suggestions to help you discuss why objectifying statements and behaviors are harmful with your partner/s (and others):

1. Speak up immediately after the objectifying comment or behavior happens.

One of the main reasons people exhibit problematic or objective behavior is that they’re not aware that it’s harmful. So don’t be afraid to confront your partner, or anyone else, about the problematic things they say or do...

The person being confronted should respect you enough to adjust their behavior. And if they’re truly an ally, they should be actively working toward a better understanding of the marginalization that people face – even if it’s something as seemingly trivial as being really into boobs.

2. Explain why objectifying comments are problematic.

The reader mentioned in her question that she didn’t feel well equipped to call out their husband about his comments on breasts, and that’s perfectly fine. You don’t have to be well-versed in feminist theory to confront someone on behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

Allies should be willing to educate themselves on issues as well; marginalized people are not walking encyclopedias of oppression for people to demand information from.

Marginalized people are not obligated to educate another person on any subject (especially when Google exists!), but if you feel generous enough to provide them with basic knowledge and point them in the right direction, by all means, do so.

3. Keep the conversation ongoing and open-ended.

It’s an ongoing struggle for privileged people, marginalized people, and allies alike to unlearn harmful behavior symptomatic of the patriarchy.

People make mistakes. Don’t expect the other person to immediately stop saying or doing harmful things after correcting them the first time. Both parties must be open to dialogue as well.

http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/breasts-man/

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27629890)

No. No we don't.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632843)

If you only take one thing away from this piece it should be this: If what you do makes another person, especially an intimate partner, uncomfortable, you should stop.

No, this is not up for debate. That is more than enough reason for the husband to reevaluate his actions...

But it doesn’t have to be that way. There are alternatives and solutions that wont conflict with your feminist values!

For example, you can do what a friend of mine does and first ask permission to comment on someone’s appearance before actually commenting. (“Hey, can I comment on your sweater?” “Um…yes?” “I love your sweater!”)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27629895)

that's very othering to posts that you didn't complement. by blank-bumping and acclaiming some posts, you imply that the unbumped posts are not worthy of inclusion into the praise-space.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632894)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632899)

[FUCK RFRA FUCK INDIANA FUCK THE GOP AND IF YOU DISAGREE THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!]

there we are.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632947)

Fuck your post and your demand to co-opt my speech!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632965)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632992)

https://encyclopediadramatica.se/Emma_Sulkowicz

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27633062)

(two paragraphs later)

KEEP THE CONVERSATION OPEN :)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632902)

*xo goes apeshit*

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27632988)

Why Doesn't My Husband Compliment Me?

Subtitle: How your "ally" husband may be crushing your self esteem, and why that is NOT okay.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#27633071)

lol @ this pseudo-religious new age snake oil's attempt to fill the spiritual and communal void that's been inflicted upon the modern human by our ttt society... and all for 3 easy payment of 29.95!

, he lisped while sitting alone in his office at 1245 on a sunday

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=2848071&forum_id=2#28116218)