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Theaetetus: tried y'all's fucking neanderthalish wiping method
Date: May 5th, 2004 11:03 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker Where shall I begin?
1. Sat way forward on the seat. My jewels felt very cramped and uncomfortable. All you people who were whining about my method cuz your cock and balls got in the way are full of shit (no pun intended). No way you can have that problem with my method but not have them get in the way when you sit far enough forward to reach behind. Fucking liars.
2. Speaking of sitting far enough forward -- as noted above I was crowding the package, AND I have an elongated toilet seat (oval shaped instead of round), and I *still* didn't have enough room in the back to both get underneat *and* turn the angle to get to my asshole.
3. And once I did this, my arm was effectively trapped between the seat and a cheek. I had no freedom of movement whatsoever.
4. I will say this as a revision to my earlier criticism -- my asshole wasn't nearly as "far away" going this route as I thought it would be. I'll give you all that point. However ...
5. Because of the awkward angle and very small space to squeeze through, I still ended up having a harder time reaching it.
6. The wiping motion working from behind without being able to involve my whole arm in the process was very ineffective. I just knew I wasn't getting clean. And I wasn't. (See below.)
7. Given how little room for error there was going under with a clean set of paper, there was no fucking way I was bringing the soiled sheets back out for inspection. I had no choice but to drop them unseen into the bowl.
8. I tried twice more with no success and then finally gave up, scooted back, and went to work the CORRECT way. And guess what I found? Shit smeared all over the place, where I normally have none. Obviously, my wiping from behind did nothing but create a bigger mess.
9. Again, you people with the cock-and-ball objection have to be bullshitting. Sure, I'm not the most well-endowed guy on the planet, but I had absolutely no trouble at all accomodating my forearm to one side and getting all the work done that I had to do, with complete freedom of movement the entire time.
10. And you know what? Maybe I do have a small cock. But given that I'm married and plan to stay that way, I'd rather have a small cock and know my asshole is pristine, than a cock so big I have to live with a shit-encrusted asshole for all of my days. And I think any lady who'd choose the latter over the former is not the kind of lady I'd want to be fucking in the first place.
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:06 PM Author: Heady reading party you wipe from the front? who even does that? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388290) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:07 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker Apparently I'm the only person on this board. Who's willing to share, anyway.
And having tried the other way, I am more convinced than ever that I am right. |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:08 PM Author: Heady reading party Subject: ok so when you wipe with an arm from the front, do you start at the far end of the asshole or the near? that is to say do you start on the cockside or the backside? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388310) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:10 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker Both. Which is to say, I don't just wipe one way. I wipe forward, back, around, whatever. But all rather narrowly confined to the actual asshole area. No chance of contaminating either the balls, taint, or upper crack.
Of course, if there's been some splatter or splash, I'll venture out as necessary.
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:11 PM Author: Heady reading party Subject: do you ever get a little post-pee on your forearm then? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388337) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:14 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker Only very rarely. Usually the head's hanging off to the opposite side.
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:12 PM Author: Pale menage he has a small penis
so cute |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:11 PM Author: slimy aqua roast beef You should have applied for URM-status. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388334) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:08 PM Author: vengeful jet-lagged stead idiot Let me get this straight, you shit with your junk outside the toilet bowl and then wipe from the front? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388302) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:08 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker No, they're not outside the toilet bowl.
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:09 PM Author: vengeful jet-lagged stead idiot How the hell can you wipe like a woman if your junk is inside the toilet? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388322) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:12 PM Author: Maniacal Elite Indirect Expression Women aren't supposed to wipe from the front, due to the possibility of... contamination, shall we say. One of the more awkward moments of sex ed is when my 7th grade science teacher articulated this for the class. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388352) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:13 PM Author: vengeful jet-lagged stead idiot Correct. I'm confusing #1 wiping with #2 wiping.
Even my wife wipes from the rear when shitting. And she's the most anal (why can't I stop with the bad puns)-retentive person in the world. |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:15 PM Author: Maniacal Elite Indirect Expression Okay, just checking. I didn't want the "women's way" to be unsanitary and have us all get a bad rap. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388396) |
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Date: April 17th, 2005 9:28 PM Author: bull headed faggot firefighter you ruin the pun by drawing attention to it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#2580780) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:12 PM Author: Pale menage jnk is smal (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388358) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:13 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker A. How the hell could my junk be outside the toilet in any event?
B. Apparently most women (who've been willing to share on this board) don't wipe this way either, unless it's just to dry off the vag after a tinkle.
C. As I've acknowledged in this thread and elsewhere, my junk does not take up the entire space from thigh to thigh when I'm sitting in the shitting position. (I spread my knees fairly widely -- in your basic public stall each knee is on the side wall.) My junk is located in the center and there is sufficient room between junk and thigh for a forearm to get past.
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:14 PM Author: vengeful jet-lagged stead idiot wow. I wouldn't be able to do it without lifting the package out of the way.
If it works, more power to you. |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:34 AM Author: Exhilarant Resort Organic Girlfriend This sounds like a hell of a lot of work, why not just tuck your feet behind your head while you're at it? That would make the front entry much easier I would think. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391537) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:44 AM Author: Plum Weed Whacker It's a hell of a lot less work than contorting my arm to go behind my back, under my ass and back up.
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:04 PM Author: Vibrant principal's office rigpig Please let this subject die.
Thanks. |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:05 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker On the contrary. It's a whole new category in the Hall of Fame. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388275) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:06 PM Author: Vibrant principal's office rigpig Oddly enough, its not. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388289) |
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Date: July 22nd, 2007 8:49 PM Author: passionate chartreuse alpha STFU.
I hope your wife got pregnant, you dropped out of WUSTL, and you died from 3rd degree burns. |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:08 PM Author: Pale menage your just sad because you have a small ball and wiener, or whiner is more like it (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388305) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:18 AM Author: Maroon business firm depressive No way. This subject has been the highlight of my week. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391415) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:04 PM Author: Federal snowy halford good Lord. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388273) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:05 PM Author: supple pisswyrm dopamine "JackDaniels and ice cream"
Freudian, my dear Watson!
**PS: I will pray for your wife. |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:14 PM Author: Mentally impaired lemon love of her life >1. Sat way forward on the seat. My jewels felt very cramped and uncomfortable.
this is where things fall apart for you. you dont wipe sitting down. you STAND UP. |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:15 PM Author: vengeful jet-lagged stead idiot this is just disgusting.
When you stand up, the cheeks come together and it smears all over the place.
You grab the paper, lift ass slightly and wipe.
Personally, I like to follow up the paper wiping with a gentle, refreshing baby wipe. |
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Date: September 12th, 2004 9:53 PM Author: motley international law enforcement agency this is hilarious! hahaha (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#1328505) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:16 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker That is just absolutely the most disgusting thing ever to contemplate. The only thing worse than having a dirty asshole is having an entire dirty ass crack because you stood up and let your cheeks rub together and smear it everywhere.
Check out the day threads on this -- standers are the next minority group after me.
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:26 PM Author: Mentally impaired lemon love of her life i dont have tremendous assflab. things work out swimingly for me. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388523) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:33 PM Author: Plum Weed Whacker Nor do I. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388594) |
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Date: October 13th, 2006 8:16 AM Author: Fluffy emerald affirmative action school Apparently you do. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#6780461) |
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Date: October 13th, 2006 8:15 AM Author: Fluffy emerald affirmative action school If you're fit, your asscheeks don't rub together. and if you wipe properly, you end up completely clean either way.
Bottom line, you can't really hit it all well sitting down like a little girl, and why would you want to? |
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Date: October 13th, 2006 8:13 AM Author: Fluffy emerald affirmative action school TC, stand the fuck up like a man. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#6780456) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:07 AM Author: Plum Weed Whacker Bump for the day crowd. And because I know Stabby doesn't want it to fade away just yet. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391347) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:08 AM Author: shimmering skinny woman heaven Thea, do you pull your balls to the side with your left hand? Assuming you're a righty? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391361) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:12 AM Author: Plum Weed Whacker If I need to, which isn't that often. Cf. yesterday's discussion of ball retraction for temperature control. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391382) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:36 AM Author: Slap-happy mauve corner Am I to understand that most guys wipe from the back?
I doubt this since most guys learn to wipe from there mothers. |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:48 AM Author: shimmering skinny woman heaven No, most guys wipe from the back. That's how my mother taught me. Women shit, you know. They don't just piss. The front wipe is only to dry off the muffslot. They wipe from behind when shitting. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391682) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:52 AM Author: Slap-happy mauve corner And do you pull your tp from the top or bottom? Perhaps there's a correlation here in the teaching of mom's.
I've always enjoyed the feeling of running my forearm along my hog while preparing to wipe. |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:54 AM Author: shimmering skinny woman heaven I start off pulling up. (that's a bit of an aggressive way to describe it, but it's the easiest).
After a few ups, and when I feel clean, I'll push down, then it depends on the situation. Sometimes another few ups are needed, followed by a few down... just depends. But I'd say I'm typically a puller upper... taint to tailbone. |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:56 AM Author: Slap-happy mauve corner :)
Thanks for the detail, but I was referring to the tp off the roll.
'Taint? Where I live, Banus and Nacho are the more prevalent terms. |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:56 AM Author: shimmering skinny woman heaven I actually usually say grundle or choade, but taint seems to get tossed around on the board.
as for the roll, the tp hangs over the front of the roll. so I guess i pull from the top? |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:59 AM Author: Slap-happy mauve corner Never heard grundle. Choad was more common in grade school than now. 'Taint is what my dad called it. He's pretty old school, so I know that term goes at least back to the 40s and 50s.
Just as a point of science, I grew up pulling from the bottom. I bet I could get an NSF grant to study this correlation as a sociology experiment. |
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Date: April 21st, 2005 11:06 PM Author: dashing godawful house jap Are you talking about the gouche? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#2608832) |
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Date: July 22nd, 2007 8:56 PM Author: bisexual jewess I stand up and exclusively use Huggies Natural Care wipes, and I get my whole hole and crack immaculate. I can't imagine anyone doing this another way. There is no way I'm sticking my hand in a fucking toilet...especially if I'm at work.
That said, is carrying around a bunch of wipes at all time a bother? Yes, but it's a small price to pay for a clean ass. |
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