Theaetetus: tried y'all's fucking neanderthalish wiping method
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Poast new message in this thread
Date: May 5th, 2004 11:03 PM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
Where shall I begin?
1. Sat way forward on the seat. My jewels felt very cramped and uncomfortable. All you people who were whining about my method cuz your cock and balls got in the way are full of shit (no pun intended). No way you can have that problem with my method but not have them get in the way when you sit far enough forward to reach behind. Fucking liars.
2. Speaking of sitting far enough forward -- as noted above I was crowding the package, AND I have an elongated toilet seat (oval shaped instead of round), and I *still* didn't have enough room in the back to both get underneat *and* turn the angle to get to my asshole.
3. And once I did this, my arm was effectively trapped between the seat and a cheek. I had no freedom of movement whatsoever.
4. I will say this as a revision to my earlier criticism -- my asshole wasn't nearly as "far away" going this route as I thought it would be. I'll give you all that point. However ...
5. Because of the awkward angle and very small space to squeeze through, I still ended up having a harder time reaching it.
6. The wiping motion working from behind without being able to involve my whole arm in the process was very ineffective. I just knew I wasn't getting clean. And I wasn't. (See below.)
7. Given how little room for error there was going under with a clean set of paper, there was no fucking way I was bringing the soiled sheets back out for inspection. I had no choice but to drop them unseen into the bowl.
8. I tried twice more with no success and then finally gave up, scooted back, and went to work the CORRECT way. And guess what I found? Shit smeared all over the place, where I normally have none. Obviously, my wiping from behind did nothing but create a bigger mess.
9. Again, you people with the cock-and-ball objection have to be bullshitting. Sure, I'm not the most well-endowed guy on the planet, but I had absolutely no trouble at all accomodating my forearm to one side and getting all the work done that I had to do, with complete freedom of movement the entire time.
10. And you know what? Maybe I do have a small cock. But given that I'm married and plan to stay that way, I'd rather have a small cock and know my asshole is pristine, than a cock so big I have to live with a shit-encrusted asshole for all of my days. And I think any lady who'd choose the latter over the former is not the kind of lady I'd want to be fucking in the first place.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388260)
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:07 PM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
Apparently I'm the only person on this board. Who's willing to share, anyway.
And having tried the other way, I am more convinced than ever that I am right.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388298) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:10 PM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
Both. Which is to say, I don't just wipe one way. I wipe forward, back, around, whatever. But all rather narrowly confined to the actual asshole area. No chance of contaminating either the balls, taint, or upper crack.
Of course, if there's been some splatter or splash, I'll venture out as necessary.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388326)
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:14 PM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
Only very rarely. Usually the head's hanging off to the opposite side.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388387)
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:12 PM Author: red deranged nursing home
he has a small penis
so cute
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388348) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:08 PM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
No, they're not outside the toilet bowl.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388311)
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:13 PM Author: burgundy chad
Correct. I'm confusing #1 wiping with #2 wiping.
Even my wife wipes from the rear when shitting. And she's the most anal (why can't I stop with the bad puns)-retentive person in the world.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388369) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:13 PM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
A. How the hell could my junk be outside the toilet in any event?
B. Apparently most women (who've been willing to share on this board) don't wipe this way either, unless it's just to dry off the vag after a tinkle.
C. As I've acknowledged in this thread and elsewhere, my junk does not take up the entire space from thigh to thigh when I'm sitting in the shitting position. (I spread my knees fairly widely -- in your basic public stall each knee is on the side wall.) My junk is located in the center and there is sufficient room between junk and thigh for a forearm to get past.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388360)
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:14 PM Author: burgundy chad
wow. I wouldn't be able to do it without lifting the package out of the way.
If it works, more power to you.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388386) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:44 AM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
It's a hell of a lot less work than contorting my arm to go behind my back, under my ass and back up.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391643)
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:04 PM Author: out-of-control crackhouse
Please let this subject die.
Thanks.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388270) |
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Date: July 22nd, 2007 8:49 PM Author: abusive obsidian ladyboy institution
STFU.
I hope your wife got pregnant, you dropped out of WUSTL, and you died from 3rd degree burns.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#8422610) |
Date: May 5th, 2004 11:04 PM Author: metal pearly sanctuary
good Lord.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388273) |
Date: May 5th, 2004 11:05 PM Author: Effete field mood
"JackDaniels and ice cream"
Freudian, my dear Watson!
**PS: I will pray for your wife.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388281) |
Date: May 5th, 2004 11:14 PM Author: bossy concupiscible address
>1. Sat way forward on the seat. My jewels felt very cramped and uncomfortable.
this is where things fall apart for you. you dont wipe sitting down. you STAND UP.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388377) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:15 PM Author: burgundy chad
this is just disgusting.
When you stand up, the cheeks come together and it smears all over the place.
You grab the paper, lift ass slightly and wipe.
Personally, I like to follow up the paper wiping with a gentle, refreshing baby wipe.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388394) |
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Date: May 5th, 2004 11:16 PM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
That is just absolutely the most disgusting thing ever to contemplate. The only thing worse than having a dirty asshole is having an entire dirty ass crack because you stood up and let your cheeks rub together and smear it everywhere.
Check out the day threads on this -- standers are the next minority group after me.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#388403)
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Date: October 13th, 2006 8:15 AM Author: medicated tanning salon
If you're fit, your asscheeks don't rub together. and if you wipe properly, you end up completely clean either way.
Bottom line, you can't really hit it all well sitting down like a little girl, and why would you want to?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#6780460) |
Date: May 6th, 2004 10:07 AM Author: magenta beta office juggernaut
Bump for the day crowd. And because I know Stabby doesn't want it to fade away just yet.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391347) |
Date: May 6th, 2004 10:08 AM Author: excitant dilemma
Thea, do you pull your balls to the side with your left hand? Assuming you're a righty?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391361) |
Date: May 6th, 2004 10:36 AM Author: Pale fighting people who are hurt locale
Am I to understand that most guys wipe from the back?
I doubt this since most guys learn to wipe from there mothers.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391569) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:52 AM Author: Pale fighting people who are hurt locale
And do you pull your tp from the top or bottom? Perhaps there's a correlation here in the teaching of mom's.
I've always enjoyed the feeling of running my forearm along my hog while preparing to wipe.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391738) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:54 AM Author: excitant dilemma
I start off pulling up. (that's a bit of an aggressive way to describe it, but it's the easiest).
After a few ups, and when I feel clean, I'll push down, then it depends on the situation. Sometimes another few ups are needed, followed by a few down... just depends. But I'd say I'm typically a puller upper... taint to tailbone.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391757) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:56 AM Author: Pale fighting people who are hurt locale
:)
Thanks for the detail, but I was referring to the tp off the roll.
'Taint? Where I live, Banus and Nacho are the more prevalent terms.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391777) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:56 AM Author: excitant dilemma
I actually usually say grundle or choade, but taint seems to get tossed around on the board.
as for the roll, the tp hangs over the front of the roll. so I guess i pull from the top?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391784) |
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Date: May 6th, 2004 10:59 AM Author: Pale fighting people who are hurt locale
Never heard grundle. Choad was more common in grade school than now. 'Taint is what my dad called it. He's pretty old school, so I know that term goes at least back to the 40s and 50s.
Just as a point of science, I grew up pulling from the bottom. I bet I could get an NSF grant to study this correlation as a sociology experiment.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#391812) |
Date: September 12th, 2004 8:50 PM Author: Histrionic dopamine
Back by popular demand
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#1328229) |
Date: February 11th, 2005 10:20 AM Author: Curious internal respiration
*chuckle*
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#2108109) |
Date: June 3rd, 2005 1:23 PM Author: Low-t Center
bump
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#2921447) |
Date: July 18th, 2006 11:28 PM Author: mind-boggling rose dingle berry
bump for a classic
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#6245982) |
Date: July 21st, 2006 4:17 PM Author: galvanic nofapping state
10. And you know what? Maybe I do have a small cock. But given that I'm married and plan to stay that way, I'd rather have a small cock and know my asshole is pristine, than a cock so big I have to live with a shit-encrusted asshole for all of my days. And I think any lady who'd choose the latter over the former is not the kind of lady I'd want to be fucking in the first place.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#6268199) |
Date: October 13th, 2006 1:24 AM Author: mind-boggling rose dingle berry
Amen.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#6779649) |
Date: January 25th, 2007 11:30 PM Author: brass wonderful public bath azn
comparison bump
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#7486574) |
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Date: January 26th, 2007 12:17 AM Author: Vermilion Hall
tyty for your compassion.
this is indeed awesome
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#7486780) |
Date: January 25th, 2007 11:41 PM Author: Razzle theater stage
Vic stands up.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#7486630) |
Date: July 22nd, 2007 7:35 PM Author: silver deep laser beams
not been bumped in 6 months??
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#8422296) |
Date: July 22nd, 2007 8:56 PM Author: smoky duck-like orchestra pit boiling water
I stand up and exclusively use Huggies Natural Care wipes, and I get my whole hole and crack immaculate. I can't imagine anyone doing this another way. There is no way I'm sticking my hand in a fucking toilet...especially if I'm at work.
That said, is carrying around a bunch of wipes at all time a bother? Yes, but it's a small price to pay for a clean ass.
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#8422634) |
Date: November 25th, 2007 8:49 PM Author: silver deep laser beams
where have all the cowboys gone?
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#8936384) |
Date: November 25th, 2007 11:21 PM Author: provocative temple athletic conference
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#8937214) |
Date: September 11th, 2008 4:13 PM Author: Territorial Lascivious School Cafeteria Goal In Life
<3
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=23417&forum_id=2#10149737) |
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