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The chimps RIPPED OFF HIS NUTS!!!

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/04/chimp.attack.ap/index.html ...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
yeah, thats fucking scary. I would have let them kill me.
Magical Brass Area Fanboi
  03/04/05
-"Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," Chea...
magenta cerebral haunted graveyard
  03/04/05
This http://www.paddlewerks.com/en-us/dept_65.html did it.
aphrodisiac lettuce theater
  09/29/05
"He saw what was happening and had one kind of weapon w...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
he probably had a club and realized that this was not that k...
Magical Brass Area Fanboi
  03/04/05
I'm thinking he might have been carrying a taser or tranquil...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
"I'm never going to go into pro bonobo work." T...
Twinkling metal double fault mediation
  03/04/05
If you're going to do pro bonobo, at least team up with a ...
Shaky sanctuary
  03/04/05
what the fuck
Jet motley church building feces
  10/02/06
Nope. See the newspaper clip I posted below. He tried to sho...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
Polar bears can charge for 50 yards after having thier heart...
lake forum personal credit line
  03/04/05
THey also pull fucking KILLER WHALES out of holes in the ice...
outnumbered property
  03/04/05
No they don't, they pull seals out (this is also very impres...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
Lone orcas sometimes get pummeled and killed by gangs of dol...
lake forum personal credit line
  03/04/05
<3 all water mammals so very much!
tantric place of business
  03/04/05
You obviously have no idea how big an orca is relative to a ...
curious sticky idiot chad
  04/24/06
Yikes. Sounds like a taser gun might be the most effective d...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
Taser prods can´t penetrate their thick fur. Polar be...
lake forum personal credit line
  03/04/05
Hmm. Good point. I bet the bears run faster than humans too,...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
How many mph, petro? I'm sure you know this. 30?
outnumbered property
  03/04/05
Up to 25mph on level ground, up to 40 downhill.
lake forum personal credit line
  03/04/05
why do you know all this crap? Especially the stuff about c...
Offensive peach cuckoldry legend
  11/29/05
Next year, I will hunt bears.
lake forum personal credit line
  11/29/05
polar bears?
Offensive peach cuckoldry legend
  11/29/05
Not unless I go to Russia.
lake forum personal credit line
  11/29/05
how many feet/yards/meters can a brown bear/grizzly bear/Kod...
Offensive peach cuckoldry legend
  11/29/05
his name is st. james?
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
St. James and LaDonna.
Claret Mood Elastic Band
  03/04/05
I don't think we need more evidence that these people are we...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
With a name like that, the fucker had it coming.
Twinkling metal double fault mediation
  03/04/05
Aren't chimps small? I'd like to think that I could take a ...
Dull appetizing office
  03/04/05
they are strong as 3 or 4 of you. seriously.
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
It doesn't really makes sense that they'd be stronger than u...
Dull appetizing office
  03/04/05
our neanderthal ancestors were smaller and MUCH MUCH stronge...
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
It's not the size that matters in that arena.
Dull appetizing office
  03/04/05
their dicks were also three feet long, and they carried them...
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
Did they beat chimps to death with them?
Dull appetizing office
  03/04/05
they killed the dinosaurs with well timed money shots to the...
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
I wonder if penises will get smaller as we evolve, kind of l...
Claret Mood Elastic Band
  03/04/05
probably not - I think our penises are much larger than thos...
Offensive peach cuckoldry legend
  11/29/05
average neanderthal was 5'10 and 200lbs of pure muscle.
Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point
  10/01/06
You would be as stong as them if you walked on all fours and...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
Actually, there's some web program out there that takes the ...
Dull appetizing office
  03/04/05
Obviously the chimp modeling in software needs work. &quo...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
that's Dickens.
Offensive peach cuckoldry legend
  11/29/05
Like I said, the software needs work.
Cream vigorous institution
  11/29/05
touche
Offensive peach cuckoldry legend
  11/29/05
That's what I thought, but apparently they are reasonably bi...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
If you ever find yourself in a situation where you might hav...
Twinkling metal double fault mediation
  03/04/05
That'd be a cool pay per view. Like a man v. beast type of ...
Dull appetizing office
  03/04/05
Dear Tom: Chimpanzees look mighty cute trucking around on...
Fragrant range headpube
  10/01/06
Chimps are not "pets"
laughsome mexican idea he suggested
  03/04/05
Especially after they bite off part of the wife's finger. T...
Violet Round Eye National
  03/04/05
If there were a video of this, it would be so much cooler th...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
i bet the chimp that ripped off his nuts threw those fuckers...
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
Paging more feces guy, paging..
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
Wow, when I saw this on the news this morning I thought the ...
Shaky sanctuary
  03/04/05
http://www.warbozz.dk/HavingFun/images/sport/karate%20chimp%...
khaki generalized bond station
  03/04/05
That monkey is just biding his time before he rips off that ...
Dull appetizing office
  03/04/05
NINJA MONKEYS ARE SO COOL, THEY MAKE ME WANT TO CRAP MY PANT...
Ivory adventurous hissy fit space
  03/04/05
Christ Jesus.
outnumbered property
  03/04/05
Pretty fucking cool but I'd like to see an all-out brawl
khaki generalized bond station
  03/04/05
Agreed. Chimp vs. a pack of Rottweilers would be gully as ...
Shaky sanctuary
  03/04/05
Oh man good idea
khaki generalized bond station
  03/04/05
They really should have just shot this man dead in the face ...
Claret Mood Elastic Band
  03/04/05
Apes attack, mutilate man Two escaped chimps shot dead du...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
so it seems he bit that dudes nuts off. sweet.
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
The revolution has begun.
sadistic talented dysfunction field
  03/04/05
I keep thinking of the opening scene from 28 Days Later.
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
That was a good movie.
geriatric french chef
  03/05/05
Karma Motherfucker
Titillating Ruby Locus
  03/04/05
you dont make any sense.
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
1) They let some violent chimp run loose and bite off the fu...
Titillating Ruby Locus
  03/04/05
The monkey who bit the finger was not involved in the attack...
Twinkling metal double fault mediation
  03/04/05
You're really narrow-minded. Think karma - then you'll unde...
Titillating Ruby Locus
  03/04/05
Karma is bullshit. I once saw a wealthy Indian man beat an ...
lake forum personal credit line
  03/04/05
It's posts like this that make you great.
Twinkling metal double fault mediation
  03/04/05
180 million
rose public bath preventive strike
  09/21/07
So these people getting mutilated is payback for owning a mo...
Twinkling metal double fault mediation
  03/04/05
it would make sense if they hurt the chimp, and then that ch...
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
OK, here's our difference: From my point of view, this chim...
Titillating Ruby Locus
  03/04/05
but they didnt harm the chimp at all. there was no injury i...
Charcoal kitty
  03/04/05
Karma doesn't apply to dumb animals.
Titillating Ruby Locus
  03/04/05
HERE- I'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS SHIT TO YOU, THOUGH: The L...
Titillating Ruby Locus
  03/04/05
That is vague to the point of uselessness. I will asser...
lake forum personal credit line
  03/04/05
Does it bother anyone that the severing of the testicles was...
Plum giraffe
  03/04/05
they were probably worried about an FCC fine...
Trip church
  03/04/05
That's one hell of a wardrobe malfunction. Next time wear a ...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/04/05
I'd rather get my nuts ripped off than my face ripped off - ...
Titillating Ruby Locus
  03/04/05
All these crackers keep getting Pwn3d!!
spectacular judgmental antidepressant drug
  03/05/05
So you're admitting that chimps = africans?
Adulterous Marvelous Goal In Life
  10/02/06
Is no one else disturbed that this fucking monkey had time t...
fighting partner site
  03/05/05
Bump, since the chimps are apparently STILL inspiring thread...
Cream vigorous institution
  03/08/05
...
outnumbered property
  04/08/05
HIS NUTS!!!
lake forum personal credit line
  09/26/05
that happened to opposing counsel when i worked for a differ...
Concupiscible tank trump supporter
  09/26/05
Thanks...it is at least partly inspired by your famous Chica...
Cream vigorous institution
  09/29/05
It bothers me how you guys are throwing around the phrase &q...
Primrose Dead Psychic Trailer Park
  09/26/05
Still beats cold hands. Chimps have warm hands.
Bat shit crazy senate
  09/26/05
Yes, as his testicle is being ripped away from his body, he ...
Primrose Dead Psychic Trailer Park
  09/26/05
I'm extrapolating. Chimps are supposed to have vaginas that...
Bat shit crazy senate
  09/26/05
haha http://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=103462&m...
Talking orchestra pit
  09/26/05
This story was nuts. Ok, my pathetic attempt at witty hu...
white market milk
  09/26/05
i wish somone had FORKED the story
silver therapy prole
  09/29/05
From the AP: (BTW, did anyone ever get pics or a video?) ...
Cream vigorous institution
  09/29/05
HOLLA!
silver therapy prole
  09/29/05
Did he have blueberries in his pockets?
aphrodisiac lettuce theater
  09/29/05
CHIMPS HAVE BEEN ON THE ATTACK WORLDWIDE. It's a weird phen...
glittery avocado stage
  09/29/05
I wonder how this dude is doing now?
swashbuckling medicated dog poop
  11/29/05
I saw him on TV and he said... nah who am I kidding, I dr...
stirring hominid
  11/29/05
no wonder you had that weird smile on your face today.
Offensive peach cuckoldry legend
  11/29/05
http://user.tninet.se/~ecf599g/aardasnails/java/Monkey/webpa...
Learning Disabled Pit
  11/29/05
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060424/ap_on_re_af/sierra_leone...
outnumbered property
  04/24/06
THE CHIMPS ARE REVOLTING!!!! *jumps out window*
Ivory adventurous hissy fit space
  04/24/06
The idea of 27 chimps ripping limbs off people gives me new ...
Cream vigorous institution
  04/24/06
Holy shit. Who knew chimps were so violent. This story scare...
vibrant rehab
  04/24/06
...
Honey-headed lodge
  06/01/06
CHIMPWN3D
Bat shit crazy senate
  07/18/06
ty for bumping this
charismatic stubborn crackhouse
  07/18/06
he ripped off his nuts, dude.
Bat shit crazy senate
  07/18/06
http://a.abclocal.go.com/images/kabc/cms_exf_2005/news/local...
Black friendly grandma school
  07/18/06
oh he's a fattie. let's face it, the chimp did what the rest...
Brindle location
  05/21/07
OMG
hyperventilating shrine
  09/05/06
were they able to reattach his balls?
alcoholic thriller garrison
  09/05/06
FUCKING RIPPED THEM RIGHT OFF
180 twisted business firm
  10/01/06
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y5vE3VQdLa4 http://youtube.com...
racy halford
  10/01/06
Time magazine asks: What makes us different from chimps? ...
stirring hominid
  10/01/06
I was once walking on a street in ukraine when i was about 1...
Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point
  10/01/06
why didn't the trainer attack you?
turquoise french black woman
  10/01/06
my mom attacked him. she said the monkey was crazy. but he ...
Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point
  10/01/06
keep in mind that while i wanted to kill the monkey i never ...
Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point
  10/01/06
hahahahaah this was a WAY underrated post
comical drab piazza clown
  05/21/07
that wasnt a chimp dude, sounds like a monkey
rose public bath preventive strike
  10/01/07
we are, after all, just a bunch of hairless monkeys with lan...
chestnut histrionic resort
  10/02/06
Chimpanzees look mighty cute trucking around on their ro...
Fragrant range headpube
  10/02/06
HIS NUTS!!!
Black friendly grandma school
  10/02/06
I wonder how much a Chimp can bench. Does this explain wh...
Adulterous Marvelous Goal In Life
  10/02/06
stay safe in 2007.
Black friendly grandma school
  01/02/07
[bump for no good reason but that I had a giggle over this...
mind-boggling swollen chapel rigpig
  05/21/07
thx for goodtimes bump
comical drab piazza clown
  05/21/07
...
garnet odious hall international law enforcement agency
  09/13/07
Bumps.
rose public bath preventive strike
  09/21/07
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/10/01/uk.chimp.ap/index...
Cream vigorous institution
  10/01/07
never forget
Bipolar Step-uncle's House Hunting Ground
  12/04/07
...
Heady box office
  12/12/07
...
Soul-stirring Dilemma Jew
  01/28/08
Bump for 600-lb deadlifts.
Jet-lagged Dark Heaven
  04/20/08
LET THIS SERVE AS A WARNING, OBAMA!
Soul-stirring Dilemma Jew
  07/10/08
RIPPED OFF HIS NUTS.
Black friendly grandma school
  11/10/08
Where you been?
territorial bull headed address mad cow disease
  11/11/08


Poast new message in this thread





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:31 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/04/chimp.attack.ap/index.html

"St. James Davis had severe facial injuries and would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose, Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield. His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian.

...

Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and dragged him down the road, authorities said."

Holy shit!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255772)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:33 AM
Author: Magical Brass Area Fanboi

yeah, thats fucking scary. I would have let them kill me.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255778)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:23 AM
Author: magenta cerebral haunted graveyard

-"Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," Chealander said.-

Maybe they should have brought in the horse video.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255937)





Date: September 29th, 2005 5:06 PM
Author: aphrodisiac lettuce theater

This http://www.paddlewerks.com/en-us/dept_65.html did it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3932155)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:35 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

"He saw what was happening and had one kind of weapon with him and then got another he felt would be more substantial and shot them," Martarano said. "He pretty much saved a life."

What the fuck? He was packing a handgun and decided he needed a rifle?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255784)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:36 AM
Author: Magical Brass Area Fanboi

he probably had a club and realized that this was not that kind of fight.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255787)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:48 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

I'm thinking he might have been carrying a taser or tranquilizer, and realized he needed to use deadly force.

I fucking hate chimps. I'm never going to go into pro bonobo work.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255826)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:49 AM
Author: Twinkling metal double fault mediation

"I'm never going to go into pro bonobo work."

That was so absolutely terrible I laughed.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255828)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:52 AM
Author: Shaky sanctuary

If you're going to do pro bonobo, at least team up with a pubic defender.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255835)





Date: October 2nd, 2006 3:24 AM
Author: Jet motley church building feces

what the fuck

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6713079)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:57 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Nope. See the newspaper clip I posted below. He tried to shoot them with a .45 but it WAS NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH. He had to go back in for more powerful ammo.

Holy shit, it took .45 ACP hollowpoints to down these fuckers. Do you know how much stopping power that is?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256069)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:07 PM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

Polar bears can charge for 50 yards after having thier hearts blown out with 10ga. copper sabots.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256123)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:09 PM
Author: outnumbered property

THey also pull fucking KILLER WHALES out of holes in the ice.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256130)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:10 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

No they don't, they pull seals out (this is also very impressive) or MAYBE baby orcas.

Have you seen Shamu? Orcas are the most physically impressive and powerful carnivores on the planet. Fucking T-Rex in the water, and smart as shit.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256138)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:13 PM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

Lone orcas sometimes get pummeled and killed by gangs of dolphins, much as Orca packs often take down much larger whales.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256153)





Date: March 4th, 2005 9:43 PM
Author: tantric place of business

<3 all water mammals

so very much!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2260067)





Date: April 24th, 2006 12:40 PM
Author: curious sticky idiot chad

You obviously have no idea how big an orca is relative to a polar bear.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#5641820)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:09 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Yikes. Sounds like a taser gun might be the most effective defense.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256132)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:12 PM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

Taser prods can´t penetrate their thick fur. Polar bear fur was so valued that Eskimo men who could produce bearskin boots for their brides would often be offered the chief´s daughter. The Inuit method of killing a polar bear involved diversion plus a massive spear-borne assault designed to sever the spine.

Modern-day hunters shoot from a distance and aim for the head, due to the heart thing described above.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256149)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:18 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Hmm. Good point. I bet the bears run faster than humans too, especially on ice.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256183)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:20 PM
Author: outnumbered property

How many mph, petro? I'm sure you know this. 30?



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256196)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:21 PM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

Up to 25mph on level ground, up to 40 downhill.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256207)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:05 AM
Author: Offensive peach cuckoldry legend

why do you know all this crap? Especially the stuff about copper sabots. When would this ever be useful to you?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408228)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:06 AM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

Next year, I will hunt bears.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408232)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:07 AM
Author: Offensive peach cuckoldry legend

polar bears?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408248)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:07 AM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

Not unless I go to Russia.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408254)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:13 AM
Author: Offensive peach cuckoldry legend

how many feet/yards/meters can a brown bear/grizzly bear/Kodiak bear run after its heart is blown out?

How can a bear even run with no heart? Is that possible?

Finally, what makes chimps so fucking strong? Are their muscles just a different composition? WTF?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408307)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:46 AM
Author: Charcoal kitty

his name is st. james?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255822)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:51 AM
Author: Claret Mood Elastic Band

St. James and LaDonna.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255834)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:52 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

I don't think we need more evidence that these people are weird. They had a pet ATTACK CHIMP.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255837)





Date: March 4th, 2005 10:52 AM
Author: Twinkling metal double fault mediation

With a name like that, the fucker had it coming.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255836)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:01 AM
Author: Dull appetizing office

Aren't chimps small? I'd like to think that I could take a couple of them.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255860)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:02 AM
Author: Charcoal kitty

they are strong as 3 or 4 of you. seriously.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255866)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:07 AM
Author: Dull appetizing office

It doesn't really makes sense that they'd be stronger than us considering we evolved from them. Although I guess we figured out how to use weapons so maybe that's why we got weaker.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255883)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:08 AM
Author: Charcoal kitty

our neanderthal ancestors were smaller and MUCH MUCH stronger than us. they also had much larger brains.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255890)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:09 AM
Author: Dull appetizing office

It's not the size that matters in that arena.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255894)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:10 AM
Author: Charcoal kitty

their dicks were also three feet long, and they carried them in their hands when they walked.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255898)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:11 AM
Author: Dull appetizing office

Did they beat chimps to death with them?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255901)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:13 AM
Author: Charcoal kitty

they killed the dinosaurs with well timed money shots to the face.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255904)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:19 AM
Author: Claret Mood Elastic Band

I wonder if penises will get smaller as we evolve, kind of like how we're getting less hairy.

I figure our ancestors had big cocks to strut around peacock-like in order to impress the caveladies.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255922)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:07 AM
Author: Offensive peach cuckoldry legend

probably not - I think our penises are much larger than those of gorillas, so if anything, evolution has made our junk larger. Of course, a large penis is useless as far as evolutionary fitness goes, unless it is some kind of branding device used to attract a mate. I think.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408244)





Date: October 1st, 2006 10:53 PM
Author: Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point

average neanderthal was 5'10 and 200lbs of pure muscle.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711626)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:09 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

You would be as stong as them if you walked on all fours and rattled your cage all day, just like they would type as well as you if they posted here all day.

Of course, unlike you, they would someday produce the complete works of Shakespeare, while you might never get out of the cage.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255891)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:11 AM
Author: Dull appetizing office

Actually, there's some web program out there that takes the computing force of everyone's computer on the network and simulates monkeys banging on typewriters. They haven't even gotten a sentence out of it yet.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255900)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:13 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Obviously the chimp modeling in software needs work.

"It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times"

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255903)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:07 AM
Author: Offensive peach cuckoldry legend

that's Dickens.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408251)





Date: November 29th, 2005 9:07 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Like I said, the software needs work.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4409974)





Date: November 29th, 2005 10:02 AM
Author: Offensive peach cuckoldry legend

touche

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4410032)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:03 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

That's what I thought, but apparently they are reasonably big (1/3-1/2 human size), killer fast, killer strong (stronger than humans), and mean as fuck. They are also smart, which counts in a fight, and have no morals, so they fight dirty as shit.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255869)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:04 AM
Author: Twinkling metal double fault mediation

If you ever find yourself in a situation where you might have to fight a few of them, please try to let me know beforehand.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255871)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:08 AM
Author: Dull appetizing office

That'd be a cool pay per view. Like a man v. beast type of thing.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255888)





Date: October 1st, 2006 10:02 PM
Author: Fragrant range headpube

Dear Tom:

Chimpanzees look mighty cute trucking around on their roller skates, wearing funny hats, and going "ook, ook," but when roused they are vicious little bastards and not to be trifled with. Blessed with a muscle structure considerably superior to that of Homo sapiens (if not nearly as fetching in a bathing suit), chimpanzees can handle almost anything that comes along. Three drunks at a carnival would be no sweat.

It's a lot easier to get a chimp in roller skates than it is to get him to pump iron--hence, most of the data on chimp strength is anecdotal and decidedly unscientific. In tests at the Bronx Zoo in 1924, a dynamometer--a scale that measures the mechanical force of a pull on a spring--was erected in the monkey house. A 165-pound male chimpanzee named "Boma" registered a pull of 847 pounds, using only his right hand (although he did have his feet braced against the wall, being somewhat hip, in his simian way, to the principles of leverage). A 165-pound man, by comparison, could manage a one-handed pull of about 210 pounds. Even more frightening, a female chimp, weighing a mere 135 pounds and going by the name of Suzette, checked in with a one-handed pull of 1,260 pounds. (She was in a fit of passion at the time; one shudders to think what her boyfriend must have looked like next morning.) In dead lifts, chimps have been known to manage weights of 600 pounds without even breaking into a sweat. A male gorilla could probably heft an 1,800-pound weight and not think twice about it.

As you might deduce, therefore, the word on keeping chimps as pets is a big negatory. Chimpanzees can never be fully domesticated; they're aggressive by nature and sooner or later they'll start to threaten their keepers in subtle ape ways that the untrained eye won't recognize, until one day--blammo.

But maybe you're thinking, I'll just keep the little beast until it starts to act tough, and then toss it back into the jungle. Wrong. A chimpanzee brought up in captivity won't be accepted by its brothers in the wild. Shunned, the citified chimp will either starve to death or be set upon by a simian hit squad. No matter how you look at it, keeping a chimp as a pet is dangerous and inhumane.

--CECIL ADAMS

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711236)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:02 AM
Author: laughsome mexican idea he suggested

Chimps are not "pets"



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255862)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:59 AM
Author: Violet Round Eye National

Especially after they bite off part of the wife's finger. That should have been their sign to stay away.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256081)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:04 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

If there were a video of this, it would be so much cooler than the pizza video. Instant classic.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255874)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:06 AM
Author: Charcoal kitty

i bet the chimp that ripped off his nuts threw those fuckers at him. i can almost guarantee it.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255877)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:08 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Paging more feces guy, paging..

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255887)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:06 AM
Author: Shaky sanctuary

Wow, when I saw this on the news this morning I thought the exact same thing. First person to post a video on XOXO of a chimp/human fight will be elected king.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255878)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:16 AM
Author: khaki generalized bond station

http://www.warbozz.dk/HavingFun/images/sport/karate%20chimp%20funny%20fight%20amazing.mpeg

It's funny but not the most savage

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255909)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:22 AM
Author: Dull appetizing office

That monkey is just biding his time before he rips off that karate guy's nuts.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255932)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:23 AM
Author: Ivory adventurous hissy fit space

NINJA MONKEYS ARE SO COOL, THEY MAKE ME WANT TO CRAP MY PANTS.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255935)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:30 AM
Author: outnumbered property

Christ Jesus.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255966)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:57 AM
Author: khaki generalized bond station

Pretty fucking cool but I'd like to see an all-out brawl

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256071)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:01 PM
Author: Shaky sanctuary

Agreed. Chimp vs. a pack of Rottweilers would be gully as well.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256098)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:04 PM
Author: khaki generalized bond station

Oh man good idea

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256107)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:22 AM
Author: Claret Mood Elastic Band

They really should have just shot this man dead in the face rather than drive him to the hospital. I mean, a chimp ripped off his nuts. LaDonna don't play.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2255931)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:55 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Apes attack, mutilate man

Two escaped chimps shot dead during vicious mauling at sanctuary; 2 others caught

By CHRISTINA VANCE and MISTY WILLIAMS, Californian staff writers e-mails: cvance@bakersfield.com; mwilliams@bakersfield.com

Posted: Thursday March 3rd, 2005, 11:25 PM

Last Updated: Thursday March 3rd, 2005, 11:32 PM

HAVILAH -- Escaped chimpanzees ripped a man to pieces Thursday morning at an animal sanctuary near Havilah.

The two male apes who mauled West Covina resident St. James Davis were shot to death during the attack, Kern County sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander said.

Davis was listed in critical condition at Loma Linda University Medical Center as of Thursday evening.

The savage attack at Animal Haven Ranch, a kind of retirement home for exotic zoo animals, came as Davis and his wife, LaDonna, were visiting Moe, a chimp they'd kept at their home for more than 30 years before it was removed after biting off a woman's finger.

It was during the morning visit to celebrate Moe's birthday that four chimps owned by the ranch's caretakers, Ralph and Virginia Brauer, escaped, Chealander said.

The apes were in a separate cage from Moe, and it wasn't immediately clear how they escaped. Once everyone at the ranch noticed the four chimps were out, they tried to calm and contain them.

The Brauers' son-in-law, Mark Carruthers, was holding his baby when the animals escaped, Chealander said.

Carruthers placed the child in a bedroom to protect him, but Mrs. Brauer ran in moments later, saying one of the animals was killing Davis, Chealander said.

After grabbing his .45-caliber handgun, Carruthers ran outside to stop the bloody attack.

Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, was biting Davis all over his face and body, Chealander said.

"Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," he said. "(Davis') face was literally ripped off."

As LaDonna Davis tried to help her husband Buddy bit her, causing an injury to her arm or hand.

Nearby, Ollie, a 13-year-old male chimp, was lunging back and forth acting like he wanted to attack, Chealander said.

Carruthers reportedly took a shot at Ollie and realized he had to reload with stronger ammunition to stop the powerful creatures.

He ran inside and returned, this time taking careful aim and shooting Buddy down, Chealander said.

As soon as Buddy let go of Davis, Ollie grabbed the helpless man and began dragging him down the road, Chealander said.

Carruthers fired again. Ollie fell.

The gunshots and shouting spooked the other escaped apes, Susie, 59, and Bones, 40, Chealander said. Neither of the females had joined in the attack.

Sheriff's officials got the call for help around 11 a.m., and medical crews rushed to the scene.

Medics bagged Davis' severed nose and eye in hopes of reconstruction. His foot was gnawed off during the attack and he suffered a severe groin injury, Chealander said.

Both Davises were taken by helicopter to Kern Medical Center, Chealander said.

After the attack, the search for the missing apes was on.

"We don't want to hurt them," Chealander said around 1 p.m. Thursday. "(Mrs. Brauer) has a relationship with these animals."

The chimps' caretakers joined state and county officials in the search for the missing animals, twisting up and down the dirt roads cutting through the mountain ridges around the ranch.

Around 2 p.m., they spotted the chimps. Brauer coaxed them in a cheerful tone.

"Come on girl! Come on girl!" Brauer said. "Su-zie!" "Bo-ones!"

No luck that time. The chimps slipped away and the search stretched on.

Neighbors sympathized with the Brauers' predicament. Teresa Randazzo said area children used to visit the ranch and bring bananas for the chimps.

"Nobody ever complains about these people," neighbor Debbie Hay said. "I think they tried to do a good thing."

Around 3:15 p.m., the searchers won a victory. They managed to get close enough to one of the chimps to give her water and tranquilizers. The situation improved from there.

By 4:30 p.m., both chimps were back with the Brauers.

One ape was found along a dirt road off of Caliente Bodfish Road and was gently coaxed into the Brauers' red Toyota pickup cab.

"I see a chimp walking down the road with Virginia," said Terry Mullen, a Fish and Game warden.

The second one soon followed. That chimp had found a family along the same road and was standing with them as they tried to keep her calm, Mullen said.

"These two people were actually petting this chimp," he said.

The elderly chimps were driven home together in the cab with their human caretakers. One watched the world go by the passenger's side window with a steady gaze.

Back at the cages, Bones left the truck first, but she didn't go into the cage.

Instead, Chealander said, she wandered through an open gate that no one closed. They tried using cauliflower to call her back, but it didn't work.

"Get some ice cream!" Mrs. Brauer said, according to Chealander.

That did it. Soon, both chimps were safely in their cages.

Chimps can weigh up to 200 pounds and are five times stronger than humans, said Martine Colette, animal services director at Wildlife WayStation in Southern California.

The animals have complex personalities and might attack for a number of reasons, especially if they're approached by someone they don't know and feel threatened, Colette said.

"For all they know, you may want to harm them," she said. "There's a defense mechanism that just comes right into being immediately."

The animals also have excellent memories and will retaliate against someone they don't like, the director said.

Chimps can live to be 55 or 60 years old and bond closely with those around them, she said.

Typically, when a chimp gets out of its cage, it's because someone didn't close or lock a gate, Colette said.

These apes have the mentality of a 6-year-old child and will quickly figure out if they can escape.

Chimps may also become aggressive if they get out of their normal enclosure and become frightened, said Jennie McNary, a mammal curator at the Los Angeles Zoo.

The chimps aren't violent or dangerous as long as you respect them and their environment, said Brauer friend Pam Stewart, who sometimes trucks oranges and other fruit to the sanctuary.

"They're cute little things, but they grow and they get big," Stewart said.

Virginia Brauer devoted her whole life to taking care of the chimpanzees at Animal Haven, said friend Jeanne Miller.

The couple cared for the animals with their own money and the help of friends, who brought fruit, she said. Mr. Brauer drives trucks, and Mrs. Brauer takes care of the chimps, Miller said.

"She's a wonderful person. She's devoted her whole life to taking care of these chimpanzees," Miller said. "She only leaves that mountain once a year to go to the doctor."

Brauer always took time to educate visitors about the apes and the importance of not trying to keep them as pets, she said.

Animal Haven Ranch is one of about three animal sanctuaries scattered throughout Kern County, said county Planning Director Ted James.

"A lot of times, neighboring property owners are concerned about what if the animals get out," he said.

Neighbor Veronica Evans said the chimps never worried her until Thursday.

"The most concern was always mountain lions, never monkeys," she said.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256059)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:58 AM
Author: Charcoal kitty

so it seems he bit that dudes nuts off. sweet.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256075)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:01 PM
Author: sadistic talented dysfunction field

The revolution has begun.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256096)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:04 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

I keep thinking of the opening scene from 28 Days Later.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256109)





Date: March 5th, 2005 2:24 AM
Author: geriatric french chef

That was a good movie.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2261948)





Date: March 4th, 2005 11:59 AM
Author: Titillating Ruby Locus
Subject: Karma Motherfucker

They were at the park to "celebrate the birthday of Moe, a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was taken from their suburban Los Angeles home in 1999 after biting off part of a woman's finger."

Payback's a bitch.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256077)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:00 PM
Author: Charcoal kitty

you dont make any sense.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256087)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:05 PM
Author: Titillating Ruby Locus

1) They let some violent chimp run loose and bite off the fucking PART OF A FINGER of one of their houseguests - no doubt they told her oh, he's so friendly - he loves people...

2) To add insult to the injury of their poor woman who is now permanently disfigured (yes, for a woman this counts as disfigurement - think about how often they get their nails done), they go to celebrate the birthday of this dumb animal.

I can't believe I even had to explain this...

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256111)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:06 PM
Author: Twinkling metal double fault mediation

The monkey who bit the finger was not involved in the attack.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256120)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:07 PM
Author: Titillating Ruby Locus

You're really narrow-minded. Think karma - then you'll understand.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256127)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:09 PM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

Karma is bullshit. I once saw a wealthy Indian man beat an armless child beggar with a stave.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256134)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:10 PM
Author: Twinkling metal double fault mediation

It's posts like this that make you great.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256137)





Date: September 21st, 2007 1:18 PM
Author: rose public bath preventive strike

180 million

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8670758)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:10 PM
Author: Twinkling metal double fault mediation

So these people getting mutilated is payback for owning a monkey that bit off a finger of a guest?

I'm not sure that's how Karma works.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256135)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:08 PM
Author: Charcoal kitty

it would make sense if they hurt the chimp, and then that chimp hurt them. do you understand what karma is?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256128)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:10 PM
Author: Titillating Ruby Locus

OK, here's our difference: From my point of view, this chimp, that chimp - no fucking difference.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256136)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:11 PM
Author: Charcoal kitty

but they didnt harm the chimp at all. there was no injury inflicted on any chimp, so this guy getting fucked up wasnt any sort of cosmic reciprocation for something he did.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256143)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:15 PM
Author: Titillating Ruby Locus

Karma doesn't apply to dumb animals.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256160)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:14 PM
Author: Titillating Ruby Locus

HERE- I'M NOT EXPLAINING THIS SHIT TO YOU, THOUGH:

The Law of Karma

In Buddhist teaching, the law of karma, says only this: `for every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful.' A skillful event is one that is not accompanied by craving, resistance or delusions; an unskillful event is one that is accompanied by any one of those things. (Events are not skillful in themselves, but are so called only in virtue of the mental events that occur with them.)

http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/freenet/rootdir/menus/sigs/religion/buddhism/introduction/truths/karma2.html



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256157)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:19 PM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

That is vague to the point of uselessness.

I will assert that there is a ´Law of Ptdollar´ where, for every event that occurs, there will follow two other events which may be good or bad depending on the consistency of the residue from the first event. Too many events in a row with bad consistency puts things in ´arrears.´ Hence, Africa.

See?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256191)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:00 PM
Author: Plum giraffe

Does it bother anyone that the severing of the testicles was mentioned pretty much as a footnote, while the face injuries were described as the main problem?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256089)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:05 PM
Author: Trip church

they were probably worried about an FCC fine...

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256116)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:08 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

That's one hell of a wardrobe malfunction. Next time wear a cup and a hockey mask.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256129)





Date: March 4th, 2005 12:07 PM
Author: Titillating Ruby Locus

I'd rather get my nuts ripped off than my face ripped off - I can always get silicone implants and take weekly hormone injections. With hair over your fake ballsac, lost nuts would be much easier to cover up than a mangled face. HTH

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2256124)





Date: March 5th, 2005 2:09 AM
Author: spectacular judgmental antidepressant drug

All these crackers keep getting Pwn3d!!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2261863)





Date: October 2nd, 2006 8:55 AM
Author: Adulterous Marvelous Goal In Life

So you're admitting that chimps = africans?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6713331)





Date: March 5th, 2005 4:05 PM
Author: fighting partner site

Is no one else disturbed that this fucking monkey had time to GNAW THIS GUYS FOOT OFF?! Fuck, how long did this go on?

Im launching a preemptive strike with a 2x4 or a shotgun on any monkey anyone is dumb enough to let get close to me after reading this story.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2263430)





Date: March 8th, 2005 10:37 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Bump, since the chimps are apparently STILL inspiring threads.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2289608)





Date: April 8th, 2005 4:46 PM
Author: outnumbered property



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#2516873)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:18 PM
Author: lake forum personal credit line

HIS NUTS!!!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912712)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:23 PM
Author: Concupiscible tank trump supporter

that happened to opposing counsel when i worked for a different firm

(OP has best name of all)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912770)





Date: September 29th, 2005 4:55 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

Thanks...it is at least partly inspired by your famous Chicago post.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3932066)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:29 PM
Author: Primrose Dead Psychic Trailer Park

It bothers me how you guys are throwing around the phrase "nuts ripped off"

In order to rip off said testicle, the chimp obviously had to squeeze it. Imagine the pain seering through his crotch during those seconds that chimp was squeezing it?

Lord have mercy

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912841)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:30 PM
Author: Bat shit crazy senate

Still beats cold hands.

Chimps have warm hands.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912847)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:33 PM
Author: Primrose Dead Psychic Trailer Park

Yes, as his testicle is being ripped away from his body, he can take comfort in the fact that the chimp has warm, fuzzy hands. You're nuts. (pun intended)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912868)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:35 PM
Author: Bat shit crazy senate

I'm extrapolating. Chimps are supposed to have vaginas that are 3 degree celsius warmer than a human vagina.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912886)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:40 PM
Author: Talking orchestra pit

haha

http://xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=103462&mc=11&forum_id=2#1600121

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912916)





Date: September 26th, 2005 10:42 PM
Author: white market milk

This story was nuts.

Ok, my pathetic attempt at witty humor for the day is officially over. I'll now go catch up on my Evidence reading. Good night, all.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3912928)





Date: September 29th, 2005 4:56 PM
Author: silver therapy prole

i wish somone had FORKED the story

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3932079)





Date: September 29th, 2005 5:00 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

From the AP: (BTW, did anyone ever get pics or a video?)

BAKERSFIELD, California (AP) -- A couple's plans for a birthday party for their former pet chimpanzee turned tragic when two other chimps at an animal sanctuary escaped from their cage and attacked. The man was critically injured with massive wounds to his face, body and limbs, and the attacking animals were shot dead.

St. James and LaDonna Davis were at the Animal Haven Ranch in Caliente to celebrate the birthday of Moe, a 39-year-old chimpanzee who was taken from their suburban Los Angeles home in 1999 after biting off part of a woman's finger.

Moe was not involved in Thursday's attack, said Steve Martarano, a spokesman for the California Department of Fish and Game.

The couple had brought Moe a cake and were standing outside his cage when Buddy and Ollie, two of four chimpanzees in the adjoining cage, attacked St. James Davis, Martarano said. Officials have not determined how the chimps got out of their enclosure, he said.

LaDonna Davis, 64, suffered a bite wound to the hand while trying to help her 62-year-old husband, Martarano said.

The son-in-law of the sanctuary's owner killed the attacking animals, Martarano said.

"He saw what was happening and had one kind of weapon with him and then got another he felt would be more substantial and shot them," Martarano said. "He pretty much saved a life."

St. James Davis had severe facial injuries and would require extensive surgery in an attempt to reattach his nose, Dr. Maureen Martin of Kern Medical Center told KGET-TV of Bakersfield. His testicles and a foot also were severed, Kern County Sheriff's Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian.

Davis was transported to Loma Linda University Medical Center, where he was undergoing surgery late Thursday, Martarano said.

Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and dragged him down the road, authorities said.

"Everybody was trying to get the chimp off," Chealander said.

Two other chimps, females named Susie and Bones, also escaped from the cage they shared with Ollie and Buddy, prompting sheriff's deputies, animal control workers, and Fish and Game officials to launch a search.

The wayward pair were recovered by Animal Haven owner Virginia Brauer after five hours. Martarano said one chimp was two miles from the sanctuary, located 25 miles southeast of Bakersfield.

The Davises had waged an unsuccessful legal fight to bring Moe back to their West Covina home and visited him regularly at the sanctuary where he had been living since October. They brought the chimp from Africa decades ago after a poacher killed his mother.

Animal Haven Ranch has held state permits to shelter animals since 1985 and serves as a sanctuary for animals that have been confiscated or discovered lost, Martarano said.

It is allowed to house up to nine primates at one time and is home to one spider monkey and six chimpanzees, he said. The permits are held by Virginia and Ralph Brauer, whom neighbors described as responsible animal lovers.

"She's devoted her whole life to taking care of these chimpanzees," said Jeanne Miller, a family friend.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3932106)





Date: September 29th, 2005 5:02 PM
Author: silver therapy prole

HOLLA!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3932122)





Date: September 29th, 2005 5:06 PM
Author: aphrodisiac lettuce theater

Did he have blueberries in his pockets?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3932158)





Date: September 29th, 2005 5:17 PM
Author: glittery avocado stage

CHIMPS HAVE BEEN ON THE ATTACK WORLDWIDE. It's a weird phenomenon.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#3932218)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:01 AM
Author: swashbuckling medicated dog poop

I wonder how this dude is doing now?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408190)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:10 AM
Author: stirring hominid

I saw him on TV and he said...

nah who am I kidding, I dreamt of him last night

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408275)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:14 AM
Author: Offensive peach cuckoldry legend

no wonder you had that weird smile on your face today.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408313)





Date: November 29th, 2005 12:16 AM
Author: Learning Disabled Pit

http://user.tninet.se/~ecf599g/aardasnails/java/Monkey/webpages/index.html

someone metnioned this link.....monkeys at typewriters..

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#4408335)





Date: April 24th, 2006 12:01 PM
Author: outnumbered property

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060424/ap_on_re_af/sierra_leone_chimp_attack

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#5641649)





Date: April 24th, 2006 12:04 PM
Author: Ivory adventurous hissy fit space

THE CHIMPS ARE REVOLTING!!!!

*jumps out window*

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#5641666)





Date: April 24th, 2006 12:50 PM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

The idea of 27 chimps ripping limbs off people gives me new perspective on the "how many 5 year-olds in a gym could you take on" thought experiment.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#5641849)





Date: April 24th, 2006 12:51 PM
Author: vibrant rehab

Holy shit. Who knew chimps were so violent. This story scare the bejeezus out of me.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#5641855)





Date: June 1st, 2006 2:24 PM
Author: Honey-headed lodge



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#5888529)





Date: July 18th, 2006 7:09 PM
Author: Bat shit crazy senate

CHIMPWN3D

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6243598)





Date: July 18th, 2006 7:11 PM
Author: charismatic stubborn crackhouse

ty for bumping this

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6243612)





Date: July 18th, 2006 7:12 PM
Author: Bat shit crazy senate

he ripped off his nuts, dude.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6243617)





Date: July 18th, 2006 7:42 PM
Author: Black friendly grandma school

http://a.abclocal.go.com/images/kabc/cms_exf_2005/news/local/110905_200stJames.jpg



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6243834)





Date: May 21st, 2007 12:55 AM
Author: Brindle location

oh he's a fattie. let's face it, the chimp did what the rest of us only dream about.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8146563)





Date: September 5th, 2006 1:42 AM
Author: hyperventilating shrine

OMG

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6559710)





Date: September 5th, 2006 1:54 AM
Author: alcoholic thriller garrison

were they able to reattach his balls?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6559754)





Date: October 1st, 2006 8:05 PM
Author: 180 twisted business firm

FUCKING RIPPED THEM RIGHT OFF

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6710407)





Date: October 1st, 2006 10:51 PM
Author: racy halford

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Y5vE3VQdLa4

http://youtube.com/watch?v=rjzD8C3Wh5A&mode=related&search=karate%20chimp%20ponytail%20monkey

http://youtube.com/watch?v=El4M5tk-N1A&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?search=karate+chimp+ponytail+monkey&mode=related&v=PMyADHpwJfE

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3sATcyuAC0g&mode=related&search=karate%20chimp%20ponytail%20monkey

http://youtube.com/watch?v=K3zEnyjS0rY&mode=related&search=karate%20chimp%20ponytail%20monkey

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711605)





Date: October 1st, 2006 10:55 PM
Author: stirring hominid

Time magazine asks: What makes us different from chimps?

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/10/01/coverstory.tm/index.html

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711637)





Date: October 1st, 2006 11:08 PM
Author: Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point

I was once walking on a street in ukraine when i was about 10yo and a small monkey(it was with a trainer and about 2ft tall) picked a fight with me over grapes. basically i had grapes in my hand and it had grapes too and when it saw my grapes it probably thought that i stole them from it. it hit me on the hands about 10times instantly without any warning, i basically hand scratches all over my arms. i was frozen with fear but then with anger. and i went after it to try to punch it and it ran away from me in circles untill my mom restrained me.

assuming i was 4 1/2 feet, it was probably 2 times smaller than me. i dont think a grown chimp is much more than 1/2 a grown man's size. it's not a gorilla. i think the only way it could beat up a man is if it beat him. just like any animal it could bite you in half. but its punching power is pretty weak.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711743)





Date: October 1st, 2006 11:10 PM
Author: turquoise french black woman

why didn't the trainer attack you?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711765)





Date: October 1st, 2006 11:17 PM
Author: Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point

my mom attacked him. she said the monkey was crazy. but he said that it was just stupid and thought that my grapes were actually the reflection of its own grapes in the mirror. eventually she accepted his apologies and restrained me.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711813)





Date: October 1st, 2006 11:20 PM
Author: Chrome beady-eyed blood rage point

keep in mind that while i wanted to kill the monkey i never actually touched it. since after it attacked me it ran off with its chain(he let go) and i couldnt catch it. there were people since it was Deribassovskaya Street in Odessa and it ran around all of them in circles. and in the end i was the only one who had scratches on me, but i was still scared because i remembered how it bitchslapped me about 20 times in 1 second.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6711843)





Date: May 21st, 2007 2:08 AM
Author: comical drab piazza clown

hahahahaah

this was a WAY underrated post

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8146918)





Date: October 1st, 2007 12:39 PM
Author: rose public bath preventive strike

that wasnt a chimp dude, sounds like a monkey

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8713439)





Date: October 2nd, 2006 3:41 AM
Author: chestnut histrionic resort

we are, after all, just a bunch of hairless monkeys with language.

oh, la dee dah!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6713126)





Date: October 2nd, 2006 8:22 AM
Author: Fragrant range headpube

Chimpanzees look mighty cute trucking around on their roller skates, wearing funny hats, and going "ook, ook," but when roused they are vicious little bastards and not to be trifled with. Blessed with a muscle structure considerably superior to that of Homo sapiens (if not nearly as fetching in a bathing suit), chimpanzees can handle almost anything that comes along. Three drunks at a carnival would be no sweat.

It's a lot easier to get a chimp in roller skates than it is to get him to pump iron--hence, most of the data on chimp strength is anecdotal and decidedly unscientific. In tests at the Bronx Zoo in 1924, a dynamometer--a scale that measures the mechanical force of a pull on a spring--was erected in the monkey house. A 165-pound male chimpanzee named "Boma" registered a pull of 847 pounds, using only his right hand (although he did have his feet braced against the wall, being somewhat hip, in his simian way, to the principles of leverage). A 165-pound man, by comparison, could manage a one-handed pull of about 210 pounds. Even more frightening, a female chimp, weighing a mere 135 pounds and going by the name of Suzette, checked in with a one-handed pull of 1,260 pounds. (She was in a fit of passion at the time; one shudders to think what her boyfriend must have looked like next morning.) In dead lifts, chimps have been known to manage weights of 600 pounds without even breaking into a sweat. A male gorilla could probably heft an 1,800-pound weight and not think twice about it.

As you might deduce, therefore, the word on keeping chimps as pets is a big negatory. Chimpanzees can never be fully domesticated; they're aggressive by nature and sooner or later they'll start to threaten their keepers in subtle ape ways that the untrained eye won't recognize, until one day--blammo.

But maybe you're thinking, I'll just keep the little beast until it starts to act tough, and then toss it back into the jungle. Wrong. A chimpanzee brought up in captivity won't be accepted by its brothers in the wild. Shunned, the citified chimp will either starve to death or be set upon by a simian hit squad. No matter how you look at it, keeping a chimp as a pet is dangerous and inhumane.

--CECIL ADAMS

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6713277)





Date: October 2nd, 2006 10:47 AM
Author: Black friendly grandma school

HIS NUTS!!!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6713638)





Date: October 2nd, 2006 9:01 AM
Author: Adulterous Marvelous Goal In Life

I wonder how much a Chimp can bench.

Does this explain why some african americans are so violent?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#6713341)





Date: January 2nd, 2007 6:55 PM
Author: Black friendly grandma school

stay safe in 2007.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#7335648)





Date: May 21st, 2007 12:30 AM
Author: mind-boggling swollen chapel rigpig

[bump for no good reason but that I had a giggle over this thread title earlier]

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8146416)





Date: May 21st, 2007 2:08 AM
Author: comical drab piazza clown

thx for goodtimes bump

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8146921)





Date: September 13th, 2007 9:42 AM
Author: garnet odious hall international law enforcement agency



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8635242)





Date: September 21st, 2007 12:26 PM
Author: rose public bath preventive strike

Bumps.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8670614)





Date: October 1st, 2007 10:41 AM
Author: Cream vigorous institution

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/10/01/uk.chimp.ap/index.html

It nearly happened again, but it looks like at least the Brit Zoo Security forces learned from the last round of nut-ripping chimp terrorist attacks. Note to ZSA worldwide - pack real firearms with stopping power - tasers and 9mms won't cut it!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8713062)





Date: December 4th, 2007 5:02 PM
Author: Bipolar Step-uncle's House Hunting Ground

never forget

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#8977435)





Date: December 12th, 2007 7:14 PM
Author: Heady box office



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#9017470)





Date: January 28th, 2008 11:22 PM
Author: Soul-stirring Dilemma Jew



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#9236937)





Date: April 20th, 2008 12:59 PM
Author: Jet-lagged Dark Heaven

Bump for 600-lb deadlifts.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#9654963)





Date: July 10th, 2008 1:31 PM
Author: Soul-stirring Dilemma Jew

LET THIS SERVE AS A WARNING, OBAMA!

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#9960922)





Date: November 10th, 2008 11:54 PM
Author: Black friendly grandma school

RIPPED OFF HIS NUTS.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#10350199)





Date: November 11th, 2008 12:16 AM
Author: territorial bull headed address mad cow disease

Where you been?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=144093&forum_id=2#10350274)