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XOXO Noir featuring Carl Spackler, PI

A scream rips me away from some office shut eye. Third time ...
maniacal titillating stage
  08/17/09
I was getting close. The explosion. The man in the alley who...
maniacal titillating stage
  08/17/09
As much as he was a huge faggot, Pensive was right. Neither ...
maniacal titillating stage
  12/12/09
17 billion.
underhanded buck-toothed psychic
  08/17/09
excellent read. ty.
French insecure lay
  08/17/09
yw. Hardboiled is not my genre.
maniacal titillating stage
  08/17/09
Where are my FRIENDS to critique this work?
maniacal titillating stage
  08/17/09
could you produce Pt. III already?
French insecure lay
  08/17/09
thank you fore this previously, http://autoadmit.com/thre...
mind-boggling apoplectic business firm
  08/17/09
An unappreciated genre, perhaps.
maniacal titillating stage
  08/17/09
i should say so
Crimson aphrodisiac boiling water
  12/12/09
Just added part three.
maniacal titillating stage
  12/12/09
ty. did you ever read the fish, p.i. thread?
Crimson aphrodisiac boiling water
  12/12/09
Yeah, good stuff.
maniacal titillating stage
  12/12/09
...
haunting laughsome national
  08/18/09
a sincere and heartfelt one hundred eighty from my deathbed ...
Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi
  08/18/09
180
frozen comical field
  08/18/09
...
harsh school background story
  08/25/09
lmao
Fantasy-prone iridescent whorehouse
  08/25/09
...
chrome chapel cuckold
  08/25/09
wtf dood? trap
Yapping thriller trust fund
  09/21/09
truly amazing. 180^180.
odious public bath
  09/13/09
wyf
Vibrant Blue Range Twinkling Uncleanness
  09/13/09
as a difficult grader, it's clearly material bound for perfe...
Exciting Shimmering Mexican
  09/13/09
180
Purple outnumbered hospital nibblets
  09/13/09
cr
Passionate Swollen Boltzmann
  09/17/09
...
Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi
  09/21/09
...
sapphire hairless goal in life mother
  09/21/09
180
Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi
  09/21/09
180
Soul-stirring Tan Genital Piercing Coldplay Fan
  09/21/09
180
Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi
  09/21/09
180
sapphire hairless goal in life mother
  09/21/09
http://www.xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=950090&mc=13...
sapphire hairless goal in life mother
  09/21/09
180
Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi
  09/21/09
180
Soul-stirring Tan Genital Piercing Coldplay Fan
  09/21/09
180
Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi
  09/21/09
180
maniacal titillating stage
  12/12/09
...
Crimson aphrodisiac boiling water
  09/21/09
180
Yapping thriller trust fund
  09/21/09
...
Mauve volcanic crater
  09/21/09
...
maniacal titillating stage
  02/22/10
180
haunting laughsome national
  02/22/10
180
Purple outnumbered hospital nibblets
  02/22/10
180
Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi
  03/28/10
Reads like someone inexperienced with good story writing. Pr...
hot weed whacker
  03/28/10
cr
Brilliant black woman
  11/24/10
...
Fear-inspiring costumed locale philosopher-king
  03/04/11


Poast new message in this thread



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 8:33 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

A scream rips me away from some office shut eye. Third time today. I spin my chair and peer out my vertical blinds to see who was going to catch hell for waking me up.

Just in time. A man in a Jos. A. Bank suit holds a spatula as he speeds off into the night. A nigger under the street light has a turd stain down the back of her Charlotte Hornet's starter jacket. Even Detective Pensive down at station could unravel this mystery. The bastard.

"Christ... this city," I mumble. A festering pile, but it's my festering pile.

I reach for my tumbler on the desk, then raise the glass to my nose. My muscle milk has turned. I flex my lats. I haven't had a dead lift in over two weeks, and if I don't get another case soon, it's gonne be three.

"Fuck it." I down the protein-rich chunks. I can feel it surge down my rippling back. Did I just orgasm?

"Mr. Spackler?" The hired help. Though she's barely hired and even less help.

"Yes, Miss Hizzla?"

"Someone's here to see you."

"Send 'em in."

"One more thing."

"What?"

"Fuck you."

The smoke hanging in the room parted as the door swung open. One long leg after another steps in. A dame.

"Detective Spackler?" Her lips quiver.

I laugh. "It's just Mr. Spackler now. Didn't you read the sticky."

"Oh, no. I'm sorry."

"No problem. Myoplex?" I head over to the bar. I already know I'm going to need all the help I can get with this broad.

"No thank you. Detective...Mr. Spackler?"

"What?"

"My name is J.. And I, I, I think I'm going to be outed."

A stifled chuckle leaves my lips before I down the chocolate treat.

"Lady, not a week goes by that some broad doesn't come in here claiming they're gonna be outed. If I had 1% less body fat for..."

"No, Mr. Spackler. I have a list! Right here!" She rips out a piece of paper from her clutch.

"Sorry lady."

"I can pay! I have a gym! It's open all night, Mr. Spackler. Yours for the using. For, for, three months."

"Seven months."

She hesitates. Then, she nods.

"Let me see that list." I take a look at the notes. Real official looking stuff. A print log from XO Java. The same shit I've seen thousands of time before.

"Lady..."

"No! Mr. Spackler! Just, just read that last line!"

Christ. Persistant little thing. I scroll down, and, I can't hardly believe my eyes.

::Mayor Rachmiel - Let's out that bitch. Two weeks.::

::Detective Pensive - On it boss.::

I pour another Myoplex quick and slam it down. Nerves. The same thing that got me kicked off the force.

"Shit... Lady, you better have one hell of a fucking gym."

Spackler, what have you got yourself into...

TO BE CONTINUED?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527300)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 9:17 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

I was getting close. The explosion. The man in the alley who sounded a little too much like Sonic Youth. Too close. Time to put some fear in them. Rattle a few cages.

I stepped into the station house. There he was, right where I left him, riding the pine at the intake desk.

"Officer Radek," I say.

"What."

"Get me Detective Pensive."

"What."

Like talking to a wall. "Is that anyway to treat your old buddy?" I grab his collar and jerk him to his feet. "GET. ME. DETECTIVE. PENSIVE!"

I drop him back to his chair. He takes a second to gather himself.

"No u."

Fuck it. I stroll down the hall. The janitor just started scraping my name off of the door.

"Hey. Who's going in?"

"They just promoted Officer To Be Fair."

Great. No matter if I do expose this, this city is still going to be flushed down the tubes. Oh well. This might just have to be a two flusher. I burst into Detective Pensive's office. The foul reak of whores from chinatown.

"Well, well, well. Thought we'd be running into each other." He says, polishing his badge.

"Spare me the pleasantries. J. Outing. I know you're involved."

"You don't know heroic women from Blue Smoke. Detective. Oh, I'm sorry, I mean, CARL."

I hold back from shoving my fist up his urethra.

"Listen asshole. Rach is going down. You want to anchor to his ship or you want to give me some information, and maybe I look the other way while you skip town?"

He doesn't respond. He just keeps polishing that badge, like a faggot.

"I'll fucking murder you, dood."

"There goes those nerves again, Carl. Shit. You were a good lifter, too."

"Still a good lifter."

"Whatever. J.? Ha. Bitch came to me weeks before you were in on this. You know who wanted her dead? EVERYONE!"

"What?"

"You heard me. She hated everything. Insufferable. Not heroic. There are thousands of people who would want her outed."

"Yeah, then why do I have this XO Java print out, Pensive? Huh?"

I throw it down on the table. He reads it over.

"Jesus."

"You're up shit creek now, detective."

He throws back his juice box of Ecto cooler, and sucks it down. Sucks it down hard.

"Carl...I gave away the password to this moniker."

I get hit in the stomach like a ton of fat chick monikers.

"What?"

"Fuck."

"To who?"

"Spackler...this shit goes deep. Deeper than I ever thought."

"Who!?"

"It's...Chief Whokebe."

I scoff.

"Fuck you, man," I say.

He looks me in the eye.

"Carl. It's Chief Whokebe. You're the only one I can trust."

And I hadn't even got to use the pec-deck yet.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527563)



Reply Favorite

Date: December 12th, 2009 1:41 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

As much as he was a huge faggot, Pensive was right. Neither of us could do it alone. If listening to his bitching would take down Chief Whokebe, then I guess I'll be answering "who is more heroic" polls for a while.

Christ. Looking back it was so obvious: the egregious Pynchon and Gaddis trolling, countless Dirk 4 MVP threads, and thousands of bumps of old solzy posts. How could I be so stupid? If it wasn't Chief Whokebe, it was someone who had his M.O. down to a T. As if that was even possible.

This all ran through my head as Pensive and I crept through the sticky darkness at the wharf. We had a hot tip that the Chief had been seen entering Warehouse 174, and this was out best shot.

I motioned for Pensive to cover me as I peered through the opening of the warehouse. In the middle of the room, surrounded by crates full of Adderall, was the Chief, tied to a rolling chair. He was bleeding out of every hole, his Mav's jersey turning a disgusting shade of poop.

"Chief!" Pensive yelled, rushing in to the room.

"Stop!" I whispered, but it was too late. Pensive was already inside.

"Radek!" Suddenly, Officer Radek appeared, his side arm pointed right at the chief.

"What's going on here?" Pensive asked.

"To be fair, what does it look like?"

Out from the shadows, strode the most vile and disgusting thing this city had ever spat out, To Be Fair. It was all starting to make sense. He's got his hands on every turd floating in this city. My glutes shook. He trained his laser sight on Pensive's chest.

"You let the chief go!" Pensive yelled.

"To be fair, fine. Officer Radek?"

"What?"

"To be fair, let the Chief go."

"No u."

"To be fair, can the shit Radek!"

Officer Radek untied the Chief. "Bitchasss," he muttered.

"Are you ok, Chief?" Pensive demanded.

Chief Whokebe stood up and wiped the dried crust from his jersey. Then, he started a slow clap. A real ominous slow clap.

"You just couldn't stay away could you Pensive? Couldn't let a good thing lie? What about that pretty wife of..."

To Be Fair tapped the Chief and shook his head to let the Chief know the obvious.

"Oh, right," the Chief continued, "what about that pretty image in your head of what a wife might look like someday?"

"You son of a bitch!"

"To be fair, these knock off Adderalls are going to hit the streets, and you're going to hit the bottom of Jewdood Bay. Officer Radek?"

"What"

"Take Pensive to the back for a cement shoe fitting."

That fucking J. What has she gotten me into?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#13529321)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 8:36 PM
Author: underhanded buck-toothed psychic

17 billion.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527316)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 9:20 PM
Author: French insecure lay

excellent read. ty.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527588)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 9:26 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

yw. Hardboiled is not my genre.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527630)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 9:51 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

Where are my FRIENDS to critique this work?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527784)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 9:52 PM
Author: French insecure lay

could you produce Pt. III already?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527793)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 9:53 PM
Author: mind-boggling apoplectic business firm

thank you fore this

previously, http://autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1014541&mc=15&forum_id=2#11949699

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527798)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 17th, 2009 9:54 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

An unappreciated genre, perhaps.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12527804)



Reply Favorite

Date: December 12th, 2009 1:22 PM
Author: Crimson aphrodisiac boiling water

i should say so

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#13529197)



Reply Favorite

Date: December 12th, 2009 1:49 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

Just added part three.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#13529393)



Reply Favorite

Date: December 12th, 2009 1:52 PM
Author: Crimson aphrodisiac boiling water

ty. did you ever read the fish, p.i. thread?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#13529412)



Reply Favorite

Date: December 12th, 2009 1:55 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

Yeah, good stuff.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#13529440)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 18th, 2009 12:25 AM
Author: haunting laughsome national



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12529476)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 18th, 2009 3:31 PM
Author: Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi

a sincere and heartfelt one hundred eighty from my deathbed

and one more thing

fuck you

tyft

xoxo, hth, stp

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12532597)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 18th, 2009 3:35 PM
Author: frozen comical field

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12532629)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 25th, 2009 3:48 AM
Author: harsh school background story



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12589740)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 25th, 2009 6:00 AM
Author: Fantasy-prone iridescent whorehouse

lmao

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12589814)



Reply Favorite

Date: August 25th, 2009 6:06 AM
Author: chrome chapel cuckold

Post removed by moderator for violating The Law of The Land.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12589815)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:02 PM
Author: Yapping thriller trust fund

wtf dood? trap

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803683)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 13th, 2009 5:48 AM
Author: odious public bath

truly amazing. 180^180.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12734770)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 13th, 2009 5:50 AM
Author: Vibrant Blue Range Twinkling Uncleanness

wyf

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12734773)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 13th, 2009 9:19 AM
Author: Exciting Shimmering Mexican

as a difficult grader, it's clearly material bound for perfection but i'm reserving my 180 until the series is complete. i was going to give you a 179 as a preliminary place-holder grade, but that would be misleading.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12734875)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 13th, 2009 9:25 AM
Author: Purple outnumbered hospital nibblets

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12734889)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 17th, 2009 9:01 AM
Author: Passionate Swollen Boltzmann

cr

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12766923)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 10:46 PM
Author: Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803490)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:00 PM
Author: sapphire hairless goal in life mother



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803655)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:01 PM
Author: Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803662)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:01 PM
Author: Soul-stirring Tan Genital Piercing Coldplay Fan

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803670)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:01 PM
Author: Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803673)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:03 PM
Author: sapphire hairless goal in life mother

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803697)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:03 PM
Author: sapphire hairless goal in life mother

http://www.xoxohth.com/thread.php?thread_id=950090&mc=13&forum_id=2

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803691)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:04 PM
Author: Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803712)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:04 PM
Author: Soul-stirring Tan Genital Piercing Coldplay Fan

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803723)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:05 PM
Author: Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803737)



Reply Favorite

Date: December 12th, 2009 1:17 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#13529166)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 10:42 PM
Author: Crimson aphrodisiac boiling water



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803454)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:02 PM
Author: Yapping thriller trust fund

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803685)



Reply Favorite

Date: September 21st, 2009 11:04 PM
Author: Mauve volcanic crater



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#12803726)



Reply Favorite

Date: February 22nd, 2010 8:23 PM
Author: maniacal titillating stage



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#14204663)



Reply Favorite

Date: February 22nd, 2010 8:51 PM
Author: haunting laughsome national

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#14204915)



Reply Favorite

Date: February 22nd, 2010 8:53 PM
Author: Purple outnumbered hospital nibblets

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#14204927)



Reply Favorite

Date: March 28th, 2010 9:13 PM
Author: Ivory hyperventilating principal's office fanboi

180

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#14531366)



Reply Favorite

Date: March 28th, 2010 9:47 PM
Author: hot weed whacker

Reads like someone inexperienced with good story writing. Probably some math major who thinks he knows how to smack some sentences together and throw a few memes in there to look cool.

167

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#14531722)



Reply Favorite

Date: November 24th, 2010 9:54 PM
Author: Brilliant black woman

cr

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#16637535)



Reply Favorite

Date: March 4th, 2011 7:05 PM
Author: Fear-inspiring costumed locale philosopher-king



(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1065658&forum_id=2#17431802)