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Worst thing you've done at work?
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:22 PM Author: Apoplectic Property Keepsake Machete Anyone do anything crazy at work or would be fired if found out?
I've been pretty tame so far due to all the safeguards already in place. For example I can't go to porn sites or anything and some IT back office indian guy is on my screen at all times making sure I'm not doing inappropriate shit. Once he sent me a communicator message saying "Sir, I was wondering the relevance of the current program to your work." I uninstalled world of warcraft after that incident.
However, one time we had to go on a roadshow to cleveland. I had some friends there so in the downtime they took me to a strip club. We got bottle service and food and a room and I paid for all of it thinking I can get the company to expense it. The strip club shows up as "Brook brothers" or something so I listed it as a dinner. I didn't want to explain it to my VP so I just forged his signature and told HR it was good.
Also, even if I get off early, I wait until dinnertime so I can get free food comp'd from my firm. I usually time it so I have 30 minutes left so that when I go downstairs to go home, the food arrives and I am able to pick up my food in the bag and take it home. The limit for that is 25 bucks but sometimes I list 2 people dinners and spend 50 bucks if my fellow analyst leaves early and doesn't use his option. He lets me do this though through his account so I guess it's not that bad. I like having 50 bucks to play with since it covers breakfast for me the next day.
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:37 PM Author: Crusty Alpha You're a greedy Jewish prick and none of the shit here is "crazy" (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972196) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:45 PM Author: Apoplectic Property Keepsake Machete I admitted they are a bit tame but 95% of Ibankers do this kinda shit and a good 1/3 do worse (such as using company cars to pick up dates or lying on their taxes so they can keep a 100k bonus rather than pay 50k to the gov't). (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972290) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 8:15 PM Author: electric pearl nibblets How is it possible to lie on your taxes like that? Doesn't the firm file a W2 for you listing your bonus? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973019) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 8:35 PM Author: Apoplectic Property Keepsake Machete Join an ibank and u'll see. there are ways bro, just not gonna out 'em. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973209) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 1:06 PM Author: electric pearl nibblets I worked at an IBank for two years. If there was a way no one knew of it. You're clearly making this up as there is no way to hide W2 ordinary income from the IRS. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977677) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 1:10 PM Author: sable corn cake you'd have to get pretty creative with your expenses... but still no way to hide +50% of a bonus (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977705) |
Date: October 12th, 2009 6:37 PM Author: diverse friendly grandma theatre Nothing.
For hours, adding up to weeks |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:39 PM Author: Excitant french chef digit ratio cr. Never doing that again. Not having work + getting paid = drive yourself insane with thoughts of impending layoffs. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972221) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:40 PM Author: sable corn cake I once took a shit in the managing partner's desk drawer (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972234) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:46 PM Author: Apoplectic Property Keepsake Machete Serious responses only. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972294) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:59 PM Author: sable corn cake no, I seriously did it. I was drunk after some friday happyhour event and had returned to the office to fetch my bag when the turtle "poked his head" out of the shell and I got my idea.
after I dropped my load in his desk drawer, I covered it with some papers and envelopes, shut the door, and left for a fun-filled Friday night.
That Monday was fantastic. My office is on the floor above his and I sat there awaiting my triumph and resisting the urge to head downstairs to see the fun. I almost lost it when a fellow associate came in my office and said something smelled kinds funny on the lower floors. thankfully I stayed cool but later got the full story from people down there.
Apparently, he didn't notice anything until noon (ex-smoker) when his secretary came in and complained about the smell. They both began to tear the place apart, looking for the stinky little culprit I left a mere 70hrs before. Then BAM he finally opens the drawer and moves the papers to discover the little "intestinal sculpture" I had left in his honor.
He instantly began to gag and cough. The secretary came over and shrieked in horror. As if this was some type of cue, the managing partner sprayed vomit from his mouth, with a fair bit of it landing in the drawer and on his secretary's skirt. This in turn caused her to vomit, all over the managing partner's face, suit and desk.
They both ran to the bathrooms and went home for the rest of the day. The building's maintenance crew refused to touch it and they had to bring in a special cleaning service. There was a witch-hunt to find the culprit and the smell lingered for days. Actually the vomit smell was worse than the shit smell.
I think they ended up blaming some poor hispanic guy in office services who had recently been let go for sexual harrassment. The partner switched offices and the office stood vacant for at least 3 or 4 months until a new lateral was put there. Needless to say, I laid low, played it cool, and got away scot free. |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:05 PM Author: Apoplectic Property Keepsake Machete Wow. Isn't there some high-tech FBI way they can draw stool samples from you guys and find out the culprit?
Good job though, that is one crazy story. |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:11 PM Author: adulterous ceo church there was a Sunny episode that dealt with this topic (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972533) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:15 PM Author: judgmental native people who are hurt it totally happened also... (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972571) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 8:00 PM Author: sable corn cake The best part was that Monday evening, as I sat in my office eating my usual wretched supper of seamlessweb, I could feel like I really accomplished something.
making sure the coast was clear, I shut my office door. I then reached into my desk where I keep my hidden little bottle of vodka for such occasions. I poured about 3 fingers into my coffee cup to toast my success.
as I sipped my vodka, I decided I need to play my victory song. so I went to youtube and fired it up with my feet up on my desk. as the words washed over me, I closed my eyes and smiled, in a state of pure bliss, only hearing the words "Never gonna give you up, Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you, Never gonna make you cry, Never gonna say goodbye, Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you . . ."
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Date: October 12th, 2009 8:34 PM Author: insanely creepy mother background story lol (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973200) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 10:09 PM Author: Harsh Corner Jap 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12974068) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 10:10 PM Author: Wine misanthropic circlehead gay wizard 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12974074) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 12:10 AM Author: flickering home Instant all-time classic work here.
A well earned 180. |
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Date: October 14th, 2009 4:09 PM Author: concupiscible casino boltzmann 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12987200) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 9:21 PM Author: Wine misanthropic circlehead gay wizard 1 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973568) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 9:21 PM Author: Wine misanthropic circlehead gay wizard 8 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973571) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 9:21 PM Author: Wine misanthropic circlehead gay wizard 0 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973573) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 6:49 PM Author: histrionic multi-billionaire Posted on XOXO. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972331) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 8:01 PM Author: sable corn cake credited (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972914) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:07 PM Author: umber senate pistol I appreciate that no one is really answering this question. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972489) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:09 PM Author: Apoplectic Property Keepsake Machete I'm thinking most people that post here don't have jobs. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972512) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:13 PM Author: umber senate pistol 180 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972548) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:08 PM Author: Flushed laser beams Had a rap battle with consultants. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972499) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:11 PM Author: Frozen bisexual filthpig range My girlfriend came to work one day and i met her in the lobby. I was really horny so we went up the elevator to one of the lower rooms. There are conference rooms there with no one in them. We went in and I turned the blinds and locked the door and had her give me head. That was all I was planning but then I realized I wanted sex.
So I was doing her doggie style and she makes a lot of noise so I had to cover her mouth and constantly remind her to shut up. I heard a knock on the door and we both froze but it went away. I couldn't finish after that but we got dressed and I made her suck me off until I came. Then I went back to work but that was pretty scary when someone knocked. |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 7:19 PM Author: razzle institution goyim worked (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12972611) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 8:24 PM Author: Mentally impaired headpube Had sex with my fuck buddy in the bathroom after people had left. Left the used condom on the bathroom floor.
My last job I came in at 12.30pm and went directly to lunch until 2pm, then usually went home around 6-7pm. Ah, good times. |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 8:35 PM Author: shaky racy mad cow disease got a bj while sitting in my chair, then bent the girl over my desk. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973214) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 9:15 PM Author: sable corn cake describe this office layout (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973520) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 9:18 PM Author: shaky racy mad cow disease L-shaped desk, walls lined with bookcases and windows. girl under my desk to start. then mounted me in my chair, then i stood her up and spread her over my desk (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973546) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 9:18 PM Author: Marvelous fat ankles I think its fair to assume I can't post that here. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973545) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 9:19 PM Author: Exciting Step-uncle's House Italicized a comma in a citation. I almost got totally pwned!!!11 (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12973553) |
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Date: October 12th, 2009 10:10 PM Author: laughsome drunken church building I TOOK A SHIT IN THE COFFEE POT WHILE IT WAS FULL OF COFFEE AND THEN I STUCK AN AMERICAN FLAG IN IT (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12974075) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 12:06 AM Author: dull community account abode regularly padded hours about 10-20% i'm really efficient so this was easy for me to do. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12975034) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 12:57 PM Author: sable corn cake btw- we all do this (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977596) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 1:46 PM Author: puce useless brakes are there people that dont do this? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977933) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 12:59 PM Author: low-t puppy I jerked off into the lounge freezer. Just right into it. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977617) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 1:05 PM Author: sable corn cake still there? (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977663) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 1:14 PM Author: low-t puppy probably. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977726) |
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Date: October 13th, 2009 1:15 PM Author: vivacious henna menage This cracked me up. (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12977730) |
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Date: October 14th, 2009 4:06 PM Author: sable corn cake (http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1109274&forum_id=2#12987178) |