a few things i feel should be out there, both about lh and about my personal connection to the whole fiasco:

1: the thread was stupid and disrespectful and i shouldn't have posted it.

1.1: i've wanted to post that thread for months.

1.11: i often have very strong urges that i have trouble controlling. it's pretty shitty, because it upsets me to ignore them and it upsets me to carry them out, especially because they are usually things that are hurtful toward others.

1.12: i don't mean to sound like i'm dodging responsibility by blaming my shitty behavior on some hazy notion of mental illness, but (especially given my childhood diagnosis of ocd) the thought has crossed my mind that stronger or different medication might control these urges. you'll see more about these urges later.

1.2: the thread was deliberately incendiary, and i knew that the response would be what it was. it was not a "self pwn". my style in situations like that is to post something that i know will get a certain reaction, but in a way that implies that i don't anticipate it.

1.3: "trueblood" was the only moniker that i used to post in that thread or to post anything today besides this post. the few people that agreed were other people.

2: i generally meant what i said in the thread, despite the sensationalist nature of my wording.

2.1: i think that she made some shitty decisions and that she got off easy. sure, i don't know how much pain she went through in her broken marriage or anything like that, but based on her entitled attitude now, as well as her defensiveness in the thread in which she admitted her unfaithfulness, i do not think that she learned her lesson.

2.2: the intention was not to jeopardize her career (who would get fired for being a slut?) but to embarrass her by putting that information out there in a professional setting. imo she deserves far worse consequences than that.

2.21: i don't know what it is to "deserve" something; that sort of thing isn't within the realm of philosophy that really interests me. i don't think that there's any strict, defensible notion of desert; i'm just speaking my feelings. when i first became angry about her behavior and got the urge to post the thread, the figurative voices telling me to do it were saying, "she deserves it. she deserves to suffer." so... ask them wtf that means.

2.22: however, i would feel guilty taking her punishment into my own hands. i don't know what that says about my subliminal feelings about the matter.

2.3: fml is exactly right about my irrational anger toward lh: "I think box suffered a lot over the last few months, and felt a lot of guilt and self-hatred because of her actions. Seeing LH commit a worse sin of the same sort, and then glibly excuse herself (or at least that's how box sees it), was enraging."

2.31: when she first posted about cheating in two relationships, before i even knew that one of them was in a marriage, i was appalled that someone who committed such a sin was able to go on with her life, complaining constantly about her loneliness and inability to find a man. if you do something like that, imo, you relinquish any right to complain about your love life in the future.

2.32: i was further infuriated by her defense of her actions. no, i don't know the exact situation, but i'm with tmf on this: nothing makes such an action excusable.

3: someone in the thread said that i was mad because i had done the same thing. this is false. i treated twist badly in our relationship, but i didn't cheat.

3.1: we were explicitly not in a relationship and we were explicitly not exclusive. he was going to fuck a different girl just days before. however, were were hopelessly and childishly infatuated with one another. when i told him that i was going to see ohnoes, he was visibly upset, but said that my actions were up to me. i said, "ask me to promise and i will, so you feel less uneasy about it." he refused at first, then later asked me to promise that nothing would happen. i broke a promise to someone i loved and i hurt him - but i DID NOT CHEAT.

3.2: it was only after the event that my behavior became inexcusable, but perhaps it was understandable, given his reaction to the event.

3.21: when i told him what had happened (right after it did), he was incredibly hurt. he immediately practiced self-injury that he later classified as a suicide attempt, and he continued to abuse his body for weeks. he constantly spoke of suicide, and he made a huge lifestyle change that i will not reveal for fear of outing him. he cried daily for a month or two and sent me long e-mails about what a horrible thing i had done and what i needed to change in order to "become a real person". what he went through must have been horrible and i don't pretend that i had it any worse than he did, but i can only speak for myself, and there were four months of torture on my end. it was constant "i'm so sorry, i love you, we can make this work" alternated with, at first, "i want to cut myself open in a dumpster" and later "you are a sociopath and i hate you". the ups and downs further attached me to him - he'd build me up and tear me down - and i don't think i'll ever be completely free of what he did to me.

3.211: because he has posted similarly about MY behavior throughout the destroyed relationship (threats, etc.) i feel that it is my right to share this information.

3.22: in response to his depression, which was a reaction to MY initial mistake (so, yes, this is all my fault - i'm just trying to show you that it was a chain reaction) i too fell into a deep depression. this is where my inexcusable behavior came into play. i also started injuring myself, threatening to hurt or kill myself, and threatening to out him. my harmful urges became obsessive. every time we were almost okay, i would act out and ruin things again. eventually, he stopped loving me. soon after, he started hating me. now, he posts hurtful things about me on here (e.g. "she's a shitty, horrible person"), despite my pleas for him to stop. it may be helping him cope, but i doubt it: i think he just doesn't care enough to tone it down. since he started posting again, i've cried every day in response to the comments he's made about me here. i hadn't cried since december 12th, when i started feeling the effects of my antidepressants.

i hope you understand some of the circumstances that have led to the pain i'm in right now and consequently my aggressive meanness toward someone whose apparent comparative lack of suffering i envy. again, the behavior being understandable does not make it excusable: i know that i've done a lot of things that are plain wrong.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1538697&forum_id=2#17079276)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1538697&forum_id=2#17298678)

Author: The Box

Subject: (plus some miscellaneous attention-whoring)

this thread is not primarily intended to be a vessel for drama, nor is it a plea for attention; it's merely an attempt to get the truth out there. i knew that i was probably going to post this when i posted the trueblood thread, so don't think that this is some attempt to save face.

a few things i feel should be out there, both about lh and about my personal connection to the whole fiasco:

1: the thread was stupid and disrespectful and i shouldn't have posted it.

1.1: i've wanted to post that thread for months.

1.11: i often have very strong urges that i have trouble controlling. it's pretty shitty, because it upsets me to ignore them and it upsets me to carry them out, especially because they are usually things that are hurtful toward others.

1.12: i don't mean to sound like i'm dodging responsibility by blaming my shitty behavior on some hazy notion of mental illness, but (especially given my childhood diagnosis of ocd) the thought has crossed my mind that stronger or different medication might control these urges. you'll see more about these urges later.

1.2: the thread was deliberately incendiary, and i knew that the response would be what it was. it was not a "self pwn". my style in situations like that is to post something that i know will get a certain reaction, but in a way that implies that i don't anticipate it.

1.3: "trueblood" was the only moniker that i used to post in that thread or to post anything today besides this post. the few people that agreed were other people.

2: i generally meant what i said in the thread, despite the sensationalist nature of my wording.

2.1: i think that she made some shitty decisions and that she got off easy. sure, i don't know how much pain she went through in her broken marriage or anything like that, but based on her entitled attitude now, as well as her defensiveness in the thread in which she admitted her unfaithfulness, i do not think that she learned her lesson.

2.2: the intention was not to jeopardize her career (who would get fired for being a slut?) but to embarrass her by putting that information out there in a professional setting. imo she deserves far worse consequences than that.

2.21: i don't know what it is to "deserve" something; that sort of thing isn't within the realm of philosophy that really interests me. i don't think that there's any strict, defensible notion of desert; i'm just speaking my feelings. when i first became angry about her behavior and got the urge to post the thread, the figurative voices telling me to do it were saying, "she deserves it. she deserves to suffer." so... ask them wtf that means.

2.22: however, i would feel guilty taking her punishment into my own hands. i don't know what that says about my subliminal feelings about the matter.

2.3: fml is exactly right about my irrational anger toward lh: "I think box suffered a lot over the last few months, and felt a lot of guilt and self-hatred because of her actions. Seeing LH commit a worse sin of the same sort, and then glibly excuse herself (or at least that's how box sees it), was enraging."

2.31: when she first posted about cheating in two relationships, before i even knew that one of them was in a marriage, i was appalled that someone who committed such a sin was able to go on with her life, complaining constantly about her loneliness and inability to find a man. if you do something like that, imo, you relinquish any right to complain about your love life in the future.

2.32: i was further infuriated by her defense of her actions. no, i don't know the exact situation, but i'm with tmf on this: nothing makes such an action excusable.

3: someone in the thread said that i was mad because i had done the same thing. this is false. i treated twist badly in our relationship, but i didn't cheat.

3.1: we were explicitly not in a relationship and we were explicitly not exclusive. he was going to fuck a different girl just days before. however, were were hopelessly and childishly infatuated with one another. when i told him that i was going to see ohnoes, he was visibly upset, but said that my actions were up to me. i said, "ask me to promise and i will, so you feel less uneasy about it." he refused at first, then later asked me to promise that nothing would happen. i broke a promise to someone i loved and i hurt him - but i DID NOT CHEAT.

3.2: it was only after the event that my behavior became inexcusable, but perhaps it was understandable, given his reaction to the event.

3.21: when i told him what had happened (right after it did), he was incredibly hurt. he immediately practiced self-injury that he later classified as a suicide attempt, and he continued to abuse his body for weeks. he constantly spoke of suicide, and he made a huge lifestyle change that i will not reveal for fear of outing him. he cried daily for a month or two and sent me long e-mails about what a horrible thing i had done and what i needed to change in order to "become a real person". what he went through must have been horrible and i don't pretend that i had it any worse than he did, but i can only speak for myself, and there were four months of torture on my end. it was constant "i'm so sorry, i love you, we can make this work" alternated with, at first, "i want to cut myself open in a dumpster" and later "you are a sociopath and i hate you". the ups and downs further attached me to him - he'd build me up and tear me down - and i don't think i'll ever be completely free of what he did to me.

3.211: because he has posted similarly about MY behavior throughout the destroyed relationship (threats, etc.) i feel that it is my right to share this information.

3.22: in response to his depression, which was a reaction to MY initial mistake (so, yes, this is all my fault - i'm just trying to show you that it was a chain reaction) i too fell into a deep depression. this is where my inexcusable behavior came into play. i also started injuring myself, threatening to hurt or kill myself, and threatening to out him. my harmful urges became obsessive. every time we were almost okay, i would act out and ruin things again. eventually, he stopped loving me. soon after, he started hating me. now, he posts hurtful things about me on here (e.g. "she's a shitty, horrible person"), despite my pleas for him to stop. it may be helping him cope, but i doubt it: i think he just doesn't care enough to tone it down. since he started posting again, i've cried every day in response to the comments he's made about me here. i hadn't cried since december 12th, when i started feeling the effects of my antidepressants.

i hope you understand some of the circumstances that have led to the pain i'm in right now and consequently my aggressive meanness toward someone whose apparent comparative lack of suffering i envy. again, the behavior being understandable does not make it excusable: i know that i've done a lot of things that are plain wrong.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1538697&forum_id=2#17079276)

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1538697&forum_id=2#17086949)

END FUCKING THREAD

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1538697&forum_id=2#17079309)

i wouldn't care if the lh thread were removed, although i don't find it at all harmful, especially since the non-outing OP was removed due to faggot white knights.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=1538697&forum_id=2#17079325)