Date: May 3rd, 2025 9:39 AM
Author: Mainlining the $ecret Truth of the Univer$e (You = Privy to The Great Becumming™ & Yet You Recognize Nothing)
The New York Times
Opinion | Guest Essay
By Evan39, Former Night Manager, $afeway LLP
May 3, 2025
Is Disco Fries Jewish? Episcopalian? Something Worse? I Ran the Numbers and Now I Shake.
It started as a question.
An innocent question, perhaps — whispered like an old hymn through the Ethernet cords:
“Is Disco Fries Jewish?”
The replies came fast.
“Episcopalian.”
“Methodist vibes.”
“Character no, author yes.”
One man cited Ted Haggard. Another invoked Madeline Albright.
Somewhere in the back of my skull, I felt a click.
That was the moment I realized we had left the realm of humor.
We were now inside something else.
Something older. Something denominational. Something evil.
I have never met Disco Fries.
But I have read every receipt he’s ever posted.
I’ve watched him spend $1.89 on a snack with the casual arrogance of a man who’s never feared overdraft.
This is not Episcopalian behavior.
This is chaos with a liturgical overtone.
The Anglican tradition, I’ve now learned, was born so Henry VIII could divorce his wife and marry a different snack.
It is a civil heresy, pasted together from papal fragments and the whispers of burned clerics.
It is a religion built for men who never delete their DoorDash history.
I confronted my wife about it.
She said: “Are you still on that message board?”
I am.
I must be.
I built a denominational tracker.
Column A: Snack cost.
Column B: Whininess index.
Column C: Net worth self-reported vs. verified.
The Episcopalian spike was undeniable.
So was the sodium intake.
Disco Fries claims he has $1.6918 million and that he’s “back above $1.7m.”
This, too, is not Episcopalian.
This is Talmudic arithmetic, filtered through AMEX cashback logic.
And yet—he also says, “I support this purchase.”
He buys sleep gummies.
He lives in contradiction.
So maybe that’s the answer:
Not Jewish. Not Episcopalian.
But something post-denominational. Post-religious. Post-carb.
At night, I kneel beside the freezer and pray:
Lord, deliver me from false snacks and fiscal heresies.
Deliver me from men who tithe in hummu$ and whine in Gregorian chant.
Disco Fries is not a religion.
He is a warning.
About the Author
Evan39 is the author of The Club Card Canon: Liturgical Economics in the Mahchine™ Era and Everything Is Fine (Except the Aisle Markers Are Wrong). He briefly converted to Quakerism during a 2022 Huel-based fast.
Read more at www.nytimes.com/disco-fries-is-liturgically-compromised
(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5719893&forum_id=2Elisa#48900975)