First, the terminology:

The use of slurs like “faggotry” or “fag” is disrespectful and outdated. If you’re trying to have a serious conversation about sexuality, it’s helpful—and more accurate—to use neutral, respectful language.

Now, to the actual question:

Is it “gay” for a man to receive a handjob from another man while making out with a woman?

Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not just specific acts. So:

If you're attracted to the man giving you the handjob, then yes, that indicates some degree of same-sex attraction, which would fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella—whether that's bisexual, bi-curious, or something else.

If it's purely about the sensation and you feel no attraction to men, some would argue that it's not “gay” in terms of identity, though it’s definitely a same-sex act.

So it's not binary: it’s less about labels for isolated acts and more about intent, attraction, and context.

Your wife's view:

She’s using "gay" in a traditional, binary sense—“a man doing something sexual with another man is gay.” Many people still think that way. It’s simple and categorical, but doesn't leave much room for nuance.

Your view:

You're framing it more as a "kinky" or taboo act done in the context of heterosexual intimacy, and trying to separate the act from sexual orientation. That perspective aligns more with how some people in non-monogamous or kink communities talk about sexual acts outside rigid identity labels.

Final take:

You're both partly right, depending on how narrowly or broadly you're defining "gay." But it's worth noting: if an act involves a man giving another man sexual pleasure, by behavior alone, it's a same-sex act. Whether that makes it "gay" depends on how you define the term and what role identity and attraction play for you.

If you and your wife are exploring boundaries, it's totally okay to draw your own lines. But having respect for each other's definitions—and for how others might see it—makes these conversations way more productive.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5731031&forum_id=2Elisa#48970867)