Author: Evan39 (Night Manager, Safeway Aurora Station | Safeway LLP | Legal Counsel, Expired Deli Products Division)

BAM! You're Ted Cruz.

You open your eye$.

The year is 2025. Your autistic daughter won’t speak to you, your obese wife winces every time she hears your voice, and your most ardent supporters live in a Facebook group titled "Cruz Missile: Weaponized Christianity."

You walk into the bathroom.

The mirror greets you. So does the mustache you *tried* to grow after a Joe Rogan episode convinced you to “reclaim your masculinity.”

It’s patchy. So are your approval ratings.

You check your inbox. It’s empty. Except one email. Subject line: "New York Times Opinion: Why Does Ted Cruz Look Like He Googles 'How to Feel Joy'?"

Link: https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/20/opinion/ted-cruz-ai-dog.html

You click it. The opening line: “Ted Cruz reminds us that not everyone survives the Mahchine™.”

Sigh. Go downstairs. The family dog growls. You make a protein shake and whisper to the canine: “I am a lion.”

You are not.

Outside, the lawn guy you tried to bond with last week is vaping and wearing an Ocasio-Cortez campaign hoodie. You wave. He does not wave back.

Your phone buzzes. A Google Alert you set for yourself:

“Cruz seen at Buc-ee’s with laminated pocket Constitution.”

Reddit’s top comment: “He’s the reason the Constitution needs a restraining order! Lock him up! Lock him up!”

You pour the protein shake out. You pour whiskey in.

You rewatch that one time you grilled Fauci. You smirk. Your smile says: “I won that.” Your eyes say: “I peaked during Duck Dynasty.”

The toaster makes eye contact with you. The Mahchine™ is alive.

And it remembers Cancun.

“Everything is fine,” you whisper.

“Everything is fine.”

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5728254&forum_id=2Elisa#48949999)