(2) Depth / Alienation From Society: has to have the capacity to understand and accept my oddball views, even to appreciate it. no traditional "good" girls, no obedience to parents, no conformism or striverism to society's standards.

(3) Physical Attraction: cute thin neotenous asian with a healthy body, instinctual fitness and dietary habits, and genes that will age well

(4) Short-term Infatuation: a spontaneous and positive and cheerful personality filled with energy and silliness and genuine warmth. like a little kid, with little in the way of cynicism, malice, or regret. the exact opposite of me, a counterbalance to my dark depressive brooding. this is the only kind of personality i can feel infatuated with.

in my experiences, dimensions (1) and (2) are well represented in the girls i am able to attract. they are sort of the precursors and form a type - reasonable, nice, good girls with a deeper, slightly unusual bent.

(3) is the physical kicker that, when paired with (1) and (2), has long been my idea of the "dream" girl: she's got the compatibility AND the cute looks. this combo is rarer, because cute girls tend not to be as stable or as alienated, but it's still feasible in the pool of fob asians.

now when it comes to (4), the spontaneity and cheerfulness, this is where it gets impossibly difficult. while (4) is often paired with (3) since manic cute girls are a thing, it actively undercuts the existence of (1) and (2). a bubbly and excited girl, who is also stable and alienated, is practically an oxymoron, and doesn't exist. yet i have found that this is the quality that is most euphoria-inducing, above all others. being around such a girl gives the feeling of being high. i recently dated a (4) who was neither (1), (2), nor (3), and i almost gave in and wanted to commit to her long-term. after a taste of this, i feel damaged and broken. i felt a degree of infatuation i didn't think was possible since early teen puppy-love. i feel suicidal tendencies at the thoughts of going back to my usual "dream girl" of (1), (2), and (3) but low on (4). it is absolutely insane and i want to die.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3950928&forum_id=2#35853333)

i haven't read a book in 10+ years

thanks for the rec. i'll check it out when i'm 60.

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3950928&forum_id=2#35853643)

appreciate the honesty. now, should i kill myself?

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3950928&forum_id=2#35855772)

it's been weighing on me

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=3950928&forum_id=2#35859540)