Everyone is now furious with me.

In last week’s episode: Mom dug up my third-grade aptitude tests to prove I was smart enough to help her solve a complicated problem I had blown off.

I pointed out that I scored exceptionally well in everything EXCEPT listening to directions.

We are Catholic so we venerate mothers and public humiliation and shame is in our DNA so “John’s ridiculous statement” was reposted on the family chat.

My son immediately accused me of “IQ mogging.”

I have no idea what that means.

So I asked Mom for my sister’s IQ. She has a PhD, and unsurprisingly, her score is higher than mine.

Excellent. Case closed. My sister should handle all complicated family problems.

Mom disagreed. She argued that my Unlimited Master’s license is rarer and harder to obtain than a PhD, proving I can handle “practical complexity,” not just “theoretical complexity.”

My sister, apparently offended by this distinction, dug up EVERYONE’S scores and announced that our brother has an IQ over 150.

My brother said he didn’t care.

Clearly the smartest response anyone had offered so far.

Then my liberal, 4.0-GPA daughter jumped in, furious that I wouldn’t just help Grandma.

I told her to stay out of it. She has the highest GPA in the family and is the only one who attends an elite honors college. We have never tested her IQ, but if she keeps pushing, I will make testing a condition of paying her tuition.

If she scores high enough, she will becomes the family’s new permanent Complexity Support Department.

She reminded me that I’d called her psychology degree “next to useless.”

I explained that this only proves she’s a better listener than I am.

Then things got ugly.

The smartest person in our family finally entered the chat.

My wife.

Three degrees, including one in marine biology. Science teacher. Works with severely traumatized children.

Her contribution?

“JUST HELP YOUR MOM.”

“You ‘just help her’ Mrs. Smartypants,” I retorted then I snapped and sent her brand new Teacher Of The Month certificate for her entire district.

A significant part of my wife’s job involves developing Individualized Education Programs (IEPs) for special education students. These plans can fill entire binders, detailing the accommodations each child needs.

And this is MASSACHUSETTS.

We take educational accommodations VERY seriously.

Teachers absolutely cannot bully students for their natural learning deficiencies that “have been proven from a young age”

My test report was from THIRD GRADE. In Massachusetts that’s the equivalent of a walk off grand slam in Game 7.

So I calmly explained that my documented, lifelong deficiency is LISTENING TO DIRECTIONS.

I told her I expect a comprehensive IEP on my desk by Monday, submitted in triplicate, detailing precisely how every member of this family will accommodate my disability.

My wife responded with a lengthy, increasingly hostile lecture.

I didn’t catch most of it.

But I did hear the final sentence:

“DID YOU LISTEN TO A SINGLE WORD I JUST SAID?!”

NO, HONEY.

LISTENING IS LITERALLY THE DISABILITY.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY IEP?!

Anyway, my wife is no longer speaking to me.

I’m not even joking. She’s PISSED.

The combined intelligence of my entire family has apparently collapsed to the point that everyone is just sending me 😂, 🤦‍♂️, and 🙄 emojis.

Which, frankly, is the first reasonable accommodation anyone has offered. 💀

Now back when I refused to share my daughter’s SAT score and the post hit 6 million views, hundreds warned me NOT to post anything related to testing on X because talking about IQ is “dangerous” and “a disgusting thing to brag about.”

But as the Einstein of our family, my brother, so eloquently put it:

“I don’t care.”

And even if I did, I wasn’t listening anyway 👇👇

(http://www.autoadmit.com/thread.php?thread_id=5912964&forum_id=2#50190723)